Today's Funnies

[onewilyfool]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

 

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

 

"Is it common?"

 

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

 

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

 

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

[Autumn Light&Shade]

Brilliant, I needed to have a good giggle

 

A group of cannibals are having a dinner party. One of their friends arrives late, so they give him the cold shoulder.

 

kind regards, Emma :)

[j45nick]

Wily, you are sick.

 

Happy 4th!

[MissouriPicker]

Why is a banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?

Because without the banjo player, the fiddle player would be the most hated person at the jam.

 

 

Good ones, Wily. There's a couple in there I can use at gigs.

[fortyearspickn]

Jim Bob was going on vacation and needed help. He asked his younger brother, Bubba Joe to watch his cat, Hush Puppy, while he was gone and to look in on their elderly Mother, Etta Mae, a few times during the week to make sure she was okay.

Returning from Las Vegas a week later, with his batteries recharged - he drove from the airport straight to his brother's house.

As he was getting out of the car, Bubba Joe ran out of the house telling him "Jim Bob - Hush Puppy's dead!"

Well, Jim Bob loved Hush Puppy having raised him from a kitten. He was crushed. Fell to his knees sobbing.

When at last he did recover - he said "Bubba Joe, you idiot - you were too direct. You should have built up to the bad news, so you could break it to me gently.

You could have said 'Hush Puppy got out of the house. Hush Puppy went up in a tree. Then he jumped on to the roof. Then he fell. He was hurt, I took him to the vet but he couldn't save him.' That way, I would have had less of a shock. Try to be more considerate in the future. But, OK. I'm feeling a little better now. So, how is Mom doing?"

Bubba said - "Mom got out of the house and climbed up in a tree."