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Lars68

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I am working on a new song. Just like the last one I did about a month or so ago, I tried to go by instinct instead of using theory from a book as to what chords go well together.

 

As always, I am very unsure of where I am as far as my own abilities, and would very much like your input regarding the melody and chords etc.

 

This song is in Swedish (my native language) so it will probably sound like the chef on The Muppet Show to most of you, but as always, I greatly look forward to any kind of constructive feedback you can provide.

 

Edited with a sligthly better version:

https://soundcloud.com/lars1968/va-r-stad-1

 

Lars

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Hey Lars,

 

First, thanks for sharing. I like seeing you churn out a new song every month, it seems. As someone who spends most of his time learning other people's songs, and aspires to write songs one day, it's really motivational to see you write your own music.

 

I liked it! It kind of brought to mind "House of the Rising Sun": a lot of minor key chords with a nice spareness. I like the structure: the verses with a little instrumental melody you play in between.

 

I liked your vocal too. I think that there might be certain parts where I am not sure where the melody is going, if that makes any sense. Say, from :52-1:00. That is definitely a tricky part to sing; what I mean is that it is definitely going in a very sharp direction away from where the melody was before...and that is not a bad thing at all...but maybe your pitch is a little off during that moment to the extent that it sounds like a key change? I am just rambling and don't really know what I am talking about anyway. :rolleyes: But those parts where you go high might need a little work?

 

Tell us what the song is about, or better yet, give us an English version too!

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Avery, thanks a lot for the comments. Yes I agree, the higher parts are off. I initially tried to go higher, but couldn't pull it off. I'll work on that!

 

The song is about life in a small town, with a little bit of nostalgia and melancholy thrown in. I might attempt an English version once I feel confident with this one.

 

Lars

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I was pleasantly surprised Lars, actually this song has a lot of potential, but delivery needs to be worked on more.

 

I like the overall feel of the track, reminds me of some latin or cuban styles, with a strong groove.

 

With that in mind and starting with the guitar, I would suggest to try to get more of a groove going, its already a biit there, but consider doing some ghost strumms, where you deaden the strings between strums to create a bit more of a groove, that would help a bit.

 

I hear potential in the vocal parts, but as you heard before it needs more dynamics and letting the melody come alive a bit more. I hear your singing totally from your head voice, and this song deserves the emotion of a deeper tone, which comes from your chest, in addition to the head voice. Some people have this naturally, but i think in your case (and definitely in mine) its soemthing that had to be learned and developed.

 

I strongly suggest you take a vocal training course to strengthen your vocal chords and work on singing technique, it will give the song the emotion and depth it deserves.

 

But as I wrote, the track has a lot of potential.

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EA, thanks a lot! That is very helpful input that will steer me in the right direction. I can hear that some parts are off, and just being able to hear the bad parts is a big step in the right direction for me. My ear is developing, which is hopeful. I wrote the song the day before yesterday, and the version linked above was my first decent take (you guys would get a good laugh out of the takes I threw out...). I'll work some more on it over the next few days with the tips you have given me in mind.

 

Lars

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I recorded a new version which I think is a little better.

 

https://soundcloud.com/lars1968/va-r-stad-1

 

If I could only learn to be more pitch consistent. I will work on the approach EA suggested next. I tried some more percusive strumming and it works well, I'm just not good enough at it yet.

 

As for the lyrics and melody, I think this is the best I have managed to put together so far. So some more work on delivery might be worth the effort.

 

Lars

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Hey man,

Upon second listen, nice song once again.

 

I think you have tightened up the melody in the ending of each verse. You sing it with confidence, on the melody, and it sounds good. You commit to the vocal. To me, these are the strongest parts of the song.

 

There are some pitch issues in the beginning of some of the verses. Or maybe it's just that you're not sure where you want the melody to go. At least in the first verse, it was noticeable to me.

I think some of the later verses have better singing beginnings so that is good. Maybe a bit more energy for the beginnings.

 

The high part of each verse: that is a very cool and adds dynamics to the song. It really serves the song well. But your vocal and the chord you're playing at the high part are doing different things. Maybe that is by design. But I think really listen to that chord, over and over again, try to match your voice to that chord and see what happens to the melody.

 

Take this all with a grain of salt because I believe there is a lot of subjectivity when it comes to music. And very nice song! Your singing is fine too. These are just a couple of suggestions.

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Lars, can you get us the lyrics to read in English? Be easier to match what's being sung to the tempo and tone. I like the way you continue to work on your writing and playing. One suggestion is that you try to play some variations of the chords (hammer-on's, augmented versions of the chords or maybe just a few single notes of the chord. It will make the song sound more interesting to the listener and lead you to what your technique will eventually grow in to. [thumbup] [thumbup] [thumbup]

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MP, here is a rough translation, more of direct translation than a "poetic" one.

 

The words don't flow as well in English, or rhyme, but the content is the same.

The song is meant to be about the mixed emotions I have about the small town I grew up in and still live in. I tried for my song to be both nostalgic and a little melancholy.

 

--------

 

Our town is rather unasuming

A lot of us here build trucks

and watch hockey each season

Life is simple and time passes quietly

 

I grew up on a street a stones throw from here

And our boys go to my old school

Same classroom, same football field

Same church and same songs

 

Quite a few pass by

But not many decide to stay

And the trains come to a halt

Before returning on the same track they came in

 

The young leave mother and father behind

But their beds are kept made

The possibilities here are slim

And dreams eventually fade away

 

---------

 

Now that was rough, but you probably get the idea. Thanks for helping me out!

By the way, what is an augmented chord? A slightly changed one perhaps, like a finger lifted or added?

 

Lars

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An augmented chord produces a lot of tension in the chord progression. It's often no more than lifting a finger and placing it somewhere else on the fret board. I'm sure the internet has broader and more simple explanations than I can give you...........I see what you're doing with your song. I like the nostalgic theme. Much of my music is exactly that. Is there a chorus or a refrain in your song? Something that might sum-up everything you're detailing in the verses? I like the pictures you are drawing in the lyrics. With the language barrier, I'm not sure what the chorus/refrain is, if there is one. You don't have to have one, but some songs need one........Here's an idea. This is my song called "My Old Neighborhood." After each verse I sing the refrain "it won't be back, it's gone for good. All except these ghost from my old neighborhood." This is simply how I approached writing a song with a theme similar to yours. Another song with the same theme might be done very differently. There are countless ways to do it.

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Larry, I just listened to the song you linked to. It has a very pleasant melody and you are very good at creating mental images in your lyrics. I also liked the very soft, almost spoken singing style. That is an approach I will file in memory for a future song.

 

As for my song, the song has no chorus, but I have the words for it. I haven't decided if I should try to use it or not. The lyric is an imaginary walk through downtown, where I name some familiar places, both current and long gone. As the song is now, I think the little simple lick sort ties the verses together.

 

My biggest challenge is not writing lyrics or coming up with melodies, it is getting them from my brain out of my mouth, while playing something not too dull on the guitar at the same time... [smile]

 

Lars

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Lars,

 

I listened again. I think it's a really good song, and I like hearing you sing it, especially knowing what it was talking about! I gave you some suggestions, but I just want to let you know that I enjoyed not just the song but also your vocal. I thought it was spot on throughout large parts of the song. There are a couple of moments where you may go off, but what stuck with me are the majority. I was just trying to listen very critically last time.

 

I think the guitar can help us stay on pitch when we struggle, if we try to meld our vocal to our playing. I found myself doing that in those few moments you may have gone off pitch, singing it to match the guitar playing to see how I thought the melody should sound. I hope this makes some sense. [smile]

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Avery, thanks for the compliments. The devil is definetely in the details, and I appreciate your advice and suggestions based on critical listening. I find it a lot easier posting my songs to strangers on the internet than playing them for family and friends. I tend to write lyrics with an intent to be "serious" and the more errors there are in the singing, the more fake or pretentious the songs come across.

 

Lars

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  • 3 weeks later...

Friends, I hope you don't mind if I revisit this old thread of mine from a few weeks ago?

 

I have worked on this song some more, changing a chord and practiced the singing. I'm just curious to see if you think it is for the better.

 

Here is the new:

https://soundcloud.com/lars1968/va-r-stad-ver-2

 

And here is the old :

https://soundcloud.com/lars1968/va-r-stad-1-1

 

Please bring on the truth...

 

Lars

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Hey there Lars,

 

Yeah, I did think it was better. Pitch seems more consistent. While listening to parts of it I thought to myself "Hey, that sounds really good". Your vocal is louder and more confident which I think is always a good thing.

 

Guitar sounds excellent and louder too.

 

Which one of your Gibsons or Martins are you using on your recordings?

 

 

I enjoyed it, Lars.

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Where I hear the improvement Lars is in the timing and overall rhythm. It has overall more of a groove and gels stronger than the first effort.

 

It terms of opportunities would still like to hear more chest voice coming through, I think this song needs it. I hear your vocal delivery coming fully from the throat and head and it lacks bass from the voice, which comes from the chest.

 

The only way to learn this is vocal exercises and building up the vocal muscles, as I mentioned before, Id suggest some investment in this area as its a very rewarding persuit.

 

Enjoy the journey !

 

btw: why are you using electric strings on an acoustic ?

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Thanks for the input, EA. I agree with what you are saying. Singing is my weak link, and I'm determined to learn eventually. I am doing exercises as you suggest, so maybe one day...

 

Yes, electric nickel strings is what I use. It sounds great with mahogany guitars and makes them record much better, especially the boomy Martins. It is a trick I pick up from the Martin forum.

 

Lars

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