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Joke of the day maybe


Aster1

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The spoon: A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

 

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

 

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

I bet they paid the consultants a pretty penny for the results they got too!!! [biggrin]

 

Aster

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Used to be a consultant. Man we were the most hated people on Earth. Soon as we walked into a business, everyone was literally shiitting themselves. Trying to get the inside baseball on whether their job was in jeopardy. I have heard all the jokes. I finally hung it up for the most part.

 

About 5 years ago, I developed a software program that helps heavy construction companies bid on jobs, and have done a little of that sort of work lately. It's a little more rewarding.

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Loved that joke! I think I would have given him back that spare spoon and sipped the bowl of soup like hot coffe.

Once at Havelock Shops, a assistant superintendent came over to our area where my partner and I were working and asked me the dumbest question I've ever heard. We were in Shot Blast and preparing cars to be stripped of their paint and repainted at the paint shop. We would pull a car into the building, prepare it for the cabinet that was automated to strip the paint. Then when that car was stopped in the cabinet, we would pull two more cars in the building and prep them. So only one car could be in the cabinet, and two cars would fit inside the building that would be next. When this guy came over, he asked me, " How many cars will fit back here?" I paused looking at my partner puzzled and said: "FOUR, if we stack them on top of one another." (Like,can you put a Railroad Box car on top of another?) That's a true story! Lol

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A man wakes up in hospital after a terrible accident.

When the surgeon comes to see him, he says "I have to tell you that your groin area was the most injured. We managed to save your balls but I'm afraid to say your penis was completely torn off."

Seeing the look of horror on the man's face, the surgeon continues..."Look, don't worry; advances in medical science mean we can give you a transplant and it's a fairly straightforward operation, but you must discuss this with your wife. There are 2 sizes of replacement, 5 inches and 9 inches - and I can do the whole thing for $20,000."

 

After a couple of weeks the man is well enough to go home. On the morning he is discharged the surgeon sees him again and says "Don't forget, your options are 5" or 9", it will cost $20,000 and you must discuss this with your wife; let's book you an appointment next week and then you can tell me what you have both decided."

 

A week later the man returns for his appointment.

The surgeon says, "OK now, which option have you and your wife decided on?"

There is a pause. The man sighs -

"Well.......we're getting a new kitchen."

 

[laugh]

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A man wakes up in hospital after a terrible accident.

When the surgeon comes to see him, he says "I have to tell you that your groin area was the most injured. We managed to save your balls but I'm afraid to say your penis was completely torn off."

Seeing the look of horror on the man's face, the surgeon continues..."Look, don't worry; advances in medical science mean we can give you a transplant and it's a fairly straightforward operation, but you must discuss this with your wife. There are 2 sizes of replacement, 5 inches and 9 inches - and I can do the whole thing for $20,000."

 

After a couple of weeks the man is well enough to go home. On the morning he is discharged the surgeon sees him again and says "Don't forget, your options are 5" or 9", it will cost $20,000 and you must discuss this with your wife; let's book you an appointment next week and then you can tell me what you have both decided."

 

A week later the man returns for his appointment.

The surgeon says, "OK now, which option have you and your wife decided on?"

There is a pause. The man sighs -

"Well.......we're getting a new kitchen."

 

[laugh]

 

I thought that the punch line was that they put it on, but they messed up and put it on upside down, now he can't tell if he is coming or going.

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An old woman goes into a jewellers and sees a beautiful diamond ring. As she leans over to look at it she farts. Standing back up she asks the salesman 'How much is the ring? He replies, 'If you fart looking at it, you'll s**t yourself at the price'.

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And Then:

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over...women like that are hard to find." [biggrin]

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Mrs. Carlo comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

 

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Mama1_zpsblcrx3yr.jpg

 

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

 

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

 

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she

took it, do you?"

 

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

 

Dear Mama,

 

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever

since you were here for dinner.

 

Your Loving Son,

 

Anthony

 

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

 

Dear son,

 

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,

she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

 

Your Loving Mama

Mama2_zpscpi6lul8.jpg

Moral:

Never Bulla Shita your mama [biggrin]

 

Aster

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A lovely old bloke called Tommy Smith came by today, he was dropping off a feed of fish to Mum & her partner. I was mowing up near the front gate and as he came out I stopped and had a natter to him. Tom is a well known cattle farmer locally.

 

He was saying amongst other things that he was at the doctors this week to get some prescriptions he needed. I'll try and tell his story to you like he told it to me today.

 

"I need some prescriptions please Doc."

 

"What is it you want Tommy?" Tommy read his list and paused and then said "Oh yeah and I want some Viagra please Doc".

 

"Tommy that's ridiculous, you're 92 you don't need Viagra at your age!" Doc passes scripts to Tom who checks them and says "Doc you haven't given me the one for Viagra!"

 

"Tommy, at your age what are you gonna do with Viagra?"

 

Tom says "I put half a tablet in my tea!"

 

"What on earth does that do by putting it in your tea Tom?"

 

"Well it stops my biscuits from going soggy and breaking in the middle Doc".

 

Tom's a bit of a character as you can see.

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Story I just read. True or made up, doesn't matter. THIS is kinda a joke but not totally. I would like to have written this to my bank with every damn fee they charge now (that use to be part of having an account with the bank).

 

Aster

 

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

 

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

 

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

 

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

 

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

 

#1. To make an appointment to see me

 

#2. To query a missing payment.

 

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

 

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

 

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

 

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

 

#7.. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

 

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

 

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

 

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

 

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

 

 

Your Humble Client

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An elephant was walking across the savanah when he heard a little mouse cry out for help. Looking around, he saw the mouse trapped in a hole. The mouse asked for the elephant’s help in getting out.

 

First the elephant looked for a tree branch, but they were miles from any trees. Next, the elephant tried to lower is trunk into the hole, but he couldn’t get it down far enough for the mouse to grab onto it. Then the elephant had an idea. He stood over the hole and closed his eyes. The mouse was afraid of what was coming next. But to his surprise, the elephant’s penis started to grow. It got longer and longer until the mouse could scamper up it. The elephant then moved him to safety. The mouse promised to make up the favor.

 

A week later, the mouse was walking along when heard a cry for help from his elephant friend. Amazingly, the elephant was trapped in an elephant-sized hole. The mouse surmised quickly that the same trick that the elephant had used wouldn’t help his elephant friend. He then got an idea and ran off.

 

The mouse returned driving his Mercedes. He attached a chain to the bumper and tossed the other end to the elephant. He got into the car and floored it. The pull of the car was just enough for the elephant to clamber out to safety.

 

The moral of the story: If you have a Mecedes you don’t need a big ****.

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