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The Hour Glass


Lars68

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Hi friends, here is a new song I'm working on. I'm posting a very fresh, incomplete, first take because I always improve my songs from the feedback I receive here.

 

With this one I wanted more of a "poetic" feel, and not so much the folk song vibe, as with my other songs. Not sure I managed that just yet, but I kind of like the feel/atmosphere so far. The song only has two verses, with no chorus. I think I like it that way. However, I'm not so happy with the lyrics for the second verse as of now, so in the recording below, I'm simply doing the lyrics of the first verse twice. The take is litterally me recording while writing the song, so please excuse bad timing, bummed strings, pitchy singing etc.

 

https://soundcloud.com/lars1968/the-hour-glass

 

What do you think? Worth spending more time on?

 

Lars

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Hey Lars, thanks for sharing, I enjoy hearing your songs.

 

Yes, I think this early draft definitely merits more time. It had some very nice qualities.

 

My favorite parts were the opening and closing instrumental parts. I wonder if you could craft the melody around the notes or chords in those parts, or somehow incorporate it more in the verses since to me it seemed that the melody went in a different direction (nothing at all wrong with that, and I might be mistaken) and those instrumentals really set the mood for the song, more than the other parts.

 

I am quite interested to see where you take this.

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Thanks Avery. I will work some more on the song to see what happens. The little intro is kind of in the same rythm as the rest of the melody, but otherwise it is very different, I wanted to start with something that could set the mood. At least it's a start...

 

Lars

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the concept from what I heard is great, nice words, vocals are improving.

 

this one has nice hook, it's a bit dark and I definitely like a bit of dark!

 

I think you have something here Lars. You're coming along man. keep it up.

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the concept from what I heard is great, nice words, vocals are improving.

 

this one has nice hook, it's a bit dark and I definitely like a bit of dark!

 

I think you have something here Lars. You're coming along man. keep it up.

 

 

Thanks, I appreciate it. This was only my third attempt singing it. So I'm pretty confident I can get the singing in order once I practice it some more. Yes, my songs have a tendency for the dark. The music that speaks the most to me has always been the dark stuff. I went out and bought Springsteen's Nebraska when I was fourteen, and it has gone downhill since then... [biggrin] However, no need to worry about me. No suicidal tendencies. I'm doing just fine! [biggrin]

 

Lars

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I completed the words. I want them to read kind of like a poem. It is my first effort with interchanging rhyming lines. It was kind of hard to do, because I wanted all lines to fit with my idea. Do you think it works?

 

the hour glass is broken

and time falls to the floor

too many words unspoken

I'm trapped behind a closed door

 

the sand won't pull back

it covers all I've forsaken

maybe its the effort I lack

or the wrong road I've taken

 

So throw away the maps and keys to where we are

pack your bags boys, lets catch the Northern Star

 

Our new town shall be unknown

and our street without a name

pure seeds will be sown

for our love to remain

 

I wanna make it up to you

for the time lost between

the most beautiful two

boys I have ever seen

 

So throw away the maps and keys to where we are

pack your bags boys, lets catch the Northern Star

 

Lars

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Lars, i would like to offer you a suggestion. Rather than offering a song that is in very early stages and asking us to ignore the bad timing, bummed strings and pitch singing, as you say, why not work on it more and offer a song which doesnt have bad timing, bummed notes and pitchy singing ?

I think the board wold be then be able to give you much more specific and focused feedback then the more general 'the songs has potential' (which i a agree) but its difficult to give concrete feedback when its still very patchy.

 

I would rather you gave us your absolute best effort and then ask for constructive, focused feedback as that I think would give you most value.

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Lars, i would like to offer you a suggestion. Rather than offering a song that is in very early stages and asking us to ignore the bad timing, bummed strings and pitch singing, as you say, why not work on it more and offer a song which doesnt have bad timing, bummed notes and pitchy singing ?

I think the board wold be then be able to give you much more specific and focused feedback then the more general 'the songs has potential' (which i a agree) but its difficult to give concrete feedback when its still very patchy.

 

I would rather you gave us your absolute best effort and then ask for constructive, focused feedback as that I think would give you most value.

 

Oh well, I think the reason for me posting early versions is due to the fact that I'm extremely insecure about my own abilities. I sometimes think I might be on to something, and then in the next moment, I think what I'm doing is complete garbage [biggrin]

 

But, point taken, and best effort coming up...might take a while, though...

 

Lars

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Oh well, I think the reason for me posting early versions is due to the fact that I'm extremely insecure about my own abilities. I sometimes think I might be on to something, and then in the next moment, I think what I'm doing is complete garbage [biggrin]

 

 

But thats the whole point why to post your best effort Lars, so that you can have a better chance of receiving positive feedback and grow your confidence then compared with presenting a weaker effort - wouldnt that make sense ?

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It's your insecurity that's holding back the progress in the singing

 

Have you tried with two or three beers ?

 

I'm not saying that you should turn to alcohol , but nothing makes a singer wobble and have trouble more than nervousness and insecurity

 

Relax before you record it , focus and basically remind yourself of how fantastic you are. It's no surprise that singers have a reputation for a big ego , it's a necessity sometimes

 

A mask is how some people have described it.

 

Put your inner mask on ... Have a beer ... If you worry about the note coming up it won't help things ....

 

 

There's a saying that 'they may not say I was a great singer , but at least they won't be able to say I didn't'

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I think the reason for me posting early versions is due to the fact that I'm extremely insecure about my own abilities.

 

That begs the question: why would you post less than your best effort if that is the case? I admire your persistence, but posting incomplete, half-baked attempts will not serve to bolster your insecurities on an acoustic guitar forum. There are songwriter forums where such efforts are the norm, where writers of varying skill levels share ideas, incomplete lyrics, songs, etc. and offer help and suggestions for improvement. Don't particularly enjoy raining on anyone's parade but I do believe your desire to compose and efforts to improve would be better served on a songwriter's forum. I sincerely hope you take this in the spirit intended, Lars..........not seeking to chop you off at the knees, rather point you in a direction that could offer you some real help with your writing. Peace.

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Oh well, I think the reason for me posting early versions is due to the fact that I'm extremely insecure about my own abilities. I sometimes think I might be on to something, and then in the next moment, I think what I'm doing is complete garbage [biggrin]

 

But, point taken, and best effort coming up...might take a while, though...

 

Lars

 

 

Lars, we all have our insecurities about our abilities. You have a really nice talent for being able to pen words to a song. Maybe your trying to hard to sing and make it perfect. I don't know if that makes sense, but just take a deep relaxing breath and let it rip.

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Lars, just to comment on the lyrics, I really like the second-to-last stanza and the whole theme of rebuilding anew. I admire your talents at writing, especially in your non-native language. It's quite impressive.

 

And I'm genuinely looking forward to see where you take this.

 

Grunt and Keith both give some excellent advice that all singers could use.

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Lars, I understand the insecure feeling entirely,

 

I kind of think that a persons singing voice (IMO only) is one of those things where some people, well God just touched something inside them, and they just have it.

 

Me, not so much!! I have to work on it.

 

Inhibitions are usually my biggest wall... When I forget about those, (it's all in the head) I'm better.

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Thanks for the input everyone! When I said I was insecure about my abilities, I was thinking about my abilities to write a decent song, not necessarily about my abilities to sing them. However, all pointers above how to get past singing insecurities, do very much apply.

 

Buc, you are probably right that a songwriting forum could serve me better. However, there are not enough hours in a day to keep up with two forums. I love the people and atmosphere here too much to leave, so I think I'll stick around, take my chances, and learn as much as I can. I will, however, make sure that the next song I post will be done with every effort I can muster. Might stll be a stinker, through... [biggrin]

 

Lars

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Thanks for the input everyone! When I said I was insecure about my abilities, I was thinking about my abilities to write a decent song, not necessarily about my abilities to sing them. However, all pointers above how to get past singing insecurities, do very much apply.

 

Buc, you are probably right that a songwriting forum could serve me better. However, there are not enough hours in a day to keep up with two forums. I love the people and atmosphere here too much to leave, so I think I'll stick around, take my chances, and learn as much as I can. I will, however, make sure that the next song I post will be done with every effort I can muster. Might stll be a stinker, through... [biggrin]

 

Lars

 

This is a great, free songwriting course from berklee. Its a weekly ongoing tutorial, and Pat is really great in thinking about lyric writing, delivery, phrasing ... its all free.

 

 

https://www.coursera.org/learn/songwriting-lyrics

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Well, I had a day off today and really, REALLY, worked hard on this song (by the way, I changed a few words, and also the title).

 

It's by no means flawless, but it is the best I can do as of now, without cutting and pasting the best parts from several attempts. It has kind of an eerie feel to it that I like a lot.

 

https://soundcloud.com/lars1968/northern-star-2

 

Lars

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Well, I had a day off today and really, REALLY, worked hard on this song (by the way, I changed a few words, and also the title).

 

It's by no means flawless, but it is the best I can do as of now, without cutting and pasting the best parts from several attempts. It has kind of an eerie feel to it that I like a lot.

 

 

Lars

 

Yes, definitely stronger Lars, signficant improvement. Your vocals are much stronger, there is more of a thread going through the song, and i really like a lot that opening melody, its haunting, and tasty selection of note choice. Keep on playing it and experimenting, your vocals will continue to improve and you might find other ideas to include and pieces of inspiration.

 

Now you just need to add a full horn section, choir and synth to make it big, big, big, like the Icelandish Viking chant from the Euros.

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Yeah, I agree with EA, vocals are much improved.

 

I like the overall mood you've created with the melody and the guitar part especially. It matches well with the lyrics.

 

Thanks a bunch! Like I said, it is by no means flawless, but it'll do for now. I will keep working on it, like I always do, to see if I can improve it a little more. I'm kind of proud of the lyrics, which I think are my best so far. They are kind of personal and mean a great deal to me.

 

Lars

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