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Lars68

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I have been struggling for the last couples of days to do a passable version of a song I wrote a short while back. I posted a thread about the lyrics recently, and thought it would be fun to share the music with you. Below is a pass of the song I can stand. My pitch is about as fragile as 15th century Chinese pottery, but I think you get the idea of where I want the song to be.

 

It might be a little too simple as far as chord structure and melodic variation, but I'm very happy with the lyrics. In fact, it might be the best words I've been able to put to song as of yet. Thanks again all who helped. It means a lot to me.

 

This is in no way a finished product, that might never happen, but here is what I have:

https://soundcloud.com/lars1968/to-sunlit-skies-1

 

Lars

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Like it, and once you get used to the song, I think the singing will flow a bit more naturally.

 

A couple of thoughts:

 

-- Maybe it's just me, but the second little lead thing you do four times in the song (it first comes at 0:13, then at 1:22 and 2:30 and then near the end, but my time counter stopped...) doesn't add anything and just sounds too dissonant, to my ears. You've got a mellow, easy-going melody, and while the first little lead thing you do is ok (it throws us a satisfying curveball, to use an American baseball phrase) but when you follow it with the other lead thing, it just seems out of place. Townes Van Zandt said that whatever you do musically, it has to "serve the song." I don't think the second lead thingie serves the song.

 

-- My inclination on the first chorus would be to omit the word "right" in the last line and just sing, "They are all still here." For one, "here" implies "right here," and for another, it allows you to draw out "here" when you sing it, giving us some tension.

 

As always, keep in mind these are just the observations of a certified hack. But you've done a good job! Keep it up!

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Like it, and once you get used to the song, I think the singing will flow a bit more naturally.

 

A couple of thoughts:

 

-- Maybe it's just me, but the second little lead thing you do four times in the song (it first comes at 0:13, then at 1:22 and 2:30 and then near the end, but my time counter stopped...) doesn't add anything and just sounds too dissonant, to my ears. You've got a mellow, easy-going melody, and while the first little lead thing you do is ok (it throws us a satisfying curveball, to use an American baseball phrase) but when you follow it with the other lead thing, it just seems out of place. Townes Van Zandt said that whatever you do musically, it has to "serve the song." I don't think the second lead thingie serves the song.

 

-- My inclination on the first chorus would be to omit the word "right" in the last line and just sing, "They are all still here." For one, "here" implies "right here," and for another, it allows you to draw out "here" when you sing it, giving us some tension.

 

As always, keep in mind these are just the observations of a certified hack. But you've done a good job! Keep it up!

 

 

I appreciate the listen and the feedback, David. I think you are right about the second lead intro bit. It sounds weird. I will try to rewrite it, or perhaps just leave it out completely. The chord progression is where I want it, even if I just skip it.

 

I have to say that trying to write lyrics and music is tremendously satisfying, even though I realize that what I come up with are no masterpieces. Just the realization that it is something that came out of my own head, that didn't exist before I wrote it, is enough for me. There is still a lot to be desired as far as singing and delivery, no doubt, but I am very happy just to be able to do this as is.

 

Lars

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Lars, i rather like it and i think it has potential but its a bit too montonous right now. Try to mix up the phrasing a bit, placement of the words, a bit more dynamics. I think foundation is there but it needs a bit more of variety and energy to keep the listener involved and satisfied thorugh the whole song.

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Hey Lars, here's 2 cents from an unaccomplished musician trying to figure out the songwriting process myself. First - love the guitar, the sound of the guitar and the rhythm pattern - good stuff (which guitar by the way?). Staying on that, I would keep polishing until it is as smooth as can be... it's good now, but I try to get things to go from good to automatic. Once I get to automatic ... I then figure where / how do I want to add things to mix them up. The other thing I would say is I like your voice but the tone doesn't always match the words. i.e. :23 'the storm runs through my mind'... :30 'the walls of confusion are closing in'. To me, the tone you use is almost soothing, but when I listen to the lyrics - it's a different message, I'd try to get a little angst sound in there. ...but then again that could be a twist you're trying for?

 

Regardless - I'm saying good freakin job, it is impressive coming up with something from nothing - and an impressive something at that.

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Hey Lars, here's 2 cents from an unaccomplished musician trying to figure out the songwriting process myself. First - love the guitar, the sound of the guitar and the rhythm pattern - good stuff (which guitar by the way?). Staying on that, I would keep polishing until it is as smooth as can be... it's good now, but I try to get things to go from good to automatic. Once I get to automatic ... I then figure where / how do I want to add things to mix them up. The other thing I would say is I like your voice but the tone doesn't always match the words. i.e. :23 'the storm runs through my mind'... :30 'the walls of confusion are closing in'. To me, the tone you use is almost soothing, but when I listen to the lyrics - it's a different message, I'd try to get a little angst sound in there. ...but then again that could be a twist you're trying for?

 

Regardless - I'm saying good freakin job, it is impressive coming up with something from nothing - and an impressive something at that.

 

Thanks for listening eveyone. I think that the lack of dynamics and angst you hear in my voice is just me being incredibly insecure with regards to the pitch of my voice. I have a very, very hard time being on pitch, so that inhibits me from expressing myself more freely. I absolutely agree that the song needs more emotion or a varied expression of some kind. I'm afraid I just don't have it in my voice at the moment, but I will work hard to get there. I'm just about starting to get close with the first couple of songs I wrote three years ago, so it will be a good while with this new one. The take posted above was number 28(!) yesterday, and I had done plenty worse on even more attempts in the days before [biggrin] I still have take one on my iPad, and that could easily be used as an instrument for torture by some totalitarian regime. Watch out! [biggrin]

 

I will try to add some dynamics by adding more instruments. I'm thinking a second guitar, some percussion and my neighbors accordion, but I need my take to improve a little more before then...

 

Lars

 

By the way, the guitar is a D-28 with nickel strings to make it brighter for finger picking. The mic is quite a bit out too, to avoid boominess.

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Lars, I think the comment that dhanners623 is correct because that riff does not fit into it's surroundings. The only problem with omitting the riff is that omission makes the comments of being monotonous even more correct than they are now. As a result, I think that riff is needed, but not as-is. It just needs to be adjusted.

 

(To clarify the obvious, mine are just some thoughts from an amateur who happens to share a bit of the road your musical journey is taking. (disclaimer over) )

 

My initial thought on adjustment is fairly simple for the first time the riff hits.

1A:) Let the note prior to the riff ring out just a bit more.

1B:) Does that riff's end serve as the 1st beat for the next measure? To me, it sounds like it ends on the 3rd beat of the current measure. Perhaps something is messing with my timing on this one?

2:) For that riff, maybe dig in a very small amount more than you are. Just a little bit. A teensy bit of energy increase with this helps you to sell the decreased instrument volume as the vocals kick in.

 

And for some more added fun, you hit some nice sounding bass notes early into the intro. I'm not sure if it was the :02 second mark or not. Perhaps start with that "bassy" phrase and do a very short progression as the intro, being sure resolve on that note that I suggested to let ring out a teensy bit before the riff. SOMETHING along that line would give the listener some subtle elements that fit together while providing breaks for monotony and energy. An added bonus, assuming the riff is presented well, is having it appear a few more times in the song. Eventually it will be part of the song without having to create room for it. It will add energy each time it is heard.

 

So anyhow, just some thoughts and ramblings from outside the project. I hope I did not say too much. I think your song project is off to a good start. I look forward to watching it bloom.

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Thanks for listening eveyone. I think that the lack of dynamics and angst you hear in my voice is just me being incredibly insecure with regards to the pitch of my voice. I have a very, very hard time being on pitch, so that inhibits me from expressing myself more freely. I absolutely agree that the song needs more emotion or a varied expression of some kind. I'm afraid I just don't have it in my voice at the moment, but I will work hard to get there. I'm just about starting to get close with the first couple of songs I wrote three years ago, so it will be a good while with this new one. The take posted above was number 28(!) yesterday, and I had done plenty worse on even more attempts in the days before [biggrin] I still have take one on my iPad, and that could easily be used as an instrument for torture by some totalitarian regime. Watch out! [biggrin]

 

I will try to add some dynamics by adding more instruments. I'm thinking a second guitar, some percussion and my neighbors accordion, but I need my take to improve a little more before then...

 

Lars

 

By the way, the guitar is a D-28 with nickel strings to make it brighter for finger picking. The mic is quite a bit out too, to avoid boominess.

 

I was sure that was your old J-45, the guiars sounds aboslutely great. Would not have guessed it was a D-28, it has a lot of clarity and character, which normally I find D-28's rather muddy on recordings and a bit single trick ponies, yours sounds superb Lars.

 

My advice regarding the vocals, dont post unless its your best effort, work on it, in every respect then post because you will get most value from the feecback. If you share a piece of work that is obviously a work in progress, and you know what needs to be worked on then you will just get feedback to things you already know. If its your best effort then the feedback might suprrise you or make you think about things you have not considered.

 

Enjoy the journey, the song has a foundation, it now needs more chiselling.

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EA, my vocals are really my best effort as is, within reason of course. I worked for two weeks to get to the level of the posted recording. In the short term, I can't do significantly better. A few years from now, of course anything might be possible... [biggrin]

 

Thanks for the compliment on the guitar tone. I think the key in this case is the nickel strings and the distance to the mic. The guitar is indeed muddy in normal circumstances.

 

Lars

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I dig this one too. You really have a style of your own. Appreciated, , , ,

like fact you don't use auto-tuner - in fact these are connected.

 

And hep for that little signature-riff - gotta the 5-6 high-notes in the third phase.

Keep creating

 

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I think these are all good and earnest comments, Lars, and people are obviously listening with a critical ear, as you asked. Some thoughts:

 

-- It doesn't have to be a masterpiece. It just has to be yours. Tell your story.

 

-- When it comes to melodies, simpler is better, especially when you're starting out. I like a catchy melody as much as the next guy or gal, but you just need a melody that is consistent and gets you through the song. It has to fit the words. There's the concept of "prosody." Google that word and "Pat Pattison" and you'll learn a lot. Here's a sampler: http://www.songwriting.net/blog/bid/57631/songwriting-lyric-writing-tip-prosody

 

-- This is just a personal notion, but a lot of neophyte songwriters use five chords when two would do. Listen to a song like Merle Haggard's "The Bottle Let Me Down." It's a country classic. He tells the whole story in 92 words (granted, he repeats the 24-word chorus) and he has a heck of a memorable and singable melody built on a grand total of TWO chords.

 

-- A lot of songwriters, when they're starting out, make the process more difficult than it has to be. De-mystify songwriting. This is not rocket science. It is storytelling, and most humans have the capacity to tell stories. The basics of storytelling hold: Tell us what you're going to tell us, then tell us, then tell us what you just told us. Throw in some words that rhyme and you're home.

 

-- Above all, KEEP AT IT. Songwriting is like anything else (generally speaking) in that the more you practice it, the better you get.

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I dig this one too. You really have a style of your own. Appreciated, , , ,

like fact you don't use auto-tuner - in fact these are connected.

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Haha, you really have talent for expressings things from odd angles, Em7 [biggrin] I guess the above quote is sort of a compliment. As for any "style" that I might have, that clearly comes from loving this so much that it won't stop me from posting stuff, even though I don't have all of my ABCs learned yet [biggrin]

 

Lars

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I think these are all good and earnest comments, Lars, and people are obviously listening with a critical ear, as you asked. Some thoughts:

 

-- It doesn't have to be a masterpiece. It just has to be yours. Tell your story.

 

-- When it comes to melodies, simpler is better, especially when you're starting out. I like a catchy melody as much as the next guy or gal, but you just need a melody that is consistent and gets you through the song. It has to fit the words. There's the concept of "prosody." Google that word and "Pat Pattison" and you'll learn a lot. Here's a sampler: http://www.songwriting.net/blog/bid/57631/songwriting-lyric-writing-tip-prosody

 

-- This is just a personal notion, but a lot of neophyte songwriters use five chords when two would do. Listen to a song like Merle Haggard's "The Bottle Let Me Down." It's a country classic. He tells the whole story in 92 words (granted, he repeats the 24-word chorus) and he has a heck of a memorable and singable melody built on a grand total of TWO chords.

 

-- A lot of songwriters, when they're starting out, make the process more difficult than it has to be. De-mystify songwriting. This is not rocket science. It is storytelling, and most humans have the capacity to tell stories. The basics of storytelling hold: Tell us what you're going to tell us, then tell us, then tell us what you just told us. Throw in some words that rhyme and you're home.

 

-- Above all, KEEP AT IT. Songwriting is like anything else (generally speaking) in that the more you practice it, the better you get.

 

Thanks for the input, David. I found a lot of interesting stuff in that link you gave.

 

Lars

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I just went through my vocal takes and pasted together the best verses and choruses to one version. I really want to be able to sing it all in one take, but I've come to realize editing might, given my shakey abilities, be just about the only way to get a decent final track. Still not a masterpiece, but at least better:

 

https://soundcloud.com/lars1968/to-sunlit-skies-1

 

Thanks all who helped me along.

 

Lars

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A step forward I think. As suggested above (thanks for that!), I modified the riff, and left out the second little chord-transitional thingy. I also gave the vocals a new shot, then did a second vocal take for the choruses to give them a bit of lift.

 

https://soundcloud.com/lars1968/to-sunlit-skies-2

 

Sweden lost to England today in the last eight of the football (soccer, for some) world championships, but what better way to forget about that then picking up a guitar and singing a song [thumbup]

 

Lars

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