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Worst Food....

#1 User is offline   Murph 

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Posted 19 February 2019 - 05:50 AM

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Dublin. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one food that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."
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#2 User is offline   Murph 

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Posted 19 February 2019 - 05:58 AM

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died....... I'm married to his bloody widow."
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#3 User is offline   Murph 

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Posted 19 February 2019 - 06:00 AM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer Vito Capaletti because he knows sign language.

The Godfather tells Vito, “Ask him where the money is!" So Vito, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." Then Vito tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again Vito or I'll kill him!"
So Vito signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather then asks Vito, "What did he say?"

Vito replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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#4 User is online   blindboygrunt 

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Posted 19 February 2019 - 07:33 AM

Good old Murph 🤣
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#5 User is offline   vacamartin 

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Posted 19 February 2019 - 07:44 AM

Posted ImageWedding CakePosted Image
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#6 User is offline   kidblast 

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Posted 19 February 2019 - 10:04 AM

There goes murph again.. I tell ya.. he's got a million of em !
/Ray
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#7 User is online   QuestionMark 

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Posted 19 February 2019 - 12:30 PM

Murph’s humor is certainly appreciated this morning.

QM aka “Jazzman” Jeff
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#8 User is online   FZ Fan 

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Posted 19 February 2019 - 12:39 PM

Brussel Sprouts
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