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Murph

Lighten Up.....

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“ A U.S. Navy aircraft carrier is traveling at night not far from a New England shoreline. I bright light is spotted directly ahead. The captain opens the emergency radio channel and makes contact saying. "We are headed on a collision course, alter your course 20 degrees to starboard." The reply comes back. "You alter YOUR course 20 degrees to starboard." The captain transmits "I am a U.S. Navy captain - again, alter your course 20 degrees to starboard." The reply is "I am a seaman second class, sir. You alter YOUR course." the captain transmits "I am a U. S. Navy aircraft carrier. I am not altering my course." The reply - "I am a lighthouse - your call." ”

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“ Did you hear what happened to the frog who parked himself illegally on his neighbor's lily pad?

 

He got toad. ”

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Curious when she found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, Amanda had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were pictures of her, both younger and slimmer, taken on one of her first dates with her husband.

 

When she showed him the photos, his face lit up.

"Wow, look at that!" he said. "It's my old Plymouth!"

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With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

 

Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by an after-dinner liqueur. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

 

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

 

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

 

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before... I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

 

Drive safely this Holiday Season!!

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EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

 

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

 

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain..'

 

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

 

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

 

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

 

 

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

 

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

 

 

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

 

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless Tit?'

 

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

 

Send to men with a sense of humour & women who figure this makes sense.

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Dear Dr. Phil,

 

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime – fishing.

 

I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

 

Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner, who it turned out, loves fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

 

As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time out on the lake.

 

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful fish you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!

 

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice fish that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

 

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

 

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks,

Pete

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two fish we caught.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATT00155-1.jpg

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Along the lines of the OP.

 

Top This One For A Speeding Ticket

 

Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville, TX. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite tree tops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, TX.

 

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

 

"Thank you for your letter....

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

 

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77, south of Kingsville.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video information systems on these jets are extremely high resolution.

 

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster."

 

Semper FI

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Along the lines of the OP.

 

Top This One For A Speeding Ticket

 

Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville, TX. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite tree tops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, TX.

 

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

 

"Thank you for your letter....

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

 

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77, south of Kingsville.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video information systems on these jets are extremely high resolution.

 

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster."

 

Semper FI

 

 

That's quire a funny story, but it reminds me of an incident I had. My Wife and I were driving through some valley's in the Yorkshire Dale's, and I had a Radar Detector on the windscreen of the car (of course, I'd never break the speed limit). All of a sudden the detector whent mad with every alarm on it sounding off at the same time. A couple of seconds later an RAF Tornado when passed afew feet above the car!

 

Ian

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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the man about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make him uncomfortable.

 

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

 

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

 

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said: "Well yeah, if that's what they are — I never heard of circle flies."

 

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

 

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then he stops and says, "Hey ... are you trying to call me a horse's @§§?"

 

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to think you might be a horse's @§§."

 

The trooper replies, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

 

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

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A woman looking in the mirror says to her husband 'I look fat and ugly, pay me a compliment?'. He replies..'Your eyesight is spot on'.

 

Man to wife..'Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'? 'Your d**k is bigger than your brother's'.

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Three bears are walking in the woods when they hear a loud noise behind them. The lead bear stops and turns to the others and says did you hear that? The other two bears look at each other and reply with a deep growling roar and several grunts… Translation: Sorry we don't speak English…

 

I made this one up… I guess you can tell [rolleyes]

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I have a poor memory for jokes - but I remember two. Both have to do with frogs for some reason.

 

 

An old man finds an unusual looking frog in the park. He picks it up and surprisingly it begins to talk to him.

 

"Sir, if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess!"

 

The man is shocked, but the frog keeps repeating the same thing. Unsure what to do, the man slips the frog into his coat pocket. He returns to the home where he sadly lives alone since his wife died 10 years ago. Entering his lonely kitchen, he takes the from out of his pocket and drops it into a metal pot, whereupon the frog begins speaking again...

 

"Seriously, sir, all you have to do is kiss me and I will turn into a woman more beautiful than you can imagine. I will be all yours. And I can do things for you that will make your head spin."

 

Still unsure, the man turns out the kitchen light and goes to bed early, He's meeting friends for breakfast in the morning followed by chess in the park. He sleeps soundly only occasionally thinking about the strange talking frog in his kitchen.

 

In the morning, after showering and dressing, he take this lid off of the pot in the kitchen again.

 

"Look, man," the frog says, "I don't know what you're waiting for. I've promised you that I will turn into a beautiful princess if you kiss me. I've assured you that I will perform all sorts of sexual favors for you. What's your problem?"

 

As the old man lifts the frog out of the pot and pops it into his pocket he replies, "Truthfully, at this age, I'd really rather have a talking frog."

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Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the Dun Laoghaire ferry checkpoint.

 

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

 

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

 

"You can’t pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

 

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I’ve had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

 

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

 

Ian

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When at a store checkout the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags in future because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

 

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

 

The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

 

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got blunt.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

 

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the shop and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two streets.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

 

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 2200watts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

 

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the county of Yorkshire. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not polystyrene or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

 

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect to have out of season products flown thousands of air miles around the world. We actually cooked food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrapping and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

 

Back then, people caught a train or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza place.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we oldies were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

 

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-*** young person.

 

 

 

 

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to pi55 us off...

 

Ian

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Took the new wife up to the honeymoon suite after all the festivities, got undressed and she say's "What is this, a joke? "

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry BBP, couldn't help myself! [biggrin]

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This one always seems to get deleted.

 

 

A man comes home and hears his son upstairs acting crazy, so he goes up to see whats going on. His son say Dad I got laid for the first time. So his Dad high fives him and says alright a chip off the old block.

 

The next day when he gets home he hears is son upstairs again and inquires. What did you get laid again. His son says no, he!! no my a$$ still hurts from yesterday.

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1415401464[/url]' post='1587834']

This one always seems to get deleted.

 

 

A man comes home and hears his son upstairs acting crazy, so he goes up to see whats going on. His son say Dad I got laid for the first time. So his Dad high fives him and says alright a chip off the old block.

 

The next day when he gets home he hears is son upstairs again and inquires. What did you get laid again. His son says no, he!! no my a$ still hurts from yesterday.

 

Reminds me of the story about the guy who goes into a bar, orders one shot of whiskey and five beers. Bartender asks him what he's celibrating. Guy says, "I got my first B.J. today!" Bartender says, "Congratulations! Let me buy you a shot too!" Guy says, "No thanks, if this don't kill the taste, nothing will!

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Curious when she found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, Amanda had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were pictures of her, both younger and slimmer, taken on one of her first dates with her husband.

 

When she showed him the photos, his face lit up.

"Wow, look at that!" he said. "It's my old Plymouth!"

 

Now that's funny!!!(lol) :lol:

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