Murph Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 An absentminded professor, a bald man, and a barber are traveling. At sunset, they camp for the night and agree to take four hour shifts guarding the baggage. When it's the barber's turn, he becomes really bored. To pass the time, he shaves the professor's head as he sleeps. Then, he wakes the professor for his guard shift. Upon waking, the professor feels the top of his head and says to the barber "you idiot - you woke the wrong guy!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onewilyfool Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 John Kerry walks into a bar….the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bar tender?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 Exercise for old people...... Begin with a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand . (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 Guy walks into a dentist's office. Says "Doc, I think I'm a moth!" Dentist says "Well you need a psychiatrist, not a dentist....why'd you come in here?" Guy says "Your light was on." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JOESTONE Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 The bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here. A man walks into a bar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorrisrownSal Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 courtesy of my youngest... ya hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked out his problems with a number 2 pencil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onewilyfool Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 courtesy of my youngest... ya hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked out his problems with a number 2 pencil Reminds me of my high school girlfriend, she had chronic diarrhea, her name was Florence, but I called her "Flo" for short…. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanvillRob Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 An Italian, a Jew and a Greek were walking down the street....get killed by a falling piano. The go to heaven, St. Peter tells the they weren't slated to die yet. Sent them back to earth,But told them that they MUST give up the one thing they enjoy the most. If they falter, they wouldBe instantly recalled!POOF! They were walking down the same street as before!The Italian sees a pizza place, and couldn't help himself.....bought a slice. As soon as he took a bitePOOF! He was gone!After a minute, the Jew sees a quarter on the sidewalk....he can't help himself, he bends over to pick it Up and POOF! The Greek was gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fullmental Alpinist Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Who is Irish and only comes out in the summer? Patio furniture. FMA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DRC Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Who is Irish and only comes out in the summer? Patio furniture. FMA Uhh....that's Paddy O'Furniture I'm Irish... DC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BluesKing777 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I don't know how that got there! https://www.thedodo.com/11-dogs-who-have-no-idea-where-639775634.html?utm_source=zergnet.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=zergnet_272157 BluesKing777 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElChris Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 How many psychologists does it take to switch out a light bulb? - One, but the light bulb has got to want to change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rustystrings Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 How many psychologists does it take to switch out a light bulb? - One, but the light bulb has got to want to change. Alternate answer - "Why are you asking this question?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElChris Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Alternate answer - "Why are you asking this question?" And how does it make you feel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig910 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 What do you call a sleep-walking nun? A roamin' Catholic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guitarjtb Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 A gorilla escaped from the zoo, and climbed up on top of a lady's house. She called animal control to send someone out to get him down. Pretty soon 2 guys showed up in a van. The guy in charge, unloaded his equipment, a ladder, a bull whip, a revolver, a cage and the meanest looking bulldog you can imagine. He explained to his helper; You stay down here with the dog and the revolver. I'm going to climb the ladder to get on the house, then I'll use the bull whip to run the gorilla down the ladder, the bulldog is trained to grab the gorilla in the groin, which will disable the gorilla, and we can put him in the cage. The helper then asked, what is the revolver for? Well, if the gorilla takes the whip away from me, and runs me down the ladder, you shoot the bulldog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guitarjtb Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 An absent minded guy walked into a bar,,,,I can't remember the rest of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig910 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hogeye Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 A Chinese guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks," where did you get that"? The parrot says China there's a couple billion of them over there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneS Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head, the bartender asks, "Wow- where did that come from?" The toad says, "Well, it started out as a pimple on my a**..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbiii Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I am a bald Professor. I don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
retrorod Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head, the bartender asks, "Wow- where did that come from?" The toad says, "Well, it started out as a pimple on my a**..." Auuugh Yes, Anne! I like your sense of humor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mooseguy Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 a guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender leans across the bar and says to the customer "would you mind if I told you something personal about yourself" the customer answers "No, what is it you wish to tell me" The bartender says "you smell terrible" The customer answers "It's due to my job" "What is your job?" asks the bartender-the customer replies "I work for a circus and give enemas to elephants" whereupon the bartender asks "why don't you quit that terrible job?" whereupon the customer replies "what and give up show business" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMELEYE Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer that the men who mention it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.