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The Wrong Guy.....


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An absentminded professor, a bald man, and a barber are traveling. At sunset, they camp for the night and agree to take four hour shifts guarding the baggage. When it's the barber's turn, he becomes really bored. To pass the time, he shaves the professor's head as he sleeps. Then, he wakes the professor for his guard shift. Upon waking, the professor feels the top of his head and says to the barber "you idiot - you woke the wrong guy!"

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Exercise for old people......

 

Begin with a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand . (I'm at this level.)

 

 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag ;)

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An Italian, a Jew and a Greek were walking down the street....get killed by a falling piano. The go to heaven, St. Peter tells the they weren't slated to die yet. Sent them back to earth,But told them that they MUST give up the one thing they enjoy the most. If they falter, they wouldBe instantly recalled!POOF! They were walking down the same street as before!The Italian sees a pizza place, and couldn't help himself.....bought a slice. As soon as he took a bitePOOF! He was gone!After a minute, the Jew sees a quarter on the sidewalk....he can't help himself, he bends over to pick it Up and POOF! The Greek was gone.

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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

 

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

 

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

 

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

 

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

 

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

 

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

 

"Now. Tell him you have a headache..."

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A gorilla escaped from the zoo, and climbed up on top of a lady's house. She called animal control to send someone out to get him down. Pretty soon 2 guys showed up in a van. The guy in charge, unloaded his equipment, a ladder, a bull whip, a revolver, a cage and the meanest looking bulldog you can imagine. He explained to his helper; You stay down here with the dog and the revolver. I'm going to climb the ladder to get on the house, then I'll use the bull whip to run the gorilla down the ladder, the bulldog is trained to grab the gorilla in the groin, which will disable the gorilla, and we can put him in the cage. The helper then asked, what is the revolver for? Well, if the gorilla takes the whip away from me, and runs me down the ladder, you shoot the bulldog.

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a guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender leans across the bar and says to the customer

"would you mind if I told you something personal about yourself" the customer answers "No, what is it you wish to tell me" The bartender says "you smell terrible" The customer answers "It's due to my job" "What is your job?" asks the bartender-the customer replies "I work for a circus and give enemas to elephants" whereupon the bartender asks "why don't you quit that terrible job?" whereupon the customer replies "what and give up show business"

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