The Wrong Guy.....

[fortyearspickn]

a guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender leans across the bar and says to the customer

"would you mind if I told you something personal about yourself" the customer answers "No, what is it you wish to tell me" The bartender says "you smell terrible" The customer answers "It's due to my job" "What is your job?" asks the bartender-the customer replies "I work for a circus and give enemas to elephants" whereupon the bartender asks "why don't you quit that terrible job?" whereupon the customer replies "what and give up show business"

 

Joke works equally well if you substitute "elephant enema technician' with 'White House Press Secretary".

[Murph]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

 

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

 

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

 

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

 

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

 

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[L8_4thesh0w]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.

 

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

 

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."