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Friday Funnies.....


Murph
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A COWBOY’s TOMBSTONE:

 

 

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.

 

 

He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

 

 

 

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

 

 

 

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

 

 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

 

 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

 

 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

 

 

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until Friday rolls around. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

 

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

 

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

 

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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A catholic priest used to sneak out every Sunday morning before Mass to play golf. One day St. Peter couldn't stand it anymore and asked God, "Aren't you going to punish him?" That Sunday the priest got one hole-in-one after another ... 18 holes in one! St. Peter was incensed ... "You call that punishment?" God replied,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Who can he tell?

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Best told aloud, but here goes:

 

Back in old Arizona, in the early 1800s, there was a nameless town on the Mexico border. One day, a band of outlaws rode into town and walked into the saloon and the main outlaw said to the innkeeper, "Mister, what's the name of this here town?"

 

The innkeeper said, "Well, we don't rightly have us a name, sir."

 

The outlaw stroked his mustache and said, "Tell you what we're gonna do: we're gonna go out and hide behind that big rock on the edge of town, and we're gonna wait for the next cowpoke that comes along, and we're gonna jump out and bushwhack him! And his dying words are gonna be the name of this here town."

 

Well, the innkeeper said that sounded like a pretty good idea to him, so the outlaws headed out to the edge of town, hid behind the big rock, and waited. Sure enough, before long a lone cowboy came riding along, and the outlaws jumped up from behind the rock, guns blazing, filled the unfortunate fellow full of lead, and he dropped off his horse and collapsed onto the dusty ground.

 

The outlaws walked out into the road and stood around the fallen cowboy, looking in to his dying eyes. And he looked back at them as his lights flickered out, and with his dying breath, he cursed:

 

"You muh..."

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Old farmer is walking the farm checking out his fence rows. He came upon a frog, the frog says to the the old man "kiss me and i will turn into a beautiful princes. The farmer picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

Moments later the frog is still talking, farmer reaches in his pocket, pulls out the frog. The frog says " you don't understand, kiss me and i will turn into a beautiful princes. The farmer looks at the frog and says "YOU don't understand. At my age I can have FAR more fun with a talking frog"

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So a duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "do you have any grapes?"

 

Bartender says "No, this is a bar -- we don't have any grapes. Now get out of here!"

 

Next day the duck comes back and says to the bartender "do you have any grapes?"

 

Bartender says "NO, WE DON"T HAVE ANY GRAPES. Now like I already told you kid, get out of here and don't come back!!!!"

 

Next day the same duck comes back and says to the bartender "do you have any grapes?"

 

The bartender is really upset, so now he says to the duck "GET OUT AND IF YOU COME BACK AND ASK THAT AGAIN, I AM GOING TO NAIL YOUR BILL TO THE BAR!"

 

Next day the same duck comes back and says to the bartender "do you have any nails?"

 

The bartender says "NO, WE DON"T HAVE ANY NAILS. This is a bar and not a hardware store!!"

 

So then the duck says "do you have any grapes?"

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A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live. "Is there anything I can do?" she asks. "Yes, you can marry an accountant." says her doctor. "How will that help my illness?" she asks. "Oh it won't help your illness," says the doc "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"

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How I learned to mind my own business

 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting"13...13...13"

 

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

 

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick,

 

then they all started shouting...."14...14...14"

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A robber breaks into a house and as he turns on his flashlight he hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you". He stands still a while and hears nothing more. Then a voice says "Jesus is still watching you". He shone his flashlight around the room and came upon a parrot. The voice said again "Jesus is watching you". He asked the parrot "did you say that" - "yes" said the parrot. "what's your name" asks the burglar, feeling a little calmer. "Moses" replied the parrot. "Moses? that's a strange name for a parrot". "who would call a parrot Moses?" The parrot replies "The same people who would call a rottweiler Jesus"

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