Honesty.......

[Murph]

Honesty

 

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

[Murph]

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

 

'Big breaths,’ I instructed.

 

'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.

[Murph]

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. ... Why do elephants have flat feet?

 

 

To put out flaming ducks.

[Murph]

Two Jihadi mothers are sitting in a cafe, chatting over a plate of tabbouleh and a warm pint of goat's milk.

One pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos.

''This is my oldest son, Mujib. He would have been 24 years old now.’'

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now, with his 72 virgins" the mother confides.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.’'

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.’'

''He's a martyr too...'' says his mother.

"Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18''.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school…''

‘'He is also a martyr’', says the mother.

 

 

 

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Pesh]

I laughed waaaaay too much at these. And now everyone in my boring meeting is wondering what's so funny...!

[Jim Wilson]

Arthur Charles goes down to the front of the church and asks the televangelist to pray for his hearing.

The faith healer grabs him by both ears and starts screaming, shouting, and praying.

The congregation is on its feet, screaming, shouting, and praying.

After about 15 minutes of this the televangelist asks Arthur Charles how his hearing is.

"I don't know," says Arthur Charles. "It ain't 'til Friday, down at the courthouse."

[Doug the Old Geezer]

Uffda. What do you call a pile of dirt that lays next to a hole? Doug