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Aster1

Joke of the day maybe

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What is the difference between your wife, your girlfriend and a hooker.

 

The Hooker says "Are you through yet?"

 

Your girlfriend says "You're through already!?!?"

 

Your wife says "Beige we'll paint the ceiling beige"

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On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

 

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males , and the male dormitory to the females.

 

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

 

He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $80.

Are there any questions?"

 

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:

 

"How much for a season pass???”

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A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

 

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

 

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

 

 

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.'

 

 

'I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

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The English comedian Ronnie Corbett has just passed away. In memoriam, here are some of his jokes:

 

A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.

She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.

Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

 

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!".

And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.

 

We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.

 

We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

 

[laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

 

R.I.P. Ronnie, you made a lot of people very happy!

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A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the Happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled. "how many people here make love once a day?" Half the people raise their hands, and each of them grinning widely. "Once a week?" A third of the audience members raise their hands, but their grins a bit less vibrant. "Once a month?" A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, "Ok, how about once a year?" One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands smiling with a big grin. The therapist is shocked----this disproves his theory. "If you make love only once a year, he a asks, why are you so happy?" The man yells out, "Because Today's the Day!"

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Watching your wife giving birth is like watching your favorite restaurant burn down, you will never eat there again.

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Well I'm glad to see you're still setting the usual high standard..... [lol] [lol] [lol] !

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A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police arrive, they ask him what happened? The shaken turtle replies: "I don't know, It all happened so fast!"

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Here's one.

 

"I just ordered a Gibson 2016 Bass. I hope it comes in soon......................................................!"

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I just got this in my email the other day from Sears: Sorry, I couldn't copy the email with all the details in it properly.

 

04012016_CC_Newsletter_03_v2_zpsf795j7qj.jpg

04012016_CC_Newsletter_Hero1_zpss18nhpcc.jpg

04012016_CC_Newsletter_07_zpsafeujqxc.jpg

 

Thought I'd need one of these babies for my kitchen work. Here's the details link: Kitchen Chainsaw

 

Aster

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Do they anywhere show the mess caused by scattered offcut? :-k

 

No, they didn't, and that's one of the 1st things that crossed my mind too! But I DID receive this on April 1st. (USA that's April Fool's Day). Don't know about the rest of the world, but that does explain things here & why it's in the "Joke" page. [biggrin]

 

Aster

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My wife said to me this morning.

'My breasts are too small, what can I do about it'?

'Rub toilet paper between them' I replied

'How will that work'? she asked.

'It worked for your ***' I said.

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A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police arrive, they ask him what happened? The shaken turtle replies: "I don't know, It all happened so fast!"

Lol !

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