Murph Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive? A: The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says "Choo Choo Choo!" What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Rottweiler An Englishman, a Frenchman, a gorgeous blonde, and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French *** again.' Two drunks were walking upgrade between the railroad tracks. One of them said, "This is the longest stairway I have ever been on." To this, the other replied, "It's not the stairs that bother me, it's the low banister." Q: Why can't a steam locomotive sit down? A: Because it has a tender behind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doug the Old Geezer Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scriv58 Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Mahatma Gandhi walked everywhere he went, which made his bare feet tough. and he fasted a considerable amount of the time, which made him frail and caused bad breath. The result? (drum roll) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis (with sincere apologies to mary poppins) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pesh Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Absolutely stealing that Gandhi one. On another note; I tried water polo yesterday, but my horse drowned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cougar Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis A guy goes in to his doctor, explains every time he farts, it goes "HONDA." What the heck? The doc says he's going to refer him to a dentist. "What? Well, OK." He goes to the dentist, explains the problem. The dentist says, "Oh, you must have an absess." "What does that have to do with my problem??" The dentist explains "Absess makes the fart go honda." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksdaddy Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 I was going to tell a joke about a broken pencil but it's pointless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hall Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 A guy goes in to his doctor, explains every time he farts, it goes "HONDA." What the heck? The doc says he's going to refer him to a dentist. "What? Well, OK." He goes to the dentist, explains the problem. The dentist says, "Oh, you must have an absess." "What does that have to do with my problem??" The dentist explains "Absess makes the fart go honda." Enjoyed that one extra! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorrisrownSal Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 One day I overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, and what's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied. "John, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive...I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." After a few restorative Scotches and waters, I thanked Elizabeth: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Probably still under the cart," I replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fullmental Alpinist Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 Murph, you're just enabling them..... Great crop today, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pesh Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scriv58 Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 Good ole boy was having a tooth pulled, and refused any anesthetic. The dentist, being a curious sort, asked him why not. The fellow replied that he had experienced two really terrible pains in his life, and tooth pulling was just a silly nothing. "So what was the first pain?" inquired the dentist. "Well", explained the patient, "i was walking through the woods when i suddenly, desperately needed to cop a squat. When i squatted, i caught my family jewels in a bear trap!" The dentist scrunched his legs together in sympathy, then asked, "and the second pain?" The old fellow replied, "the second pain was when i jumped up to run, all of the slack ran out of the trap chain!" ooofa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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