Jump to content
Gibson Brands Forums

The Ventriloquist...


Recommended Posts

The Ventriloquist


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in Peterborough, Ontario.


With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,


"I’ve heard enough of your stupid arse blonde jokes! What makes

you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a

person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like

you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the

community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and

your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,

but women in general and all in the name of humor!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,


"You stay out of this, mister! I''m talking to that little meathead on your knee!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and

turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and

the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual asks the waitress?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato

and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"

"That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,

the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Link to comment
Share on other sites


A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.


A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.


The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."


The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."


The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt, he'll pass a Harley Davidson

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yogi Berra Quotes..........


Quotes 1-5

1. “It’s like deja vu all over again.”

2. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”

3. “You can observe a lot just by watching.”

4. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”

5. “He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”


Quotes 6-10

6. “If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.”

7. “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up some place else.”

8. Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: “I really didn’t say everything I said.”

9. “The future ain’t what it use to be.”

10. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”


Quotes 11-15

11. On why he no longer went to Ruggeri’s, a St. Louis restaurant: “Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.”

12. “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”

13. “We have deep depth.”

14. “All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”

15. When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes: “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”


Quotes 16-20

16. “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

17. “Never answer anonymous letters.”

18. On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: “Thank you for making this day necessary.”

19. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”

20. “Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”


Quotes 21-25

21. As a general comment on baseball: “90% of the game is half mental.”

22. “I don’t know (if they were men or women running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”

23. “It gets late early out there.”

24. “Yogi, you are from St. Louis , we live in New Jersey , and you played ball in New York . If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” -Carmen Berra, Yogi’s wife. “Surprise me.” – Yogi

25. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...