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Tim Plains

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Feel free to add your jokes to this thread but no racist or homosexual jokes, please.

 

An Australian, an Irishman & a Newfie are all standing around.

 

Australian: "Back in Australia there's a bar that will buy you a beer for every five beers ya buy."

 

Irishman: "That's nothin'! Back in Ireland there's a bar that will buy you a beer for every four beers ya buy and the bartender will walk you home if you get too drunk."

 

Newfie: "Back in Newfoundland, there's a bar where the bartender will buy you every second beer, then take you upstairs and make sure you get laid."

 

Irishman: "Well, what are we waitin' for...let's go to this bar!"

 

Newfie: "Oh, I've never been...but my sister talks about it all the time."

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...actually anything can be taken as racist... if you make a joke and say one of the guys is (say) latino, then everyone will jump and say you made fun of latinos... if you tell the joke and avoid using latinos, then everybody will jump and ask why the heck you didnt include them... "are they not good enough for you?"

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This is not me - I would NEVER go to A&M (or any Texas state run school)

 

 

 

As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team.

 

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

 

"How old are you?" I typed.

 

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

 

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."

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A little girl asked her mother: “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered: “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

 

 

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.” The confused girl returns to her mother and says: “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.”

 

 

The mother answers: “Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side!”

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This is not me - I would NEVER go to A&M (or any Texas state run school)

 

 

 

As a professor at Texas A & M' date=' I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team.

 

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

 

"How old are you?" I typed.

 

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

 

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."

[/quote']

LOL =D> =D> =D>

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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when

his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she

could see from the bedroom window.

 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that

there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he

said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should

simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

 

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police

again.

 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were

people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've

just shot them all." Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and

an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars

red-handed.

 

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd

shot them!"

 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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The other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

 

I went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?”

 

The cop ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

 

So, I called the cop a “stupid idiot.”

 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

 

So I called him a “muzzhead.”

 

So, he started writing a third ticket.

 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

 

But personally, I didn't care.

 

You see, I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting all the tickets on had a bumper sticker that read: “Hillary in '08.”

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The other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes' date=' and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

 

I went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?”

 

The cop ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

 

So, I called the cop a “stupid idiot.”

 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

 

So I called him a “muzzhead.”

 

So, he started writing a third ticket.

 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

 

But personally, I didn't care.

 

You see, I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting all the tickets on had a bumper sticker that read: “Hillary in '08.”

 

[/quote']

 

=D>

 

Murph.

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