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A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,



"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"



The drunk looks back and says,

"Yes, preacher, I sure am."



The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.


"Have you found Jesus?"

the preacher asks.


"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,


"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."


The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,


"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,


"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Two guys are working at a saw mill. One is looking through a scrap bin. The other comes up and asks, "What are you looking for?" the other replies, "I'm looking for my ear" The second guy picks up an ear and asks, "Is this it?" The second guy says "No, mine had a pencil behind it"

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A bunch of guys are out building a fence one day. One of the guys gets hit on the head with a nail, so he turns around to see where it came from. He watches as one of the guys takes a nail out, pounds it in to the fence, then takes another one out and throws it over his shoulder. After watching this strange behavior for several minutes, he finally decides to go see what's going on.


"Why are you throwing out every other nail?" he asks.


"Well, because the head is on the wrong side of the nail!" the other guy explains....






"Well ****! Don't throw those away! We can use them on the other side of the fence!" he responds.

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why do women not own wrist watches

there is a clock on the oven



why do women have smaller feet then men

so they can stand closer to the dishwasher




post em if you got em






If a man runs over a woman, whos fault is it?








The man's, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen

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An inventor was always working on get rich quick ideas and finally came up with a winner...


He calls his buddy and tells him he has finally done it and will be very rich in a short period of time but he wants his buddies opinion before he brings his idea to market.


His friend comes over and asks, ok what you got this time. The inventor hands him an apple with a huge grin on his face...


An apple?? Your gonna get rich from an apple?


The inventor explains that its not just any old apple, each of his apples has two flavors... He invites his friend to take a bite. He took a big bite and his face lit up as he exclaimed he couldn't believe it. The apple tasted like a strawberry! The inventor says thats just the half of it, turn it over. The friend turns the apple over and takes another huge bite. His face lights up again and says, man you have really done it...!! The other side tastes exactly like a mango. The friend exclaims you are really going to become rich with this invention.


The inventor is very content but tells his friend the next apple is the one that will really make him rich and famous.... The inventor explains that the next apple tastes just like a women's virgina. The friend begs the inventor to let him try the apple and grabs it out of his hand and takes a huge bite.... Suddenly his friends face turned to a look of horror and he started chocking and gasping for air. He threw the apple down and screamed at the inventor and said " That tastes like SH*T" !!!!



The inventor started laughing uncontrollably and said no, you have to turn it over...

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Not really a joke, but my 75 year old mom sent this to me and I got a laugh out of it...


Are you a Democrat, Republican or a Texan?


Here's a little test that will help you decide:


Your walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,

screams obscenities, praises allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock .40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he

reaches you and your family.



What do you do?




Democrat's answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question.

Does the man look poor? or Oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him to make him angry or to inspire an attack?

Can we run away?

What about the kids?

What does the law say about this situation?

Why am I carrying this gun anyway? and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or just to wound me?

Should we call 911 and wait for the Police?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this street a happier, healthier street to discourage

such behavior.



Republican's answer:





Texan's answer:



sound of reloading




Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy! Were those Winchester silver tips or Federal hydra-shocks?

Son: "Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist!"

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