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Murph

The Sunday Funnies...

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A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in......
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

Edited by Murph
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Working at the unemployment office would be a tough job.

You'd know, even if you got fired, you'd still have to come back in...

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What did socialist use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity....

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

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If all of the bathrooms in your house are full, and you really need one.

Switch off the wi-fi...

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My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.....

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An RVer in a motorhome got hopelessly bogged down in an unexpected muddy hole along a dirt road. After a few minutes, a passing farmer drove by on his tractor and offered to pull him out for a mere $20.

After the motorhome was back on dry ground, the RVer said to the farmer, “At only $20, I bet you’re pulling vehicles out of this mud day and night.”

“Can’t,” replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”

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So I went to the doctor and explained to him that I broke my leg in two places.
Then I asked him, "What do you think I should do?"
He tells me, "Don't go to those places anymore."

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound. But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk...……..

Edited by Murph
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3 hours ago, Murph said:

If all of the bathrooms in your house are full, and you really need one.

Switch off the wi-fi...

 

Ha ha!

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I bought a dog the other day.

I got him from a blacksmith.

Soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

 

 

I like the Amish one. [laugh]

 

 

Edited by jdgm
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Man #1; I had to shoot my dog...

Man #2; Why, was he mad?

Man #1; Well, he weren't damn pleased!

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The Dallas Cowboys. 

Henny Youngman would be be pleased with my one liner. That's all you need to say, no set up. It says it all.

Edited by Sgt. Pepper

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