Retired Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 A Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a ..........................................pint of beer please." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The Bear replies, "Well, I've always had 'em!" 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 A travelling salesman's car broke down on a country road. Needing a place to crash for the night, he walked down the road until he spotted a farmhouse. Knocking on the door, a farmer answered and the salesman said,"My car broke down about a mile down the road. And it's getting late, so could you put me up for the night?" The farmer told him, "Sure sonny, but I'm afraid you'll have to share the bed with my son." The salesman turned around, walked off the porch and said, "Sorry. But I'm in the wrong joke." Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 On 12/19/2021 at 3:50 PM, Whitefang said: All the toilets in a New York City police station have been stolen. There are no clues and the police have nothing to go on. Whitefang A large hole has appeared in the middle of Madison Avenue. The Police are looking into it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 A man walks into a bar and it's empty, it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink. He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. "Pssst...that color looks nice on you." He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but ...are you speaking to me?" The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that." "It's the peanuts....they're Complimentary." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 Another travelling salesman gag..... A travelling salesman gets lost in the country and stops at a farm to get directions. While talking to the farmer, the salesman sees, in the corner of his eye, a three legged pig hobbling around the farmyard. He asked the farmer about it. The farmer pointed to a pile of charred old rubble and said, " that old burned building used to be our farmhouse. One night when we were all asleep it caught fire. That pig saw it and busted into the house and squealed such a ruckus it woke us up in time to get out. The pig even ran back into the burning house to pull out our young son and the baby. He saved their lives. He saved ALL our lives!" The salesman remarked, "So, I guess that's how the pig lost that leg, right?" And the farmer replied..... "Mister, if you had a pig that brave, that loyal and devoted, could YOU eat him all at once?" Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500.00 dollars." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer." The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it coasts $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, To be honest, I have never seen it do anything: But the the other two call him BOSS!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IanHenry Posted December 23, 2021 Share Posted December 23, 2021 An old lady was in front of me at the checkout queue last night. She turned around and said " I'm sorry, but I've just, very very quietly, broken wind, what do you think I should do? I said "put a new battery in your hearing aid!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted December 30, 2021 Share Posted December 30, 2021 A Avon lady gets on the elevator alone and toots out a bad one. "Oh my!" She says and reaches in her bag for her best Pine Tree scent. Pst, Pst, Pst, Pst, she sprays in the air. "That's better" she says. About that time the elevator stops and a drunk gets on. He smells the air, Snif, Snif, Snif. "Whats that smell," he asks her. Proud of her Avon, she asks him, "Do you like it? "Nah," He tells her. "Smells like someone pooped a Christmas Tree!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted December 30, 2021 Share Posted December 30, 2021 I first heard that on a Gene Tracy cassette tape. Always cracked me up. My Mom liked it too, as she was once an Avon lady. Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 9 hours ago, Whitefang said: I first heard that on a Gene Tracy cassette tape. Always cracked me up. My Mom liked it too, as she was once an Avon lady. Whitefang Haha, I just happened to remember that one from when I was little. Of course pooped, I changed from what it actually said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 With the wide spread of Covid still going on, " How do you wash your hands over the Holiday's?" With Santa-tizer, of course! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 An old man enters a confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I'm 85 years old, and have been married to my wife for 62 years and never once, was unfaithful. But last night I had sex with a pair of 18 year old twin sisters." The priest mulls for a while, then finally says, "Well, I'm glad to know you feel resolute enough to confess and wish to atone. So, I guess at your age, you know how to make penance?? And the old man says, "I don't know anything about that. I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish." And the priest asked, "Well then, why do you come in here and tell me all of this?" And the old man says..... "Hey! I'm telling EVERYBODY!" Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve. It's December 31st! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted January 1, 2022 Share Posted January 1, 2022 Reintarnation- Dying and coming back as a Jed Clampett. 😔 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted January 3, 2022 Share Posted January 3, 2022 What do “pro-vaxxers” and “anti-vaxxers” have in common? None of them will ever be fully vaccinated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 Just to elaborate, I'm Polish, so please, no self righteous PC blowback...... What do hockey players and Polish women have in common? The both wear the same pads for three periods! Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 Which farm animal always knows the time? The Watch Dog. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 Yep. We need a "groan" emoticon. Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IanHenry Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 I had a Christmas card from my Irish cousin who lives in the U.S, he told me how he's been sacked from his job as an electrician with the Texas Prison Service as he refused to repair an electric chair. He said in his opinion it was a death trap! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brucebubs Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 1 hour ago, Brucebubs said: Do you think that would actually work? Lol I admit that I snuck in a couple. Secret is, I put them in a case for a month or 2. Then took it out & put it on the guitar for a couple of days and back in the case. After getting used to it out and gone, she never even noticed Lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 What did Adam say to Eve on December 31? "It's New Year's, Eve! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 While traveling with his apostles, Jesus came upon a small shop in a village and thought to go in and ask for some water and directions. He entered the shop without closing the door behind Him. The proprietor pointed at the open door and angrily asked Jesus; "Hey buddy! Were You born in a BARN?" Whitefang 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimmiJAMM Posted January 8, 2022 Share Posted January 8, 2022 Did you hear the one about the runway model who was run over by a plane?😂 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 8, 2022 Share Posted January 8, 2022 A dumb hick kid went to try out for his school's football team. The coach handed him a football and asked, "Son, do you think you can pass this?" The kid looked shocked and said, "Heck. I don't think I can even SWALLER it!" Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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