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An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but found it difficult work since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison for Mafia activities. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

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On 9/26/2020 at 12:46 AM, ghost_of_fl said:

Ok ... creepy is good too.   😐

COVID-19 won't last long because it was made in China.  😄

 

It took a while to spread but....

China got it right off the bat.

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The five secrets to happiness (for guys) 

1.  Find a woman who can make you laugh

2.  Find a woman who can cook

3.  Find a woman who really listens to you

4.  Find a woman who is amazing in bed

5.  Make sure that these 4 women do not find out about each other

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It's supposed to be stupid jokes,  The dumbest joke I ever heard was this.   "Want to hear a dirty joke?"  "A kid fell in the mud." 

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On 10/8/2020 at 9:16 PM, ghost_of_fl said:

The five secrets to happiness (for guys) 

1.  Find a woman who can make you laugh

2.  Find a woman who can cook

3.  Find a woman who really listens to you

4.  Find a woman who is amazing in bed

5.  Make sure that these 4 women do not find out about each other

I dated 3 girls at once, None knew I dated the other two. I ended up marrying one and on our honeymoon, she asked; "Why did I get just 6 roses?"  I told her because I gave the other 6 to the other gal.   "That was before I decided I liked you best!"    All was well.  Lol 

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4 minutes ago, ghost_of_fl said:

I feel bad for the girl who got no roses. 😃

Tell her about the 5 year old guitar that was unstrung for ten years. 

That'll give her some perspective. 

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So the Pope, President Trump, Nancy Pelosi, the Dr. that is developing the Covid 19 virus vaccine and a 10 year old girl are on a plane.  The plane is going down, and there are only 4 parachutes available.  The Pope steps up and says "I am so close to achieving world peace that I have to live", grabs a chute and jumps out the door.  Next the doctor jumps up and says "I'm so close to finding the vaccine I have to live" he grabs a chute and jumps.  Next Nancy steps up and says "I am the smartest person in the world, I have to live" she grabs a bag and out she goes.

Trump looks down at the little girl and says "Honey, I've lived a full life.  I accomplished all I wanted in the business world, I married a beautiful woman, and was elected President of the United States.  You have most of your life in front of you so you take the last parachute"

The little girl looks up at him and says "Don't worry Mr. Trump, the smartest woman in the world just jumped out of the plane with my school backpack on".

 

OK no political intent here - the liberals can tell the same joke and just substitute some different names.

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On 10/16/2020 at 1:20 PM, ghost_of_fl said:

I feel bad for the girl who got no roses. 😃

Each of the three should have gotten  "Four Roses".    A bottle of blended bourbon would have kept all 3 happy.  

 

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Two women are talking over lunch at an expensive restaurant.

First woman:  You know, I made my second husband a millionaire.

Second woman:  Oh, really?  What was he before?

First woman:  A billionaire.

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Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live.

As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two.

Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.

At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into.

As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?"

Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind"

Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.

That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.

After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.

Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.

Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.

On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.

Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.

The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.

Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!"

Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday"

Jack: "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!"

Satan: "Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry that's not for you, that's the Christian hell"

Jack: "The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?"

Satan: "I don't know either man, they just want it that way"
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On 10/8/2020 at 10:16 PM, ghost_of_fl said:

The five secrets to happiness (for guys) 

1.  Find a woman who can make you laugh

2.  Find a woman who can cook

3.  Find a woman who really listens to you

4.  Find a woman who is amazing in bed

5.  Make sure that these 4 women do not find out about each other

My dream woman is a blind nymphomaniac who's dad owns a liquor store.

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