Stupid Jokes

[Retired]

On 4/9/2021 at 7:58 PM, gdecant1 said:

 Wife was upstairs working for a few hours when she yelled down, “ Honey, do you ever get a real bad stabbing pain in your back while just sitting there doing nothing like a voodoo doll?”  I yelled back “no honey”. 
  A few minutes later she yelled down “How about now”!!!!

Reminds me of a guy at work I worked with, Earnie. He kept telling me all the time he was going to make a voo do doll of me and stick pins in it.  So I found a Earnie doll and took it to work. At safety briefing on 2nd shift, he was smarting off again so I gave a long stick pin to a guy who sat next to him. I showed Earnie the Earnie doll and told him, One more time you say something to me, I'm sticking this doll with this pin.  To that, Earnie smarted off again so I told him, "THATS IT." And I stuck the doll in the butt,  The same time, This guy also stuck Earnie in the butt and he yelled Ouch! He quickly looked at everyone next to him, and they all looked innocent. This happened   3 times and Earnie yelled all 3 times with not seeing anyone stick him.  Haha, He actually believed that Earnie Doll was a curse and he stopped being so nasty. 

[Retired]

Elderly couple in church. 

Wife turns to husband and says, "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"   Husband says, 

"Put new batteries in your hearing aides!" 

[Whitefang]

11 hours ago, Retired said:

Reminds me of a guy at work I worked with, Earnie. He kept telling me all the time he was going to make a voo do doll of me and stick pins in it.  So I found a Earnie doll and took it to work. At safety briefing on 2nd shift, he was smarting off again so I gave a long stick pin to a guy who sat next to him. I showed Earnie the Earnie doll and told him, One more time you say something to me, I'm sticking this doll with this pin.  To that, Earnie smarted off again so I told him, "THATS IT." And I stuck the doll in the butt,  The same time, This guy also stuck Earnie in the butt and he yelled Ouch! He quickly looked at everyone next to him, and they all looked innocent. This happened   3 times and Earnie yelled all 3 times with not seeing anyone stick him.  Haha, He actually believed that Earnie Doll was a curse and he stopped being so nasty. 

Get me Earnie's phone number.  I know a guy wants to get rid of some swampland.   

A very pretty young lady walked up to a bank teller's window and placed a $50 bill on the counter and said, 

"I'd like to deposit this bill in my account,  please."   But the teller said,

"Ma'am, I can't deposit this bill.  It's counterfeit."   To which the young lady replied,

"Then call the police!  I've just been raped!!"  

Whitefang

[MissouriPicker]

Kilt!  What Paddy McDonald did to the guy that called it a skirt. 

[Rabs]

[Mr. Natural]

Ariana Grande!  What a great talent!  She killed it in London!

[Rabs]

[jdgm]

I've stolen this one off another guitar forum because I laughed out loud....many apologies to Mr Guitarsforyou on the Fretboard (UK) forum:

 

.....An old joke from many years ago - 

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.

Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.

Edited April 22, 2021 by jdgm

[Rabs]

[Retired]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head towards them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?"  "Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear!" 

"I don't need to outrun the bear,"  the first guy says,  "I just need to outrun You!" 

[Mr. Natural]

A bunch of guys are sitting at the bar bragging (exaggerating) about their "manhood".

Finally, one guy speaks up and says, "Well, mine not 12 inches long, but it does SMELL like a foot."

[Rabs]

Rock stars when they were young..   

Edited April 26, 2021 by Rabs

[merciful-evans]

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

[Sgt. Pepper]

On 4/21/2021 at 12:01 PM, Mr. Natural said:

Ariana Grande!  What a great talent!  She killed it in London!

It takes a huge degree of talent to grow a pony tail, look attractive, make horrible music and make money doing it.

Edited April 27, 2021 by Sgt. Pepper

[bluezguy]

Horse goes into the bar for a drink.  Bartender asks him -  "hey buddy, whats wit da long face"?

[Whitefang]

OK, will take a minute----

A little boy walks into the bathroom when his expectant Mother is drying off from a shower.  Pointing to the hairy area between her legs he asks, "What's that, Mommy?"    A bit embarrassed and not wanting to go into any awkward long explanations, she tells the boy, "Oh, that's Mommy's washcloth."    And the boy walks away apparently satisfied with the answer.

Well, a few weeks later, the Mother goes into labor, is rushed to the hospital and delivers a healthy baby girl.  And of course, her private area had to be shaved for the delivery.  A week after she gets home she takes a shower and again the little boy bursts in while she is drying off.  He points again to her private area saying, "Hey, Mommy.  Your washcloth is gone!"  Again not wanting to go into long explanations she merely says, "Yes, well, Mommy lost it somewhere."  And the little boy with a sly grin says, "I know where it is."

So the Mother, puzzled, asks, "And so, where is it?"    And the boy answers....

"The lady next door is washing Daddy's face with it!"  

Whitefang

[Retired]

On 4/25/2021 at 10:48 PM, Rabs said:

Rock stars when they were young..   

Interesting, I loved the last one Rabs, So Keith Richards always looked like that his entire life huh?  Reminds me at Burlington Northern in building 181,  A guy from Kansas was working there and I was asked, "How old do you think he is?"  I looked at him thinking I need to get as close as I can.  So I cut off a few years to give him a little credit and said.  "64, Looks like he will retire next year."  "Nope, he's 46."  Haha, I was shocked he was that young, Never would have guessed it? 

[Rabs]

 

[Mr. Natural]

4 hours ago, Rabs said:

 

IS NOTHING SACRED?!

[sparquelito]

I'm really excited for the next Autopsy Club meeting.

It's open Mike night!

😗

[Rabs]

[merciful-evans]

I was standing there wondering why the ball was getting bigger.

And then it hit me.

[Mr. Gibson]

I’m a farmer that’s outstanding in my field.

[Retired]

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? 

"In case they get a hole in one." 

[Retired]

Why do Seagulls fly over the ocean? "Because if they flew over the bay, 

We'd call them Bagels,"