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A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me

Here's one I made up last year.  It's bad.  😐 This Presbyterian Lutheran Jewish Amish Episcopalian Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints guy walks into a bar.  Bartender says, "Why the long faith?

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OK, here goes......

A young girl walks into a bank and drops a pillowcase full of nickels, dimes and quarters on the counter.  The shocked teller asks her, "Good heavens miss.  Did you hoard all this change?"   And the girl answered....

"Naw.  My sister whored half of it."    :rolleyes:

Whitefang

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Why did Miley Cyrus drink a bottle of ketchup on the tonight show with Jay Leno?   She wanted all of America to know that  white, southern, country music fans were as stupid and redneck and inbred as they’re rumored to be. 

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Historically, the royalty has a much longer history of inbreeding than any redneck you'd care to shake a stick at. 

Food for thought. 

Edited by Pinch
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During her annual checkup, a well-constructed young lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I can't just undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're ready."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

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Well this one really made Me laugh.

   "A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.  When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.  After a few moments of silence, he picked up a pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone."   "Hey Babe, I'm just changing clothes and then I will join you, he said. As for my wife, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and she left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier, See you soon, honey!"  Then he hung up and walked out the room. 

Heartbroken, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read: 

"I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread." 

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 Wife was upstairs working for a few hours when she yelled down, “ Honey, do you ever get a real bad stabbing pain in your back while just sitting there doing nothing like a voodoo doll?”  I yelled back “no honey”. 
  A few minutes later she yelled down “How about now”!!!!

Edited by gdecant1
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On 5/4/2020 at 4:35 PM, ghost_of_fl said:

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7, 8, 9

Going back over the pages I found the one up there.  It reminded me of an oldie from Jr. high------

Did you hear about Maytag?

Kelvinator.  :rolleyes:

And I'm not sure if I posted this one already, but----

OK, so a man walks into his son's room and says, "Son, if you keep m a s t u r b a t i n g you'll go blind!"

And the son said, "Yo!  DAD!  Over here!!"  

Whitefang

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On 4/9/2021 at 7:58 PM, gdecant1 said:

 Wife was upstairs working for a few hours when she yelled down, “ Honey, do you ever get a real bad stabbing pain in your back while just sitting there doing nothing like a voodoo doll?”  I yelled back “no honey”. 
  A few minutes later she yelled down “How about now”!!!!

Reminds me of a guy at work I worked with, Earnie. He kept telling me all the time he was going to make a voo do doll of me and stick pins in it.  So I found a Earnie doll and took it to work. At safety briefing on 2nd shift, he was smarting off again so I gave a long stick pin to a guy who sat next to him. I showed Earnie the Earnie doll and told him, One more time you say something to me, I'm sticking this doll with this pin.  To that, Earnie smarted off again so I told him, "THATS IT." And I stuck the doll in the butt,  The same time, This guy also stuck Earnie in the butt and he yelled Ouch! He quickly looked at everyone next to him, and they all looked innocent. This happened   3 times and Earnie yelled all 3 times with not seeing anyone stick him.  Haha, He actually believed that Earnie Doll was a curse and he stopped being so nasty. 

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Elderly couple in church. 

Wife turns to husband and says, "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"   Husband says, 

"Put new batteries in your hearing aides!" 

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11 hours ago, Retired said:

Reminds me of a guy at work I worked with, Earnie. He kept telling me all the time he was going to make a voo do doll of me and stick pins in it.  So I found a Earnie doll and took it to work. At safety briefing on 2nd shift, he was smarting off again so I gave a long stick pin to a guy who sat next to him. I showed Earnie the Earnie doll and told him, One more time you say something to me, I'm sticking this doll with this pin.  To that, Earnie smarted off again so I told him, "THATS IT." And I stuck the doll in the butt,  The same time, This guy also stuck Earnie in the butt and he yelled Ouch! He quickly looked at everyone next to him, and they all looked innocent. This happened   3 times and Earnie yelled all 3 times with not seeing anyone stick him.  Haha, He actually believed that Earnie Doll was a curse and he stopped being so nasty. 

Get me Earnie's phone number.  I know a guy wants to get rid of some swampland.   [wink]

A very pretty young lady walked up to a bank teller's window and placed a $50 bill on the counter and said, 

"I'd like to deposit this bill in my account,  please."   But the teller said,

"Ma'am, I can't deposit this bill.  It's counterfeit."   To which the young lady replied,

"Then call the police!  I've just been raped!!"  

Whitefang

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A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."

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