Stupid Jokes

[gearbasher]

What's the difference between an pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

 

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks: "Can I help you?"

The duck replies: "Can you get this guy off my @ss."

 

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry but we don't serve mushrooms here."

The mushroom says: "Why not? I'm a fungi."

[Whitefang]

A guy goes into a bar and when he gets his drink he notices, in the mirror, a creepy looking guy sitting at a corner table surrounded by five or six of the hottest looking babes he's ever seen.  He motions to the bartender and when the barkeep gets up to him the guy asks, "Man, that creepy looking mess must have a trainload of money, eh?"  and the bartender says, "Naw.  He just sweeps out the library.  Makes less than minimum wage."  

So the the guy asks, "So how DOES he get those righteous babes to hang all over him like that?  He must have some kind of come on or pick up line, eh?"

And the barkeep says, "I don't get it either.  All he does is come in, sits at that corner table with his drink just grinning and licking his eyebrows."

Whitefang

[merciful-evans]

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is just a pigeon

[Whitefang]

I hate jokes that are full of cliches.  I hate them with a passion and avoid them like a plague. 

Whitefang

[gearbasher]

From the animal kingdom.

What birds always stick together?

Vel--crows

 

What do you do if you're swallowed by a whale?

Run around and around until you get pooped out.

 

What came first: the chicken or the egg?

The rooster

 

I'll try to make this one as politically correct as possible:

A vision-impaired person walks into a Walmart with his service dog. He takes the dog by the leash  and begins to swing him around in circles over his head. A manager runs up to him and asks: "Sir, can I help you with something?" To which the man replies: "No thank you, I'm just looking around."

Edited May 22, 2022 by gearbasher

[Whitefang]

Like I mentioned (somewhere),  there's humor in that sort of thing.  And can be found anywhere...

One comic I heard mentioned being in a McDonald's and saw a sign over the counter that read:  "Ask about our BRAILLE MENU"  😲

( and I actually once saw a sign in a McDonald's like that!) He then wondered, "Who the **** is reading that sign?"  and did a bit about a seeing eye dog(in a scooby doo voice) saying, "Yup master, we can eat in here!"  

And how many of you ever noticed BRAILLE on the buttons of a DRIVE THRU ATM?     The bank I belong to still has it on their drive-thru ATM.

Whitefang

[gearbasher]

My brother (a retired police officer) said one of the department's pistol ranges had a Braille sign.

Edited May 22, 2022 by gearbasher

[jdgm]

I have an ear problem so I called the tinnitus helpline.

But it just keeps ringing.

Edited May 22, 2022 by jdgm

[gearbasher]

What type of bees produce milk?

 

Boo Bees

[Whitefang]

17 hours ago, ghost_of_fl said:

The blind person's caregiver who drove them there (so they don't have to read the entire menu for the blind person).     Got any hard ones? 

Well, I only knew two sightless persons in my life and neither had a "caregiver" outside of their seeing eye dogs.  And I don't think either of them knew how to read.    And  only one ever went to McDonald's, since one was a short hike from his house.  And since he already knew their menu( which was less involved back then) and always went to get the same thing, he had no use for a Braille menu. 

In fact, he got to where he really didn't need the dog and got along fine with just his white cane. And so then O wise one.....

What would the purpose be for Braille on the buttons of a DRIVE THRU ATM?  (and before you give the answer I suspect you will, my daughter told me her bank's drive-thru ATM doesn't have braille on it's buttons).

Whitefang

[MissouriPicker]

If your woman won’t talk to you for several days at a time, don’t let it bother you.   Remember, women like that are hard to find.

[Whitefang]

22 hours ago, ghost_of_fl said:

So the manufacturer doesn't need to produce 2 different ATMs, one with braille and one without.    I said a hard one. 

You must'e missed where I mentioned my daughter said her bank's Drive-Thru ATM doesn't have Braille buttons. 

And to think this all started with me posting a comment about a braille menu at McDonald's by a comic on a comedy tape.  So tell me, do you go to comedy clubs just to challenge the comics who are basically making fun of stuff for laughs?  Say, if you were at a George Carlin show, and heard him do THIS bit-----

Would you then jump up and tell him  "it's only a figure of speech!"?  

You must be that "life of the party" I've heard about.  And here's a hint....

When anyone asks you for the time, they don't CARE to hear about how the watch works.  

Whitefang

[merciful-evans]

Victor is sorry he didn't do yesterdays homework. He'll never do it again.

[Whitefang]

23 hours ago, ghost_of_fl said:

Wow you love to stick your head in the sand.  Are you saying that there is one company that makes all ATMs?   Have you ever heard of NCR Corporation?  How about Diebold Nixdorf?

That's pretty comical in itself - coming from the person who posted the thread about "Edible band names" and then proceeded to "correct" half of the people who posted responses. 

Oh, also:        🙄

1.  Did you see anywhere I made the claim that only ONE COMPANY makes ALL Automatic Teller Machines? That there are several companies that produce the machines is proof it's possible to acquire machines without braille on the buttons very easily.  And at probably no extra cost.  No doubt it's bean-counter laziness(or somebody's)  that causes it to happen. 

2.  Yes, the title of the thread IS "Edible band NAMES".  In case you failed to notice (which is likely) the ones I "corrected" either posted bands that didn't really fit the category or entered individual artists names(like Chuck Berry).   Or tried sophomoric "end runs"  with semantics involving slang terms most people either never heard of or never use. 

Whitefang

[jdgm]

Are you two telling a very long stupid joke? 

p.s.  I think it just says "Edible bands?" 

Edited May 25, 2022 by jdgm

[gearbasher]

This one is novel length.

So, a guy is looking to buy a motorcycle. He finds a used Harley on Craig's list and goes to check it out. The thing is 20 years old and has a ton of miles on it, but it's cosmetically pristine. He asks the owner if he had all the parts re-chromed and the owner said that all the chrome was original. After a bit of haggling the guy buys it for a decent price.  As he's leaving, he tells the former owner that he can't believe the chrome is original. The former owner swears it is and told him the secret to keeping the chrome pristine was to always carry a jar of Vaseline with you and when it looks like rain, just put a light coat of Vaseline on the chrome. And wipe it off after the rain.  He reached into his pocket and showed the buyer the jar he always had with him. In fact, he told the buyer he no longer needed it and gave him the jar.

Later that day, the guy is going to have dinner at his girlfriend's parent's house. This is the first time he is meeting them. He decides to pick up his girl with the Harley he just bought.  The day is a little overcast, so he parks the bike right in front of the house. This way he can check it from the window, should it start raining.

He walks up to the door with his girl and just when he is about to ring the bell, she stops him. She tells him: "We have a tradition in this house. Nobody talks during dinner. The first person that speaks has to wash the dishes." He says: "That's ok. I think it's a great idea." To which she replies: "You don't understand. You'll see. Don't talk during dinner."

Well, he rings the bell and the mother answers the door and invites them in. The house is full of dirty dishes. The foyer is stacked floor to ceiling with dirty dishes. The living room has them balanced on the sofa and tv. They are stacked in every corner of the dining room. Dirty dishes are everywhere.

They sit down for dinner and the mother serves the soup. They are all eating and no one is saying anything. After the soup the mother clears the plates and just stacks then on the floor next to the father. She then serves the salad. The guy gets an idea. He grabs his girlfriend and throws her on the table and has his way with her, right in front of her parents. The mother and father do not say a word. The mother then clears the plates and stacks them on another pile. She has to steady them, just to keep them from falling. She then serves the main course. The guy gets another idea. His girl's mom is older, but still good looking. So, he grabs her, throws her on the table and does her right in front on his girl and the father. Nobody utters a sound. The mom gets up, clears the plates and stacks them in the living room.  She then serves dessert. As they are eating dessert, the guy looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain. He thinks of the chrome on the bike. He stands up, reaches into his pocket and pulls out the jar of Vaseline. The father gets one look at this and says: "I got the dishes!"

Edited May 31, 2022 by gearbasher

[merciful-evans]

The Karma restaurant doesn't do Starters of Mains. Just Deserts. 

[duane v]

What names did the Mexican Fireman give to his two sons????????

 

 

 

HoseA and HoseB

 

 

 

 

[gearbasher]

What's Irish and stays by the pool?

 

 

Paddy O'Furniture

Edited June 9, 2022 by gearbasher

[gearbasher]

What does a woman gain by getting married?

 

 

A ring and 40 pounds.

[gearbasher]

Two fleas decided to go on vacation. They hopped on a plane from NY to Miami. When they met in the terminal, one flea was calm and chilled out . The other was stressed out and disheveled.

The calm flea asked his friend: "What did you do when you boarded the plane?

The friend replied: "I jumped on the pilot's mustache."

The calm flea said: "That's why look like that. What you have to do is find a nice stewardess and hop in her bush. It's so relaxing."

The friend said: "I'll remember that for the trip home."

After three weeks in Miami, they hopped a plane back to NY. When they met in the terminal, the same flea was all disheveled and stressed out again.

So the calm flea asked: "Why didn't you take my advice?"

His friend replied: "I did. I found the prettiest stewardess and jumped in her bush. It was so warm and cozy, I fell asleep before the plane left the terminal. But, when I woke up, I was back on the pilot's mustache."

Edited June 11, 2022 by gearbasher

[Whitefang]

I just hope this works right....

https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/zits/s-2687432

Whitefang

[gdecantoo]

Just found out there is no popcorn in popcorn shrimp.

No reason to try pot roast now I guess.

[Whitefang]

On 5/25/2022 at 12:15 PM, ghost_of_fl said:

The point you're missing is perhaps the ATM your daughter saw was not made by the same company that made the one with braille.   

Here's another thought about that drive-thru ATM: Visually impaired people can obviously use ATMs right?  Otherwise they would never have braille buttons.   And some cars have back windows.  I'm going out on a limb here, but perhaps they decided to use an ATM with braille buttons at the drive-thru in case a back seat passenger needs to use them?  

Didn't you just recently criticize a forum user as not using "critical thinking"?   Maybe you should turn that high powered microscope around.             

Dragging this one up....

Obviously what YOU'RE missing is that since the ATM at my daughter's bank has no Braille on the buttons is that it's certainly possible to obtain such a machine.  And probably at no higher cost.  

And since the mid '80's most automobiles have been designed and built with rear passenger windows that do not FULLY go down, reaching out to use a drive-thru ATM would be difficult at best,  and likely that person would be driven there by someone they know and trust so it would be likely and more sensible to have the driver do the transaction for the vision impaired passenger.   I've done so for my 85 year old Father in law shortly after his cataract surgery.  And too....

Most banks have ATMs located just inside the door or inside the vestibule( if it has one)  or just in a small nook next to the entry door.  Many sight impaired people,   obdurate in the desire to remain independent, might request to be dropped off within a short hop from those machines to do their own transactions.  And of course the Braille on the buttons there would make more sense.  Those blind persons I know would actually prefer that.  And it's likely most "vision challenged"(for the PC crowd)  would too instead of being treated like helpless burdens. 

Whitefang

[Whitefang]

On 6/17/2022 at 4:58 PM, gdecant1 said:

Just found out there is no popcorn in popcorn shrimp.

No reason to try pot roast now I guess.

No pop in popcorn either.  And forget that pot roast.  BIG disappointment!   

Just like when I bought a can of Bud and found out it was only filled with beer.  

Whitefang