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Stupid Jokes


Mr. Gibson
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A very pretty and well endowed girl gets a job at a hardware store.  Claiming she knows nothing about hardware, the store's manager assures her most employees don't at first, but learn as they go along.  So she moves down the counter, waiting to help her first customer.  A short time later, a man walks up to the counter and asks her to give him a bastard. 

Taking it wrong, she was about to smack him with a nearby hammer when the manager runs up and asked what the matter was.   Upon hearing everything, the manager mildly explains the man didn't mean anything forward but was asking for a small file, which is known as a bastard.  After apologizing to the man, and him too, he leaves with his purchase and the girl ,thankful for the new gained knowledge, waits for another customer.

The next man at the counter asked her to show him a file so he can maybe buy one.  So, filled with confidence with her new gained knowledge, she takes one from the shelf and asked, " Would you like this little bastard?"  And the man replied.....

"Nah, I'm gonna need a BIG motherf**ker!"  

Whitefang

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I go to the store and buy a lb. of ham wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic bag, a gallon of milk in a plastic jug, a salad in a plastic container and ketchup in a plastic bottle, but I can't get a plastic bag to carry it home in because plastic is bad for the environment.  🙄

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Tony Blair started jogging out of Downing Street. On each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.

"No, 50p!" fired back Blair.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"

And he'd yell back "50p!"

One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Tony realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realised he should have a darn good explanation for his illustrious lawyer wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became more apprehensive.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See what you get for 50p?"

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1.  GHOST'S post reminded me of an old CATHY comic strip----  She returned home from the store and went through a quick inventory of her purchases...

"Let's see...I spent $1.95 for plastic waste paper can liners...$2.50 for tall kitchen garbage bags,  $3.95 for 30 gallon garbage bags."   

"I just spent $8.40 cents for stuff I'm just gonna throw away."  [blink]

2.  Evans' reminded me of one....

A young man had the routine of going for morning jogs. On his usual route he jogs past the fence of a nearby golf course.  He often spots a few golf balls that made it over the fence, and he usually picks them up and cleans them at home.  When he collects a dozen he sells them back to some of the golfers.

One day on his jog he noticed that the golfers had a particularly bad day of golf as there looked to be at least well more than a dozen or so balls littering the outside of the fence.  But that morning he wasn't wearing the sweats with pockets, but they did have tight elastic around the ankles, so he just dropped them down the legs and moved on.  There were enough of the golf balls to give his ankles a swollen look.  So as he slowly lurched towards home, he noticed old lady Jones working in her backyard.  He usually stops on those days to chat with her a bit, and saw he couldn't avoid it that morning, but would try to make it a short visit.

As the two were conversing over the fence, he noticed her glancing often down at his ankles, probably wondering as to why their odd appearance.    So with a dismissive wave of his hand, he pointed down to his ankles and said, "Oh, don't pay that any mind.  It's golf balls."

Mrs. Jones looked at him with a puzzled expression and replied, "Oh.  So tell me...."

"Is that anything like tennis elbow?"  [biggrin]

Whitefang

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A traveling salesman had car trouble.  It was getting late and he needed to find a place for the night.  He came to a farm and went to the farmhouse to see if he could get some help.  The farmer said he could put him up, but then said, "But I'm afraid you'll have to share a bed with my son."

The salesman turned around and walked away saying,   "Sorry.  I'm in the wrong joke."

Whitefang

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The same thing happened to me at CVS when I was trying on condoms to make sure I got the right size!  [wink]

And how come if department stores let you take jeans and slacks into their dressing rooms to try on, and will let you try on shoes before you buy them, they won't let you do that when it comes to underwear?   [confused]

Whitefang

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  • 3 weeks later...

How about some bathroom humor?

I'm not talking about bodily functions, but some of the humor you might find on public(or workplace) walls.....

Over the urinals at the Junior Achievement  boy's room:

"While you're reading this you're p!ssing on your foot."

"Napoleon stood here and blew his Bonaparte."

Over a urinal at the Cadillac plant where I worked:

"Please do not throw cigarette butts in urinal.  They get soggy and hard to light." 

And of course, the time honored;

"No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall in your pants."

[wink]

Whitefang

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