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A travelling salesman's car broke down on a country road.  Needing a place to crash for the night, he walked down the road until he spotted a farmhouse.  Knocking on the door, a farmer answered and the salesman said,"My car broke down about a mile down the road.  And it's getting late, so could you put me up for the night?"

The farmer told him, "Sure sonny, but I'm afraid you'll have to share the bed with my son."

The salesman turned around, walked off the porch and said, "Sorry.  But I'm in the wrong joke."  [wink]

Whitefang

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A man walks into a bar and it's empty, it's just him and the bartender.  He sits down and orders a drink.  He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.  "Pssst...that color looks nice on you."  He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but ...are  you speaking to me?"  The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that." 

"It's the peanuts....they're Complimentary."  

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Another travelling salesman gag.....

A travelling salesman gets lost in the country and stops at a farm to get directions.

While talking to the farmer, the salesman sees,  in the corner of his eye, a three legged pig hobbling around the farmyard.  He asked the farmer about it.  The farmer pointed to a pile of charred old rubble and said, " that old burned building used to be our farmhouse.  One night when we were all asleep it caught fire.  That pig saw it and busted into the house and squealed such a ruckus it woke us up in time to get out.  The pig even ran back into the burning house to pull out our young son and the baby.  He saved their lives.  He saved ALL our lives!"

The salesman remarked, "So, I guess that's how the pig lost that leg, right?"  And the farmer replied.....

"Mister, if you had a pig that brave, that loyal and devoted, could YOU eat him all at once?"  [wink]

Whitefang

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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500.00 dollars."  "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot  knows how to use a computer." The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it coasts $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.  Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that that it costs $2,000 dollars.  Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies,  To be honest, I have never seen it do anything: 

But the the other two call him BOSS!" 

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A Avon lady gets on the elevator alone and toots out a bad one.  "Oh my!" She says and reaches in her bag for her best Pine Tree scent.   Pst, Pst, Pst, Pst, she sprays in the air. "That's better" she says.  About that time the elevator stops and a drunk gets on.  He smells the air, Snif, Snif, Snif.  "Whats that smell," he asks her.  Proud of her Avon, she asks him,  "Do you like it? 

"Nah," He tells her.  "Smells like someone pooped a Christmas Tree!" 

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9 hours ago, Whitefang said:

I first heard that on a Gene Tracy cassette tape. Always cracked me up.  My Mom liked it too, as she was once an Avon lady.  [wink]

Whitefang

Haha, I just happened to remember that one from when I was little. Of course pooped, I changed from what it actually said. 

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An old man enters a confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I'm 85 years old, and have been married to my wife for 62 years and never once, was unfaithful.  But last night I had sex with a pair of 18 year old twin sisters."

The priest mulls for a while, then finally says, "Well, I'm glad to know you feel resolute enough to confess and wish to atone.  So, I guess at your age, you know how to make penance??  And the old man says, "I don't know anything about that.  I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."  And the priest asked, "Well then, why do you come in here and tell me all of this?"  And the old man says.....

"Hey!  I'm telling EVERYBODY!"  [wink]

Whitefang

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I had a Christmas card from my Irish cousin who lives in the U.S, he told me how he's been sacked from his job as an electrician with the Texas Prison Service as he refused to repair an electric chair.

He said in his opinion it was a death trap!

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1 hour ago, Brucebubs said:

ToETImeh.jpg

Do you think that would actually work? Lol I admit that I snuck in a couple.  Secret is, I put them in a case for a month or 2. Then took it out & put it on the guitar for a couple of days and back in the case.  After getting used to it out and gone, she never even noticed Lol. 

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While traveling with his apostles, Jesus came upon a small shop in a village and thought to go in and ask for some water and directions.  He entered the shop without closing the door behind Him.  The proprietor pointed at the open door and angrily asked Jesus;

"Hey buddy! Were  You born in a BARN?"   :rolleyes:

Whitefang

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A dumb hick kid went to try out for his school's football team.  The coach handed him a football and asked, 

"Son, do you think you can pass this?"

The kid looked shocked and said, 

"Heck.  I don't think I can even SWALLER it!"  

Whitefang

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