Whitefang Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with seven guys....? And came home with a big red snapper? Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 I told the Inland Revenue 'I don't owe you a penny. I live on the coast'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 On 7/3/2022 at 12:04 PM, gearbasher said: A guy walks into a bar carrying a foot-tall man and a small piano. He places the piano and the man on the bar. The tiny man sits down on a little stool and starts to play the piano, magnificently. The bartender walks over and asks: "Where did you find this tiny piano playing fellow?" The man replies: " I was walking down an alley and found an old bottle. When I opened the bottle, a genie popped out and said he would grant me one wish." The bartender asked: "So, you wished for this little guy?" The man replied: "The genie misheard me. Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?" Reminds me of an oldie----- A man walks into a bar with a 12 inch man sitting on his shoulder. He orders a drink and when the bartender comes back with it the little man jumps off the shoulder and kicks the man's drink over. So the man orders another, and when he gets it the little guy does the same thing again. And then flips the bartender the bird. After four tries, the bartender asks the guy, "Look, I don't mind since you're paying for all the drinks. But what's the deal with this little guy on your shoulder? " And the man explains..... "look, you won't believe this at first, but I'll show you. " Last year I was walking along the beach when I came across something that looked like the old Aladdin's lamp. So for kicks I picked it up and rubbed it kind of feeling foolish but lo and behold! An actual genie appeared and granted me three wishes." The bartender, skeptically asked what the wishes were. So the man motioned him to join him outside. "See that new Cadillac?" the man asked, "Well, I wished not for a Cadillac, but a magic car that becomes any car I want it to be." Then pointing at it said, "Car. Change to a Lincoln." and POOF! It changed into the other car. He then confirmed it by changing it into a Mercedes. "For my second wish", he said, "I asked for this magic wallet." He then produced a wallet, opened it up to reveal it was full of $100 bills. Then pulling out all the bills, POOF! It was magically refilled with Benjamins. The bartender was overwhelmed. "I thought you were putting me on. But you're for real. So, what was your third wish?" And pointing to the little man on his shoulder, the man said, "I wished for a 12 inch prick, and THIS is what I got!" Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 Blonde, brunette, and redhead lost in the desert found a lamp. They rub it and out pops a genie. Genie: since i can only grant three wishes, each of you gets one wish. Redhead: i wish i was back with my mom and dad. Poof! Back with mom and dad. Brunette: i wish i was in my pool. Poof! Back in her pool. Blonde: WOW! This is really cool. Wish my friends were here to see this. Poof! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 (edited) During the first year of marriage, you pick a fight with your wife just to have "make-up" sex. After twenty years of marriage, you pick a fight with your wife just so you can get to sleep in another room. Edited July 7, 2022 by gearbasher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 9 hours ago, CROWB8 said: Blonde, brunette, and redhead lost in the desert found a lamp. They rub it and out pops a genie. Genie: since i can only grant three wishes, each of you gets one wish. Redhead: i wish i was back with my mom and dad. Poof! Back with mom and dad. Brunette: i wish i was in my pool. Poof! Back in her pool. Blonde: WOW! This is really cool. Wish my friends were here to see this. Poof! OK. On that track here's one about an enchanted rattlesnake a cowboy encounters. It's an oldie as you'll tell by the references.... A cowboy riding the range encounters a rattler and before he can shoot it the snake begins to talk! Astonished, the cowboy can just sit there slack jawed and listen. The snake says, "I'm an enchanted snake. If you let me live I'll grant three wishes." The cowboy thinks a minute and then says, "My first wish is to have good looks like that movie star John Derek." Then the snake asks for the 2nd wish. The cowboy said, "I want a physique like Charles Atlas." The went on... "For the third wish I want to be built like my horse underneath." The snake tells him, "When you awake next morning, your wishes will be granted." Well, next morning comes and the cowboy springs out of bed and looks in the mirror, and sure enough, he's the spitting image of John Derek! Excited, he rips off his pajama top to reveal a muscular physique identical to Charles Atlas. even more excited he jumps quickly out of his pajama bottoms and falls to the floor in agony. "DANG it! I forgot I was riding that MARE yesterday!" 😲 John Derek? Charles Atlas? I TOLD y'all it was an oldie! Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 (edited) Dont get me started. Brunette says to the blonde; had a wonderful time last night. I went home with a Brazilian. Blonde replies; WOW! Sounds great but, how many is a brazilian? Edited July 7, 2022 by CROWB8 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 Why is there always one brunette with a group of blondes? They need a translator. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 Mistress says; was it as good for you as it was for me? Hooker says; was it good for you? Wife says; beige, i think i'll paint the ceiling beige. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 Did you hear about the prostitute with the colostomy? Now, she can make money on the side. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 Did you hear about the Polish prostitute that wound up working in a warehouse? Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 Makes me wonder..... Can you get your piano tuned at the same place you'd get your motorcycle tuned? Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted July 17, 2022 Share Posted July 17, 2022 Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted July 17, 2022 Share Posted July 17, 2022 Did you hear about the all blonde woman's hockey team? They all drowned during spring training. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted July 18, 2022 Share Posted July 18, 2022 I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdgm Posted July 18, 2022 Share Posted July 18, 2022 A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.” 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted July 18, 2022 Share Posted July 18, 2022 (edited) A psychiatrist is doing weekly evaluations at a mental institute. His first patient walks in swinging an imaginary baseball bat. The psychiatrist asks: "What are you doing?" The patient answers: "I'm swinging a bat. Because, when I get out of here, I'm going to be a great baseball player!" The psychiatrist jots down in his notes that the patient has desires to get well and get out of the facility. Then the next patient comes in catching an imaginary football. The psychiatrist asks: "What are you doing?" The patient answers: "I'm catching a football. Because, when I leave here, I'm going to be a great wide receiver!" The psychiatrist jots down in his notes that this patient also shows a desire to get well and leave the facility. Then, the final patient walks in with his penis in a jar of Planter's Dry Roasted Peanuts. The psychiatrist asks: "What are you doing?" Th patient answers: "I'm f**king nuts and I'm never getting out of here!" Edited July 18, 2022 by gearbasher 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted July 19, 2022 Share Posted July 19, 2022 Can a Wallaby jump higher than the Arc de Triomphe? Yes. The the Arc de Triomphe cant jump. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brucebubs Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 My wife Linda found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Linda that , if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some 'Nair' Hair Remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Linda went to the store and bought some 'Nair' Hair Remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Linda said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Linda replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist said, "Well, then.....stay off your bicycle for at least a week." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 A vulture tries boarding a plane with two dead rabbits. The flight attendant says: "I'm sorry but you're only allowed one carrion." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted July 26, 2022 Share Posted July 26, 2022 How Long is a Chinese name yes it is 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted July 27, 2022 Share Posted July 27, 2022 ^^^^^ Reminds me of another old one. I knew a guy that was so fat, he had more chins than a Chinese phonebook. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted July 27, 2022 Share Posted July 27, 2022 Fat jokes? Here's some oldies--- She's so fat that when she stands on the corner the police come by and tell her"OK, break it up." Shes' so fat she has her own atmosphere. She's so fat she sinks up to her knees when walking on cement. Now, One day when in the gym, I spotted a guy in there with the biggest gut I ever saw. so I yelled at him; "Hey, buddy! Look at the size of that gut. When was the last time you saw your d!ck?" He replied, "Yeah, it's been a long time." So I said, "You ought to do something about that. Maybe you should try to diet." He said, "That's a good idea. What color is it now?" 😜 Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 (edited) Edited July 30, 2022 by CROWB8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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