merciful-evans Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 My wife waited for me in the kitchen all night just to ask me what time it was 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 Yo momma’s teeth are so bad! When she smiled at me I didn’t know if I should smile back or kick a field goal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasme04 Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 On 6/24/2020 at 7:24 PM, brad1 said: What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef HAHAHAH:) Its hilarious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted August 4, 2022 Share Posted August 4, 2022 How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. Because we are efficient and not very funny. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted August 4, 2022 Share Posted August 4, 2022 8 hours ago, merciful-evans said: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. Because we are efficient and not very funny. I'm reminded of an exchange a friend of mine who's German had back in about the mid-'60's. He was bragging about how great Germans were so I asked..... "If they're so great how come they lost two world wars?" His answer? "Because THREE's our lucky number." Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdgm Posted August 4, 2022 Share Posted August 4, 2022 (edited) How do you know you're being chased by Vegan zombies? "Grains!!!! GRRAAAIINS!" sigh Edited August 4, 2022 by jdgm 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted August 5, 2022 Share Posted August 5, 2022 You can't really be chased by vegan zombies. They stop to graze every ten feet. Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdgm Posted August 5, 2022 Share Posted August 5, 2022 6 hours ago, Whitefang said: You can't really be chased by vegan zombies. They stop to graze every ten feet. Whitefang Why did the Vegan zombie go to the health food shop? He was looking for a pulse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted August 6, 2022 Share Posted August 6, 2022 A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted August 10, 2022 Share Posted August 10, 2022 Superman is flying around the city and he spots Wonder Woman laying bare naked and spread eagle on a rooftop. He thinks to himself: "I could swoop down, have my way with her and fly off before she even realizes what happened." So, he swoops down. BANG! BANG! BANG! And he flies off. Wonder Woman asks: "What was that?" And the Invisible Man replies: "I don't know but my butt hurts." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted August 11, 2022 Share Posted August 11, 2022 My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone (Lee Evans) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted August 11, 2022 Share Posted August 11, 2022 4 hours ago, merciful-evans said: My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone (Lee Evans) Was there some kind of accident? Why was your phone bloody? And were you able to stop the bleeding? Maybe a burglar came in and stabbed it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted August 11, 2022 Share Posted August 11, 2022 Mike is walking down the street and he spots a friend he hasn't seen in ages. Mike calls out: "Joe, Joe!" Joe: "Hey Mike, it's been a while." Mike: "Yeah man. So, what's up with you? Are you married yet?" Joe: "Nope, not yet." Mike: "So, what's the problem? Are you dating?" Joe: Yeah, I'm dating a lot. It just that every woman I bring home, my mother just doesn't like her. Either she doesn't look right, doesn't act right, doesn't dress right or doesn't cook right." Mike: "This is easy. Just have your mother set you up with a girl she things is right." Joe: "Hey, I'll give it a shot." About seven or eight months later, Mike runs into Joe again. Mike: "Hey, Joe. So what's with your love life? Any luck?" Joe: "Nothing!" Mike: "Didn't you take my advice?" Joe: "Yup. I have my mom fix me up with a girl. This girl looked like my mom, dressed like my mom, acted like my mom and even cooked like my mom." Mike: "So, what was the problem?" Joe: "My father couldn't stand her!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mihcmac Posted August 11, 2022 Share Posted August 11, 2022 Q Why should I have a smart phone? A So you can stay connected to everyone. Q. Hmm, like when your out and about ignoring everyone around you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted August 11, 2022 Share Posted August 11, 2022 (edited) Lone ranger and tonto crossing the prairrie. Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says, buffalo come! Lone ranger says, how can you tell? Tonto says, ear sticky. Edited August 11, 2022 by CROWB8 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted August 11, 2022 Share Posted August 11, 2022 Rated PG. Top speed of a woman is 68. Because 69 she blows a rod. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 (edited) Man driving happens upon a pig farm. Stops and asks the farmer if he could buy a pig. Farmer says sure. Man says, how do you sell them? Farmer says, by the pound. Man says, how much does that pig way? Farmer picks up the pig, sticks its tail in his mouth, bobs up and down and says, that there pig weights 40 pounds. Man is amazed and says, OK, so how much does that other pig weight? Farmer repeats the process and says, 55 pounds. Man still amazed says, OK, if i could get a second opinion on that, I'll buy one. Farmer says to his boy, go fetch mom and have her come out and weight this here pig. Boy runs to the house and comes back with out mom. Farmer says, boy! Where's your mom? Boy says, mom cant come right now she's inside weighing a cowboy. Edited August 14, 2022 by CROWB8 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 My dog was always chasing people on bikes. It became so bad I had to get rid of all the bikes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 (edited) CROWB8's pig joke jarred this one out of the deep recesses of my brain. A hillbilly decides he wants to raise pigs. He goes to a pig farm and asks the farmer what he needs to do. The farmer told him to start with about a dozen female pigs. The hillbilly asks; "Don't I need a male pig also?" The farmer replies: "No, the best way is to use artificial insemination. You know what that is? Don't you?" The hillbilly says: "Of course I do! But, how do I know if they're pregnant" The farmer replies: "If they're rolling around in the mud, they're pregnant. If they're just walking around, they're not." So, the hillbilly buys a dozen female pigs from the farmer and while he's driving them home in his truck, he's guessing that artificial insemination means he has to have sex with the pigs. So, he drives to a remote location in the woods and has sex with all the pigs. He brings them home and when he wakes up the next morning all the pigs are walking around. None are rolling in the mud. Once again, he loads them all in his truck and drives to the remote location and has sex with them. The next morning, he looks out the window and, again, all the pigs are walking around. None are rolling in the mud. He thinks he has to try a third time. He loads all the pigs in the truck, drives to the remote location and has sex with all the pigs again. He brings them home and by this time he is just exhausted. The next morning he's so tired, he oversleeps two hours and doesn't have the energy to get out of bed. So, he calls out to his wife: "Honey, can you look out the window and tell me if the pigs are rolling around in the mud or just walking around?" His wife answers: "Neither." The hillbilly asks: "Neither! Then what are they doing?" The wife replies: "They're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." Edited August 14, 2022 by gearbasher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 changed my name to 'No one' on Facebook. So when I click 'like' on a stupid post it say's No one likes this. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 When I joined this forum, I was asked to create a password. I wanted to use "MyPenis", but I was told it was too short. 1 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 Got this from a short-lived sitcom of Bonnie Hunt's... Her doctor husband, in a hurry, picked her out an anniversary gift at an airport gift shop. Turned out to be a nightgown three sizes too big for her. His explanation was, "I was in a hurry, I held it up and it looked like it would fit, so...." And she held it up to reveal a tent-sized hunk of fabric, and asked, "I look this big to you?" And while he was trying to stammer out an answer the kid from next door enters to be with their son, that boy's best friend. He asks Bonnie's son what's new and the son answers, "My Dad thinks my mom's fat." And the other kid says, "That's no problem because you guys have a lot of money." And Bonnie asks, "What's that have to do with anything?" And the next door kid answers... "My mom says you can afford to lose a few pounds!" Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 Tall women seldom yodel. Young women never yodel. But a lot of little older ladies do. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdgm Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 5 hours ago, merciful-evans said: But a lot of little older ladies do. Took me a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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