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Stupid Jokes


Mr. Gibson

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It's an old-timer's first day at a retirement home. His son drops him off and tells him that he'll come back later to see how he's doing. After settling in, the old man is sitting on a bench in the rec. room. He starts to lean to his right and a nurse runs over and straightens him out. He starts leaning right again and another nurse rushes over and straightens him out. Then he starts to lean to his left. A nurse runs over and props him straight, once more. This goes on all day. Right, left, right, left. left, right and so on. His son comes back and asks the old man: "Well, how do you like the place?" The old man replies: "It's very nice. But, they don't let you fart here."

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Cinderella is about to leave for the ball. She has her gown, glass slippers and the carriage. She asks her fairy godmother: "Can I have a diaphragm?" He fairy godmother says: "OK, but if you're not back by midnight, it's going to turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella goes off to the ball. Her fairy godmother is waiting for her to return. It strikes midnight, 1AM, 2AM and no Cinderella. Finally at 3AM, Cinderella comes rushing back. Her hair is a mess, her make-up is smeared and her dress is in tatters. Her fairy godmother angrily yells: "I told you to be home by midnight. Cinderella responds: "I was on my way and then I met Peter Peter."

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A spokesperson for the Polish government recently held a press conference and stated that they had decided to provide military assistance to the Ukrainians in their fight against Russian forces. After audible gasps from the room full of reporters, he continued his statement, indicating that they had just purchased 1,500 septic tanks, and as soon as they learn how to drive them, they would be joining the fight. 

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A pirate walks into a bar with the ship's steering wheel attached to the crotch of his pants. The bartender says: "Hey pirate you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants." The pirate says: "Arrr! I Know. It's driving me nuts."

 

What do you call a Spanish woman with no legs?

Consuelo

 

Why do women have legs?

So  they don't leave snail trails when they walk.

 

Edited by gearbasher
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How about his oldie?

A man sits down at the bar and demands, "Bartender!  Gimme 12 martinis!"

The bartender mixes one and puts it down on the bar saying, "Here's number one."

The man gets angry  and bellows, "I didn't say one at a time,  I want 12 lined up in front of me."

So the bartender, while mixing them asked, "So, what's up with these 12 drinks?"  And the man answers,

"I'm celebrating my first BJ!"

Well, the bartender says, "Congratulations!  Lemme add a 13th one.  On the house!"  And the man then says, 

"Don't bother. If 12 don't kill the taste, then f---k it!"

Hope the dust wasn't too thick for ya.....  [wink]

Whitefang

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My wife wanted to get breast enhancement surgery. I told her: "Why pay for the surgery? All you have to do is, once a day,  take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts." She asked: "That will make my breasts larger?" I said: "Sure, look what it's done to your a$$."

Edited by gearbasher
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