Stupid Jokes

[Murph]

I was watching one of those cooking shows, this one was from Australia. "The Great Australian Bake Off" or something. So they are making pies, and this one lady made meringue, and the audience lost their collective minds, cheering and clapping.

Struck me as odd, I always thought Australians boo meringue.

[Murph]

A couple are moving from Maine to Florida. They agreed that the husband would go first, and the wife would follow when he got settled in. So, off he goes to Florida. A couple of days later he sends an email to his wife. However, he hadn't realized he mistyped the email address for his wife when he sent it. Meanwhile out in Oklahoma a woman was just getting back home from her husband's funeral and notices that she has an email. She reads the email and faints; bam, hits the floor! Her son heard the noise and went to see what happened and saw his mother lying on the floor unconscious. He noticed she had an email on the computer and stepped closer so he could see what is said. It read "Hello honey, I've arrived safely, and have started preparing for your arrival tomorrow morning and really looking forward to being back together again. By the way, it's a whole lot hotter down here that I imagined so be prepared.

[Murph]

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest

[Murph]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[VillanuevaO]

So many jokes... Sad to hear

[Whitefang]

Well sadly, it's time for my annual Thanksgiving joke.   I'll apologize now,    And to Gilbert Shelton, who conceived it as a Furry Freak Brothers gag....

*****************************************************************************************************************************************.

A man and his wife were talking one July evening when the man came up with an idea. “Every year for Thanksgiving, we get a frozen turkey that’s been frozen for who knows how long and is hard as a rock and takes three days to thaw to where you can cook it. This year, I’d like to try something different.”

“Why don’t we get a live turkey this year? I could build a little pen in the backyard, and I know of a turkey farmer I could get the bird from. We could spend the next three months fattening it up and Thanksgiving morning, I could chop it’s head off and you could do the rest. How about it?”

His wife said she thought it was a wonderful idea, so the man set off to make it happen. He built a small pen out of old wood from his garage and some chicken wire he got at a local hardware store. Then went to the farmer and got a good sized “Tom” turkey and some corn feed.

Come Thanksgiving morning, the man went out to his yard, picked up the turkey out of it’s pen and carried it to a cement block he set up for the kill. After chopping off it’s head and giving it time to drain, he took it into his wife, who had read up on how to remove the feathers, and went off elsewhere to await dinner.

After dinner, while sitting at the table in front of a clean turkey skeleton, the man said, “Man! That was the best tasting turkey dinner I ever had. This live turkey idea was a winner! And the stuffing. Fantastic. What did you make it out of?” “What dear?” asked his wife. “The stuffing. It was great. I asked what did you use for stuffing?” And his wife replied,

“Oh, I didn’t have to stuff it. It WASN’T EMPTY.”

 

[gearbasher]

If you get shrimp from a shrimp boat and lobster from a lobster boat, where do you get crabs from?

The captain's dingy.

 

What do women and KFC have in common?

Once you finish with the breasts and thighs, you have a greasy box  to put your bone in.

 

When my handicapped girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

 

Edited November 21, 2022 by gearbasher

[gearbasher]

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea

 

I'm in bed with a blind girl and she says: "You have to be most well endowed man I've ever been with". I replied: "Aw, come on. You're just pulling my leg."

Edited November 21, 2022 by gearbasher

[gearbasher]

On 11/20/2022 at 12:56 AM, saturn said:

True story. Today my wife told me her make-up mirror broke. I said "I can't see myself living without a mirror"  

 

I just applied for a job in a mirror factory. I can see myself working there.

[Murph]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered "Call for backup."

[Murph]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied: “It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!”

[Whitefang]

Ha!  I might just start taking up golf!  

Whitefang

[gearbasher]

True story. Not really a joke. But, pretty funny.

Back in my early twenties, I was working as a clerk with the USPS. One day, we were sorting magazines. Sometimes, we would read some of the articles. One guy in our crew found an article entitled; "Does Semen Taste Like Asparagus?" We had a woman in our crew that was probably 20 years old and totally hot. So, this guy asks her: "Hey Lucy, does semen taste like asparagus?" She replies immediately: "How should I know? I never had asparagus." I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

[Mr. Gibson]

34 minutes ago, gearbasher said:

True story. Not really a joke. But, pretty funny.

Back in my early twenties, I was working as a clerk with the USPS. One day, we were sorting magazines. Sometimes, we would read some of the articles. One guy in our crew found an article entitled; "Does Semen Taste Like Asparagus?" We had a woman in our crew that was probably 20 years old and totally hot. So, this guy asks her: "Hey Lucy, does semen taste like asparagus?" She replies immediately: "How should I know? I never had asparagus." I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

My lol fer the day 

[Pinch]

On 11/21/2022 at 2:03 PM, Murph said:

I was watching one of those cooking shows, this one was from Australia. "The Great Australian Bake Off" or something. So they are making pies, and this one lady made meringue, and the audience lost their collective minds, cheering and clapping.

Struck me as odd, I always thought Australians boo meringue.

😄

[Whitefang]

On 11/21/2022 at 6:36 PM, gearbasher said:

If you get shrimp from a shrimp boat and lobster from a lobster boat, where do you get crabs from?

The captain's dingy.

 

I think I posted this one early on.(but bears repeating  ) as I heard it and the one above at the same time back when.

If a pink Stork brings a girl baby, and a blue stork brings a boy baby, what kind of bird brings no baby?

A swallow.

Whitefang

[gearbasher]

Here's a really bad one.

 

A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office.

Man: "Doc, I've got the song "Delilah" stuck in my head. For the past month, 24 hrs. a day, all I can do is think of that song."

Psychiatrist: " You have Tom Jones Syndrome."

Man: "Tom Jones Syndrome! I never heard of it.  Is it common?

Psychiatrist: "It's not unusual."

Edited November 25, 2022 by gearbasher

[gearbasher]

Here are a few more:

Did you here about the lonely gynecologist?

He looked up an old girlfriend.

 

A man walks into a psychologist's office and says: "Doc, you have to help me. No body likes me. I don't understand why. You have to help me, you fat, ugly bastard."

 

A husband and wife are driving home in a snow storm. They see a skunk struggling in the snow. When they get out of the car to have a closer look, the woman says: "Look at the poor thing, it's shivering. What should we do?" The husband says: "Pick it up and put it between your legs to keep it warm." The women asks: "But what about the smell?" The husband replies: "Just hold it's nose."

Edited November 25, 2022 by gearbasher

[Whitefang]

A man told this story....

"I was driving down an old country road late one Christmas Eve when I saw something flashing through the sky and crash into a little nearby structure.  I went to see if anyone was hurt and when I reached he scene I saw it was a sleigh  that crashed into  an outhouse!

"I dug around in the snow to see if I could find any survivors and shortly a small, chubby white haired man with a big white beard and covered with crap climbed out of the snow, stomped around me angrily and went to the front of the sleigh, past it for 12 feet, dug in the snow and pulled out the head of a reindeer!"

"and in an angry voice, shouted;

"you IDIOT!  I said the SCHMIDT HOUSE!!" 

Whitefang

[Tman]

On 11/23/2022 at 4:19 AM, Murph said:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied: “It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!”

Similar one that is actually a true story: 10 medical students were in a VA large exam room divided into 10 exam spaces by curtains. Everyone could hear everyone else.  The students were completing their first physical examination by asking questions about each body part being examined. A female ivy league school graduate was doing the genital examination of a 75 y/o veteran and asking him about his function while she was palpating him and asked" Are you able to achieve and maintain an erection?" His answer, with a thick Arkansas accent, was,  Ma'am, you keep on doin that, I'm gonna have a resurrection."

[gearbasher]

There was this young woman who was born with a hair lip and, sadly, no boy ever asked her out on a date. Then a young man, who's eye was replaced with a wooden one when he lost it as a child, saw her in a park. He walked over to her and asked: "Would you like to go out with me?" With a smile on her face and bursting with enthusiasm she exclaims: "Would I? Would I?" He then angrily points at her and yells: "Hair lip! Hair lip!"

[gearbasher]

Why is it so difficult to break up with a Japanese woman?

 

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

[gearbasher]

A guy is sitting in his favorite restaurant and notices all the waiters have spoons in their pockets. So, he asks his waiter: "What's with the spoons in your pockets?" The waiter answers: "Well. we had an efficiency expert here and he said we should carry spoons. This way if someone drops their spoon , we can replace it without going all the way back to the kitchen." The man then notices a string coming out of his waiter's pants. So, he asks: "What about the string coming out of your pants?" The waiter replies: "Again, the efficiency expert recommended this. When we go to the bathroom we can pull it out with the string. This way we don't have to wash our hands and that saves time." The man asks: "But, how do you put it back in?" The waiter answers: "We use the spoon."

[gearbasher]

I once had a job at the zoo  circumsising  elephants. The pay was lousy, but the tips were huge.

[gearbasher]

A redneck walks into his trailer and catches his cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot. He says: "Seriously, Annie Mae, a carrot? I was planning to eat that later. Now it's just gonna taste like carrots."