Stupid Jokes

[Whitefang]

A man and woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary.  Waiting for their three sons to arrive before and acknowledgement, the oldest son is first to arrive.  He rushes in saying, "Mom, Pop!  Happy anniversary.  I was in a rush and didn't have time to shop for a gift, but I stopped in at the airport gift shop and got you this pen and pencil set."  To which the Father says, "Your Mother and me have been together 50 years.  We're very happy.  We really don't need no gifts.  now sit down, we've got something to say to all three of our sons, but won't say anything until you're all here."

So, the 1st son sits and waits.  An hour later another son arrives.  Rushing in he says, "Mom, Dad.  Happy anniversary.  I was in a rush and only had time to rush into a drug store and get you this salt and pepper shaker set."  The Father repeated he and their Mother didn't need any gifts and he had something to say so sit and wait for the third brother.  And another hour passed when then the third son rushed in saying, "Happy anniversary Mon and Dad.  I got tied up visiting a friend in the hospital and only had time to stop in the gift shop and I gor you this nice pen and pencil set."  

The father told him to sit down with his brothers and he had something to tell them.  "What is it pop?" asked the oldest son, "We've been waiting all night.  So what's this big thing you want to say?  And the Father said, "Your Mother and me have been together 50 years.  Yet in all that time we never did get married."  And the oldest son jumped up and said, "Never got married?  Do you know what you're saying?  You're telling us we're all bastards!"

The Father looked at the three of them, then looked down at the salt and pepper shakers and pen and pencil sets and said....

"It's worse than that.  you're cheap bastards!"  

Whitefang

[gearbasher]

I'll clean this one up as best I can.

How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?

Bang her in the butt and wipe your junk off on the curtains.

[Murph]

Two cannibals sat around a campfire

One turned to the other and said, "God, I hate my mother-in-law."

His friend said, "Well then try the potatoes."

[Murph]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'

[Whitefang]

Ha!  Nice twist at the end.  Most would think the letter from the attorney was something about paternity.  

Whitefang

[merciful-evans]

Murphy went into Paddy's barn. He finds Paddy in there naked and gyrating in front of his tractor. 

'What yer doin' there Paddy?'

'Me missus n me have been to marriage guidance coz the love lifes not too good'.

'So ?'

'So he said I should do something sexy to a tractor'. 

[merciful-evans]

As Molly slipped away, she kept telling us to be positive. That's hard. If only we had remembered her blood type. 

[merciful-evans]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 ?

Aye Matey !

[gearbasher]

Why don't aliens vacation on Earth?

We only got one star.

[gearbasher]

This guy has been suffering from Erectile Dysfunction for years. He went to dozens of doctors. He tried various supplements and pills. He even went to a Psychiatrist and tried hypnosis and nothing worked. Finally, he went to a Witch Doctor. The Witch Doctor said he can cure him. He took a jar off the shelf and blew some white powder into the man's face. The Witch Doctor then told him, "This is a very powerful spell. But, you can only get an erection once a year. All you have to do is say, 1-2-3 and you will get an erection. It will last for days. You can have as much sex as you want." The man then asks: "But, how do I make it go down?" The Witch Doctor tells him: "Your partner has to say, 1-2-3-4 and it will go down. But, remember you have to wait a whole year before you can have another erection." Excitedly, the man rushes home to see his wife. He gets in the front door and calls out: "Honey, where are you?" The wife replies: "I'm in the bedroom." The guy rushes into the bedroom, sees his wife and shouts: "1-2-3". His wife looks at him strangely and asks; "What did you say 1-2-3 for?"

[merciful-evans]

A priest, a pastor, an imam and a rabbit go to donate blood. The nurse asks the rabbit what blood type he is. The rabbit says I'm probably a typo. 

[Murph]

That was great,

[Sheepdog1969]

A man in his late 60's is sitting in an exam room after an intensive and lengthy physical. His Doctor walks in and tells him that he has 2 pieces of bad news for him. The man, showing obvious concern, asks the Doc what the first piece of bad news is. The Doc tells him that he has a rare and incurable type of cancer. The man is understandably shocked, but he musters the strength to ask what the second piece of bad news is. The Doc then tells him that he has Alzheimer's. With a sigh of relief, the man says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer!". 

[merciful-evans]

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

My plumber has a strange sense of humour

[gearbasher]

I saw a young sheep in a bathing suit, driving a car.

It was a lamb bikini.

[merciful-evans]

Q/ What should you do if someone has a fit in the bath?

A/ Throw your washing in there

[sparquelito]

I dated a girl for awhile who had one leg shorter than the other.

Her name was Eileen.

 

[Murph]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all. Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained - 'The egg timer's broken!'

[Murph]

Getting old sucks.

The only safe place to cough is when you are sitting on the toilet.

[Whitefang]

3 hours ago, Murph said:

Getting old sucks.

 

Yeah.  Especially when you're somewhere with your oldest daughter and someone asks her, "Are you having a good day out with your Grandpa?" 

Whitefang

[merciful-evans]

Commenting on Fenders new Guitar in the 50s, Ted McCarty supposedly said 'anyone with a band saw can make a guitar now'.

Its not just band saws. It even faster with a jig saw

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sheepdog1969]

On 6/11/2023 at 5:49 AM, sparquelito said:

I dated a girl for awhile who had one leg shorter than the other.

Her name was Eileen.

 

I think I knew her brother, who had both legs amputated at the knee. His name was Neil.

[Sheepdog1969]

On 6/11/2023 at 9:28 AM, Whitefang said:

Yeah.  Especially when you're somewhere with your oldest daughter and someone asks her, "Are you having a good day out with your Grandpa?" 

Whitefang

Wow, at least I'm not the only one who has experienced that. The men in my family tend to go "grey" in their late twenties. Me, being quite self confident, had never thought of dying my hair. That is until a woman, at least ten years my senior, turned to my daughter, (as we were in the checkout line at the grocery store), and asked her if she was having a good day with her Grandpa. I was 44 at the time, and my daughter was 10. My kid was a bit confused, and I had to fight back my desire to ask the woman, "When she was due?", (which is the same kind of assumptive rudeness.)  I literally pulled my kid out of the checkout line, searched the store for the, "Just for men" hair dye, and added it to my cart. To this day, my daughter doesn't think it was my grey hair that elicited that woman's question. My kid thinks it was due to the case of Adult diapers in my cart.😄  

[Sheepdog1969]

On 6/11/2023 at 5:49 AM, sparquelito said:

I dated a girl for awhile who had one leg shorter than the other.

Her name was Eileen.

 

I dated an Asian girl with that same condition. Her name was Irene.

[Whitefang]

I don't know if I mentioned this before in here or not, but it's a true story.....

Back when my Mother was going through cancer treatments she(a diabetic) developed a sore on one foot from a thoracic  surgery she had done.  And her being diabetic the sore didn't heal quickly enough to avoid a form of gangrene.  She eventually required needing to have that leg amputated just below the knee.  Two surprisingly humorous things happened after the surgery.

1.  While still groggy while coming out of the anesthetic and seeing us in the recovery room, all looking sullen and hangdog, she looked at us and asked;  "So.  Where's that *** kicking contest I've been hearing about?"  

2.  Then knowing her propensity for levity at the oddest times, I asked her, "I'll bet you can't wait to get out of here and find a job and get back to work, eh?"  She looked at me funny and asked, "What the Hell kind of work can I do after this?"  And I reminded her that for much of her life she worked as a server waiting tables.  She then asked, "Well, who's going to hire me as a waitress with only one leg?"  And I looked her straight in the eye and said,  "Why, iHOP.  Who else?" 

Took her 5 minutes to finally stop laughing.  

Whitefang