Stupid Jokes

[Murph]

"We got it."

Bwahahahahaha.

[Sheepdog1969]

A piece of string walks into a bar and loudly says, "Give me a beer Barkeep!". Confused, the bartender replies, "I'm not giving you a beer, you're just a piece of string. Get out of here!"  Dejected, the piece of string leaves the bar. Sadly, the piece of string receives the exact same treatment at the next two bars he enters. Now, angry and frustrated, the piece of string throws himself into the street, violently thrashing and contorting himself upon the filthy road. He then composes himself and re-enters the first bar that had denied him, and again loudly asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string I threw out of here earlier?".   "I'm a frayed knot!", replies the piece of string. 

[merciful-evans]

The Scots: They invented chloroform, the hypodermic syringe and hypnosis. 

Isn't it just easier to talk to a woman ?

[Murph]

A gentleman named Mitch strolls into a tavern, accompanied by a newt perched upon his shoulder.

Intrigued, the barmaid behind the counter asks its name.

With a smirk, Mitch responds, “His name is Tiny.”

Curious about the choice of name, the barmaid asks Mitch why he chose to name his companion Tiny.

After a brief pause, Mitch grins and quips, “Well, you see, he’s my newt.”

[Murph]

A man is looking for a parking space but he is having absolutely no luck. As he drives around he begins to desperately pray to God.

“Please God, if you find me a parking spot I promise I will go to church every Sunday and never touch a drop of alcohol again!”

A moment later the man sees a parking spot open up right next to the entrance. He gasps and heads toward it. As he pulls into the space he turns his eyes to heaven and prays,

“Never mind. Found one!”

[MissouriPicker]

9 hours ago, Murph said:

A man is looking for a parking space but he is having absolutely no luck. As he drives around he begins to desperately pray to God.

“Please God, if you find me a parking spot I promise I will go to church every Sunday and never touch a drop of alcohol again!”

A moment later the man sees a parking spot open up right next to the entrance. He gasps and heads toward it. As he pulls into the space he turns his eyes to heaven and prays,

“Never mind. Found one!”

I’ve made promises like that….lol

[Sheepdog1969]

What's the difference between Mono and Herpes?

You get Mono when you snatch a kiss.

[Murph]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in a safe in the middle of plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the company that brings them out safely!”

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the plant president increased his offer to $100,000 to the company that could bring out the secret formulas.

From the distance, a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over-65. To everyone’s amazement, the fire truck raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

The other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off their truck and began to fight the fire with an effort they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting, the volunteers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

Overjoyed, the plant president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000. He walked over to personally thank each of the elderly volunteers. After thanking them, the president asked the volunteers what they planned on doing with the reward money,

The driver of the fire truck looked the president right in the eye and said, “The first we’re going to do is fix the brakes on this dang truck!”

[Murph]

I was watching a show called "Ten Steps to Avoiding Shark Attack."

1. Swim with a buddy
2. Stay close to shore
3. Don’t swim at dawn or dusk
4. Don’t swim around schools of fish or where people are fishing
5. Avoid wearing jewelry
6. Avoid excess splashing
7. Maintain eye contact with the shark
8. Slowly move away, and if possible, exit the water
9. Hit shark in the eyes and gills
10. Hit the shark on the snout and push away

Why isn't "Stay out of the water" number 1?

[Murph]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[Murph]

A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says,
“Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman - every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “ Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman - he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
𝐂𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐲: “𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐞𝐭 𝐅𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐤. 𝐇𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞.”

[merciful-evans]

Percy the serial killer went Bobsleighing yesterday. He did well, and managed to kill 58 Bobs.

[merciful-evans]

I finally got A Flat Minor.

I tipped a piano down a mine shaft.

[Murph]

Three prisoners are captured and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The first man asks for a large pizza, which he is served before being taken away.

The second man requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served before also being taken away.

The third man requests a plate of strawberries.

The officers are surprised and reply: “Strawberries?”

“Yes, Strawberries,” he repeats.

The officers answer: “But they are out of season!”

The man shrugs and says: “I’ll wait…”

[Sheepdog1969]

What is a cow that has had an abortion called?

Decaffeinated 

[Sheepdog1969]

You know why sex is like a bridge game?

You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

[merciful-evans]

 

 

There should be confetti in tires

so when there is a blow-out it’s still kind of an okay day. 

 

[Sheepdog1969]

What is the definition of "Mixed Emotions"?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes.

[Murph]

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench and said: “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court.”

“Why is that Your Honour?” asked the teacher.

The judge smiled with delight and said: “I’m going to need you to sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run red a light’ 500 times.”

[Murph]

Why did the lions move at the end of summer?

Because the pride goeth before the fall!
 

[gearbasher]

[Murph]

One evening, Adam stayed out very late which made Eve quite upset.

When he got home, she yelled at him: “You’re running around with other women.”

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs!”

[Murph]

Do you like psychology? I used to. I used to think that the brain was the most fascinating organ of the human body. Then I realized--ppthttt---look what's telling me that.

[merciful-evans]

Just found out the company that manufactures yardsticks won’t be making them any longer. 

[gearbasher]

When a pregnant woman masturbates, is she trying to get in touch with her inner child?