Sheepdog1969 Posted December 28, 2023 Share Posted December 28, 2023 What do you call a man with no arms and legs on your doorstep? Matt What do you call the same guy in the water? Bob What do you call him when he's tied behind a speedboat? Skip What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing. He isn't coming no matter what you call him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 28, 2023 Share Posted December 28, 2023 A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. And now, weirdest of all: even though he's dead, his little left paw keeps moving back and forth, back and forth, back and forth." The guy runs back to his house, digs through the shampoo he used when he washed the rabbit, and his worst fears are confirmed. Right there on the label: Permanent Wave For Damaged Hare... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 28, 2023 Share Posted December 28, 2023 I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer is, Fiji...... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 30, 2023 Share Posted December 30, 2023 What's the worst thing about having sex with your grandmother? Banging your head on the coffin lid. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saturn Posted December 30, 2023 Share Posted December 30, 2023 Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back for seconds. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted December 30, 2023 Share Posted December 30, 2023 Now listen son, I'm going to teach you how to tell the time. It's very simple. The clock has three hands. The first hand is the hour hand. The second hand is the minute hand and the third hand is the second hand. Ok so far? boy: errm... no?! Ok. You're still not ready I suppose. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 31, 2023 Share Posted December 31, 2023 This guy, tired of the fast pace of life, decides to become a monk and join a monastery. On his first day, the Head Monk says; "Here, we take a vow of silence. But on each anniversary of day you became a monk, you are allowed to say two words." After one year, the man is brought into the head monk's office and the head monk says: "This is your one year anniversary. You are allowed to say two words." The man replies: "Robes. Itchy." and he walks out. On his second anniversary, he says to the head monk: "Food. Bad." On his third anniversary, he says to the head monk: "Bed. Hard." On his fourth anniversary, he is brought to the head monk's office and the head monk says: "This is your fourth year with us. You may speak your two words." The man says: "I quit." The Head Monk replies: "Good. Because ever since you got here, the only thing you've done is complain." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 On 12/30/2023 at 5:51 AM, merciful-evans said: Now listen son, I'm going to teach you how to tell the time. It's very simple. The clock has three hands. The first hand is the hour hand. The second hand is the minute hand and the third hand is the second hand. Ok so far? boy: errm... no?! Ok. You're still not ready I suppose. I heard Abbott teaching Costello how to tell time, in my head, as I read your joke. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve at 8pm and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 A boyfriend and a girlfriend are taking on New Year's Eve Girlfriend: What'cha doin'? Boyfriend: Watching the ball drop on my laptop. Girlfriend: Cool. What's your New Year's resolution? Boyfriend: 1080p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it. The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them. It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone. The logging resumed and the forest animals returned to the wise old tree for advice. This time the wise old tree suggested that the birds swoop down and peck the loggers to disrupt their work day. This too worked for a while until the loggers hired some falconers to hunt the birds. Soon there were not enough birds to halt their progress so the loggers resumed. At this point the loggers were getting very close to the wise old tree, so the forest animals came back once more to see what the tree had to say. The wise old tree then suggested that all the squirrels and mice chew through the cables of the loggers' power tools, saws and other equipment so that the tools could no longer cut down the trees. While this did slow the loggers down, they quickly switched to manual saws and axes while their mechanised equipment was repaired and carried on. The day eventually came where the loggers had reached the wise old tree in the middle of the forest and chopped it down. Later that night the remaining forest animals sadly visited the dying tree and asked one last time if there was anything they could do to save the rest of the forest. The tree let out a weak sigh and said "Sorry guys, I'm completely stumped.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 In a married couple from Arkansas get a divorce, are they still cousins? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 13 Share Posted January 13 A man was shopping at his local supermarket where he selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. He unloaded his items on the conveyor belt to check out, and the cashier said "You must be single." The young man was a bit startled by this proclamation, but he was intrigued by the check-out girl's intuition, since he was indeed single. He looked at his six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about his selections that could have tipped off the cashier. Curiosity getting the better of him, he said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The cashier replied, "Cause you're ugly." 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 13 Share Posted January 13 Did you hear about the guy who got the word phony tattooed under his knee??? They now call him.......Phony below knee!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 13 Share Posted January 13 My wife just left me......She says life revolves around too much football and she's just sick of it! It's really a shame......I'm quite upset......We've been together for 35 seasons! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
10PoundLester Posted January 13 Share Posted January 13 A giraffe walks into a bar and exclaims "Hey everybody! The highballs are on me!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Seattle Space Needle on a windy day. Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on. Man 2: Bull. Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let me show you. The two men drunkily sneak outside and stand on the edge. When another gust comes, the first man leaps off the edge. He floats in the wind for a moment, and sure enough, the wind whips him back onto the ledge. Man 2: I gotta try this! He takes a running leap from the edge and plummets straight to his death. Afterwards, the police are investigating the scene and the Chief of Police goes up to the first man. Chief: You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk Superman. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?” “Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.” Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?” “Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.” Then Brick asked his mom, “NYANYANYANYA???? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 Father looks out the window on a snowy evening. He gets furious and turns red. "What's the matter, dear," his wife asks. "It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee." "Oh. That's not so bad." "Yeah, but it's in "her" handwriting." 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna” I don’t even know where that is! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jvi Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 Mom said I cant play with my half brother and chainsaws any more.... 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder. 🥲 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 If laughter really is the best medicine, why aren't Comedy Clubs called Pharmacies?? 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 As I looked at my naked body in the mirror... I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 It was so cold in D.C. today... that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.