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Stupid Jokes


Mr. Gibson

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A lawyer dies and goes to heaven (I know, hard to believe) , he sees St. Peter and asks, "where am I?" ,

"Heaven" St. Peter replies,  the lawyer says, " but this isn't fair, I'm a young man in the prime of life,"

St. Peter looks at his book and flips a page, runs his finger down a line and says " ah, here, it says your 84, and that's the all the years you were allotted, "

The man says, "but I'm only 48!"

St. Peter looks again at the page and says, 

"We were going by your billing hours,"

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Pastor Bob dies and goes to heaven,  on his first day God invites him to have dinner with him,

Bob waits at the dinner table,  looking down through the clouds he sees the people in hell,  they are drinking wine, roasting a hog, dancing,. God walks up and hands him a tuna sandwich. 

The next day, God finds Bob and asks if he'd like to have lunch,  he offers Bob another tuna sandwich,  Bob looks down and sees everyonein hell having a big feast!  Ribs, corn, wine, Bob asks, " God, why do we only have tuna every day when those in hell are having big feast?" 

God says, " Why cook for just the two of us?"

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I was having hearing issues, so I went to a specialist for hearing aids. He told me I could get a set for $500 that would improve my hearing, but better yet was a set for $1000. They'd significantly improve my hearing but for $5000, I could get a set that would allow me to hear EVERYTHING. I said, man I need that $5000 set, but because they're so expensive, how about I just get one for my right ear? He was okay with that, and I paid him $2500 and left.

Later, I was playing poker with my buds, and I was telling them about my new hearing aid... how it was just great and how I could hear everything. One buddy asked me how much did it cost, and I told him how much, but I could now hear EVERYTHING. He said, "Great, what kind is it?" And I said, "Oh, about 8:30."

BTW, this describes perfectly my life with my wife and my expensive hearing aids.

Edited by zigzag
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A distinguished, elderly clergyman flies into Amsterdam for an ecumenical conference.

Taxi drops him at his hotel and he goes to check in.  The receptionist confirms his reservation and room:

"Yes sir, you are on the 3rd floor, balcony, king-size bed, ensuite bath and toilet, phone, wireless internet, TV with all the channels -"

"What?" Says the clergyman. "Television?  I do hope the porn channel is disabled?"

The receptionist looks at him in disgust and says -

"No you pervert, it's a perfectly ordinary porn channel."

Edited by jdgm
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An Indian guru went to the dentist for the 1st time in many years, and had 4 fillings, 3 extractions and a root canal, all without anaesthetic.

 

 

He could transcend dental medication.........

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