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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus...

 

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar

 

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

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Bless me father for I have sinned. I can't stop singing the Barenaked Ladies. 

Priest: "how long has it been since your last confession?"

Me: "it's been......"

 

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A baby harp seal walks into a bar.]

The bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The baby harp seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

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On 6/13/2020 at 12:08 AM, jaxson50 said:

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

It's not France.

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1 hour ago, merciful-evans said:

 

quote-there-is-no-hell-there-is-only-fra

Frank always busted on France. On the Them Or Us album he has a song called In France.

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A lawyer dies and goes to heaven (I know, hard to believe) , he sees St. Peter and asks, "where am I?" ,

"Heaven" St. Peter replies,  the lawyer says, " but this isn't fair, I'm a young man in the prime of life,"

St. Peter looks at his book and flips a page, runs his finger down a line and says " ah, here, it says your 84, and that's the all the years you were allotted, "

The man says, "but I'm only 48!"

St. Peter looks again at the page and says, 

"We were going by your billing hours,"

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Pastor Bob dies and goes to heaven,  on his first day God invites him to have dinner with him,

Bob waits at the dinner table,  looking down through the clouds he sees the people in hell,  they are drinking wine, roasting a hog, dancing,. God walks up and hands him a tuna sandwich. 

The next day, God finds Bob and asks if he'd like to have lunch,  he offers Bob another tuna sandwich,  Bob looks down and sees everyonein hell having a big feast!  Ribs, corn, wine, Bob asks, " God, why do we only have tuna every day when those in hell are having big feast?" 

God says, " Why cook for just the two of us?"

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I'm going to stand outside, so that if anyone asks, I am outstanding. 

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England: "colour"

America: "color"

England: "humour"

America: "humor"

England: "flavour"

America: "flavor"

England: "What are you doing?"

America: "Getting rid of u" 

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I was having hearing issues, so I went to a specialist for hearing aids. He told me I could get a set for $500 that would improve my hearing, but better yet was a set for $1000. They'd significantly improve my hearing but for $5000, I could get a set that would allow me to hear EVERYTHING. I said, man I need that $5000 set, but because they're so expensive, how about I just get one for my right ear? He was okay with that, and I paid him $2500 and left.

Later, I was playing poker with my buds, and I was telling them about my new hearing aid... how it was just great and how I could hear everything. One buddy asked me how much did it cost, and I told him how much, but I could now hear EVERYTHING. He said, "Great, what kind is it?" And I said, "Oh, about 8:30."

BTW, this describes perfectly my life with my wife and my expensive hearing aids.

Edited by zigzag
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What did the bone player say to the guitarist on his way to a gig?

Did you want fries with that?

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Me:  "I recently switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack" 

Guy at the bar: "has she realized what you've done?"

Me: "not yet, but the thyme is cumin"

 

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