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I just left my job.  I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me. 

What did he say? 

"You're Fired!" 

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Guitarist: I want a great tone.

Devil: Give me your soul and you can have it.

Guitarist: Take my sins instead.

Devil: Your sins?!

Guitarist: Yeah. The priest is always telling me “a tone for your sins”

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A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me.  I'm addicted to Twitter!"  The doctor replies, 

"Sorry, I don't follow you..." 

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.  They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked  her experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,  but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, he asked, "What do you mean." "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and for the rest of the game,  all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'  I'm like, "Hello? It's only 25 cents!" 

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Apparently,  Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. 

Poor guy. 

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10 hours ago, Retired said:

Apparently,  Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. 

Poor guy. 

 

Doctor told me I should walk a mile every day for a month and then call him. 

He asked me how I got on. I told him I was 30 miles from home.

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Why did Scooby Doo leave Mystery Incorporated? 

The work was to Ruff. 

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Repeat this a few times:

"Rise up lights"

"Rise up lights"

"Rise up lights"

Congratulations, now you know how to say "razor blades" with an Australian accent. 

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6 hours ago, ghost_of_fl said:

Repeat this a few times:

"Rise up lights"

"Rise up lights"

"Rise up lights"

Congratulations, now you know how to say "razor blades" with an Australian accent. 

 

try it with 'beer can'.

Thats 'bacon' in a Caribbean accent.

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People have told me: "Betty, Facebook is a great way to get in touch with old friends". 

At my age, if I want to get in touch with old friends, I need a Ouija board. 

betty-white-first-lady-of-television.jpg

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On 8/1/2020 at 9:36 AM, ghost_of_fl said:

I like how Epiphones come with a 'not garbage' sticker just in case. 😄

You got a case with a Epiphone?  Oh my god..... I paid close to $900.00 for a limited custom and never got a case. Almost $700.00 for this last one and it won't have a case.  Didn't think Epiphone ever got the blue prints on how to make a guitar case. Lol

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Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?  

Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck. 

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Is it "Epiclone" or "Epidone"?  

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

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A man inside his house hears a knocking on his door, upon opening the door he sees nothing, and then looks down on the porch.

There is a snail, he picks it up and throws it as hard as he can.  A year later, there is a knocking on his door agin.  The snail says,  "What did you do that for?" 

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At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

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A pony goes into a bar and whispers, "Can I have some water please?"  Sure says the bartender, "Sore throat?" 

"No' says the pony, I'm just a little horse." 

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