Stupid Jokes

[jdgm]

Told with a musician's timing!

Edited November 4, 2020 by jdgm

[Rabs]

😄 

[Rabs]

[Retired]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sentenced to death by a firing squad, one by one.  While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape. The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she yells "Tornado!" As the soldiers duck for cover, she scales the wall of the prison and escapes to freedom.   The redhead is next. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she yells "EARTHQUAKE!" As the soldiers duck for cover, she scales the wall of the prison and escapes to freedom. 

Last is the blonde. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she yells "FIRE!" 

[jdgm]

A workman is digging a hole at some road works next to traffic lights.

A large, chauffeur driven black car pulls up alongside him as the light is red.

The workman looks at the blacked-out side windows trying to see in, and then suddenly the man in the back lets the electric window down.

The wokman says - "That's a lovely car you have, it must have cost a lot of money."

The guy in the back says - "Thankyou.  I am in shipping, you see -  I work for Cunard."

The workman says - "Well I work f***in' hard too but I can't afford a car like that!"

Edited November 23, 2020 by jdgm

[Retired]

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him.  Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"  Husband:  "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up so I kept falling on my face!"  Wife: 

"Idiot, You left your wheelchair at the bar!" 

[Retired]

12 hours ago, ghost_of_fl said:

I just spit out my coffee on this one.  If you don't get it, check out "The Queens Gambit" on Netflix.   

The Queens Gambit!  Accepted, d4 d5, c4 dxc4.    Declined, d4 d5, c4 e6.  Lol.  I've been playing since I was a toddler, I have been told many times. 

[Retired]

25 minutes ago, ghost_of_fl said:

I'm half Russian, no way I grew up not knowing how to play chess.  I stopped playing for a long time (mostly because I don't have many people to play with) but this Netflix series got me into it again.   I've been playing against the computer. 

WOW, Where were you at in my younger days. Yes, Russians are taught as part of the curriculum in school by grandmasters to play chess.  Basically forced to do it. Thats why so many are superb with chess. My mom told me my Uncle started me with chess ay 2. At least teaching me. As long as I can remember, I loved it. I have a whole shelf of chess books. At my height, I could think 13 moves in advance in 3 different positions.  This one tournament I played in,  I was beating the highest rated player there, than I got such a splitting headache I never had before. I couldn't even see straight. My whole head hurt and I wanted to just get it over with. I was like a pawn and 3 m,ajor pieces ahead as he tried a Qambit when I looked it over very good and saw it was just a bluff. Like I said, It cost him and I had the game won in 5 different versions I could play. I just threw the game and went to my moms house putting a cold pack on my head. I went back for my 2nd round and resigned the rest of my games. Later, I found out I indeed had a cancerous brain tumor and it was advanced so much I needed surgery now or I would be dead in 2 days they said. Thats when, I forgot all that I learned and anyone could beat me it seemed. I had revenge in my ,mind though for that guy I lost to in that tournament.  Funny you mentioned Russian players.  I bought several Russian  Master chess books and studied them while playing my Gary Kasparov Turbo chess computer. I lost a lot but then started beating it pretty good. I went back to another tournament Playing more like an Russian in the openings and beat the highest rated player there.  He was an expert rated player and then I beat 3 other expert rated players after that.  Heh, I got my revenge, and then I dropped back out of chess Haha.  Anyway, great on You Ghost, You don't hear much about players that play like Russians. They do play different than US players.  I never played a Master though, Probably would get my butt kicked good? 

[Retired]

6 hours ago, ghost_of_fl said:

That is so cool - I never got to play in any tournaments.  I dropped it at a pretty young age.  Sounds like you would beat me badly every time.  Some of the computer simulations these days have a "grandmaster" setting and for me, it's unbeatable.   I used to play on instincts plus the opening moves my father and grandfather taught me.   Growing up in New York that was enough to beat most kids I came up against haha.  If you have access to Netflix, I very highly recommend that series (The Queen's Gambit).  It's seriously one of the best things I've ever seen on TV. 

Yes, we have Netflix. I hardly ever get on it though, About the only 2 I watch anymore are Prime video and Youtube. You Tube has a lot of artists I watch painting styles. Thats another thing I do. Art.  I have a friend that is a expert rated player, next step up over A rating.  Before I got into Russian chess, he would beat me 30 games straight. Afterwards we played, The game was a draw. He refused to accept that so wanted to play agin. This time I beat him good. That was the last game we ever played together. He was the 3rd  expert I beat. One tournament I played, my opponent resigned his 4th round. I just sat there waiting for my 5th round. This one guy, rated as an expert told me, he was finished with his round and would love to play me.  So we did. My gosh, it was like both guns drawn out blazing, It was all I could do to defend. Once he was out of bullets, he had nothing at all. I planned way ahead and saw a trap I could go for. He would have to look 12 moves in advance to see the trap though. It was worth the gamble.  The trap was a free pawn I played advancing it 2 squares. Gosh, I thought he would see it as he studied the board for 15 20 minutes.  By the way, If someone offers you a free piece, Beware! He took the pond and I had a great sigh of relief. The following moves were all FORCED moves. and it would be very bad results for him rather he took them or not. It went fast till the last move and he stopped.  He saw the trap. He was in check and had to move his king and I would win his Queen clear without me loosing a piece.  I WIN. or, He captures the piece I had him in check with and saves his queen and my Night moves to Mate his King.  He laid his King down and shook my hand.  Then looked at my low rating that I intentionally left low, G rating I think it is, and told me, Your'e no G rated player I tell you that.  Haha. I leave it like that to get those  cocky players, but I don't play much at all anymore, Just computers now. Mine goes up to Master rating and I think it may have a Grandmaster on it but not sure? One guy at a tournament made me mad. I beat him down good. His rating was a High A, and about to be turned over to an Expert that day if he beat me.  Like I said I think I was E at that time.  He knew it too, We played fast for awhile, (I played speed chess a lot, My friend would take 5 minutes to play the whole game and give me 30 minutes. So I practiced that a lot long ago.) Anyway, I set him up in a trap and when he saw he lost, He grabbed his king and slammed it down in the board and it bounced up hitting my chin. The crown cut me bleeding. I was ticked. I was going to tell him not to feel so bad, but he had such a crapy attitude, I let him go thinking he got beat by a nobody.  His rating dropped way down and mine went up to a G, Lol. See, If you don't play tournaments often, Your ratings drop back down low again. Haha.  I'm a pistol Huh? 

[Kmonk]

One day C, E-flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

[Retired]

Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners? 

So the rest of the band can understand them! 

[Rabs]

[Retired]

Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car. He has to get rid of it, though.  Every time he turns a

corner, the tires squeal. 

[sparquelito]

We all just got the bad news that Grandpa is addicted to Viagra. 

The one taking it the hardest is Grandma. 

😐

[Retired]

Unhappy Sergeant:   Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.  As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir, I can explain," said the soldier. "This better be good," responded his sergeant.  So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. "Sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse but it dropped dead on me. In the end I had to run 10 miles but I am here now." Sergeant Wilson was skeptical about the soldier's explanation but at least he'd made it back to camp. The sergeant thought about it momentarily and then decided he'd let the soldier off this time. A couple minutes later, eight more of Sergeant Wilson's men ran up to the camp gates, panting heavily. The sergeant demanded explanations for why they were all late and each one of them all told the exact same story.   Sergeant Wilson eyed them all suspiciously but since he'd decided to be lenient with the first soldier, he decided that it would only be fair to excuse them all too . A few minutes later, the tenth and final soldier came running up to the camp gates, panting heavily. "And where have you been?" Snapped  Sergeant Wilson.  The soldier quickly responded, "sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch a bus but missed it. So I hailed a cab but....."  Sergeant Wilson interrupted him immediately, "Let me guess soldier, It broke down?" 

"No sir," said the soldier, "There were so many dead horses in the road it took forever for the cab driver to find a way around them all!"  Haha. 

[merciful-evans]

free: washer drier. collection only

[MissouriPicker]

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says “WTF!”

[MissouriPicker]

To get away from the stress, my wife and I have turned-off the news and begun watching serial killer documentaries for relaxation.

[MissouriPicker]

There are lots of stages of being drunk.  The ultimate stage is when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

[Rabs]

[Rabs]

[MissouriPicker]

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather!  Not like the screaming passengers in his car.

[Mr. Gibson]

6 hours ago, MissouriPicker said:

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather!  Not like the screaming passengers in his car.

Hehe good one.👍🏻

[Pinch]

On 11/30/2020 at 2:10 AM, ghost_of_fl said:

😄😄😄😄😄

[jdgm]

Incidentally -

Don Rendell was a superb musician and a wise teacher.

I took a short jazz course at the Guildhall many years ago and he was one of the senior tutors.