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Stupid Jokes

Mr. Gibson

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45 minutes ago, Retired said:

A pony goes into a bar and whispers, "Can I have some water please?"  Sure says the bartender, "Sore throat?" 

"No' says the pony, I'm just a little horse." 


This is part of the extremely stupid joke I didn't tell the whole of,  at the bottom of P1 of this thread.

So in response to overwhelming demand.......[biggrin]


Shakespeare walks into a pub with a dog, a Shetland pony, a leopard and a giraffe on a bicycle.

The landlord says to Shakespeare "I'm not serving you, you're bard."

The landlord turns to the dog and says "do you want a pint, or a half?"   The dog says "arf".

The landlord turns to the Shetland pony and says "why the long face?"  The Shetland pony coughs and says "sorry, I'm a little horse".

The landlord turns to the leopard and says "you again! You were spotted, creeping around here last week - you and that bloody giraffe."  And turning to all of them he says;

"OUT! The lot of you! GET OUT OF MY PUB!"

They all turn round and rush out of the door and the giraffe on his bicycle hits his head - Bang! and collapses - spark out - in the doorway.

"Oi!" Shouts the landlord "You can't leave that lyin' there!"

And they all turn round and say -

"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."





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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

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The only stupid joke I ever memorized is this one.      A blind man walks into a bar and orders a drink and sits down, then says, "Heh bartender, wanna hear a blonde joke?"  The bartender answered him.  "Sir, there's a 200 lb. rugby player sitting at your right and a 260 lb. linebacker that plays for the NFL sitting to your left.  A 280 lb. bodybuilder is over at the far table and right in front of you is a Blackbelt in Kung Fu. All 4 guys, including myself are all blonde."  "Now think about it, Do you really want to tell that joke?"  The guy thinks and then says:  

"Nah, Not if I have to tell it 5 times." 

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Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”

The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”

He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”

He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”

The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

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A poodle & a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess." he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."  "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist ?" suggests the collie. 

"I can't," says the poodle.  "I'm not allowed on the couch!" 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 9/9/2020 at 8:24 PM, Sgt. Pepper said:

What do a gynacologist and a pizza deliverey guy have in common.

 They both get to smell it but never eat it.

Going to hell for sure.


Speaking of gynecologists... Do you know how a woman can tell if her gynecologist has a thing for her?


He "forgets" to put on the rubber glove.


(If not to Hell, at least France.)

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Two hunters are in the woods when one collapses. He's not breathing & his eyes are glazed. The other guy quickly calls 911.  "I think my friend is dead, what can I do?" 

The operator says, "Calm down, first let's make sure he's dead."  There's a silence, then a shot.  Back on th phone, "OK, Now What?" 

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