Notes_Norton Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Subject: CHRISTMAS PARTY MEMO To: All Employees I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ----------------------------------------------- December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Winter Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ----------------------------------------------- December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non_drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange__ no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ----------------------------------------------- December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES It has been brought to my attention that some of our employees celebrate Ramadan as their high holiday. I had no idea we had such a diverse work force. The "Winter Holiday Party" will now be renamed the "Winter Solstice Party". Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ----------------------------------------------- December 4th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I have been informed that the Winter Solstice is a religious day for some pagan sects, so the party has been renamed the "Winter Holiday Party". Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director ----------------------------------------------- December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet Pregnant women will sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Is everybody happy now? Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director ----------------------------------------------- December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people - nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO as Santa. While "Santa" does happen to be an anagram for "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis Human Ratraces ----------------------------------------------- December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians __ I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The ***** from Hell ----------------------------------------------- December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Patty Lewis is on her way to recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Winter Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichCI Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Another oldie: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjl200 Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Christmas shopping................................. The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. Happy Holidays................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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