Jump to content
Gibson Brands Forums

How do you handle rudeness?


drathbun

Recommended Posts

Twice a year, once at Christmas and once on our Anniversary, my wife and I invite friends to come to our home for a party. Our annual anniversary BBQ was yesterday. After much socializing, imbibing and eating, the guitars come out. I have a couple friends that play but they were not able to attend yesterday so I spent a few hours in the evening around a fire pit playing and singing. There are a number of singers in the group, so the harmonies were very nice.

 

As it is a social situation, I tend to try to play a song and then let conversation run, then play another. I don't like to monopolize the 'floor' because I know this is one of the only opportunities some of these people have to see each other. I also don't mind a bit being "background noise" as people have conversations while I'm playing and singing.

 

However, last night I was completely stunned when a woman sitting right beside me was having a very loud (because I'm singing and playing a loud song) conversation with the woman sitting on the other side of me. She actually leaned over, cupped her hand and yelled OVER the music to the other woman. It made me completely lose my place, the chords the lyrics, everything. I carried on after stumbling badly but it really shook me. Now this isn't a pub, this is MY HOME!

 

This woman later commented, during the song, that I had made an error in one of the chord sequences. This woman is a jazz singer and sings at various clubs in town. I try my best to make my guests feel comfortable and welcome in my home, so I rarely make a fuss when someone is rude. This was no exception but I suspect she will not be on the guest list in the future.

 

I think it is easier to deal with drunkenness or rudeness when you're in a pub because you can just let that crowd of anonymous people wash over you. But when they are guests in your home, it is different. It still bothers me today. [smile]

 

The evening ended beautifully though, with a full moon rising and just a few close friends around the fire sipping wine while I played "Tangled Up In You" and Neil Young's "Harvest Moon".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know it sounds like you were trying to do a nice thing and have a pleasant evening and were crashed by a boor. Not really my business, but you did ask so;

 

Life is too short to voluntarily have rude people around you. Don't invite her back. Your home, your music. Doubtful she was yelling anything of consequence anyway as the louder they are, often the more air in the head.

 

As to her comment about your playing after she caused you to stumble (happens to us all), if you did not suggest she use grease to remove her head from where she clearly had it planted, you are clearly a gentleman.

 

Don't sweat the fools.

 

Doc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Me I would have smiled , stopped and asked her to "Since I'm in the middle of your conversation let me know when your done because I can't listen to you and play at the same Time......Thanks"...Then just wait smiling at her.

 

 

[smile]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glad it the evening ended up on some enjoyable tunes. So what was the "loud song" where she cupped her hands?

 

She may have felt it was too loud for the moment (you mentioned her proximity), & the cupped hands were her trying

 

to tell you such. If I'm in a jam & someone, i.e, banjo player, is playing too loud, I'll shut down my playing to almost

 

stopping-playing. It is tough when people are there to "catch up", & listening is less of a priority. That's

 

why I honestly only hang out with musicians; though it does get to be a situation like what you're talking about when

 

the significant others get to talking. They could retreat a bit, if it's during a song. That would be nice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As a singer, she must have known how her loud conversation was affecting the song. Another case of "booze brings out the best" in some people. You know, after she sobers up, I would have a conversation with her about how you feel. If she blows you off, then you can blow her off the guest list next time....If it happens again, ask them to move or sit together AWAY from the music. Man, I understand how you feel, it is tough enough for me to play in front of others without distractions....lol.....by the way, that woman wasn't GG was it?....lol....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As a singer' date=' she must have known how her loud conversation was affecting the song. Another case of "booze brings out the best" in some people. You know, after she sobers up, I would have a conversation with her about how you feel. If she blows you off, then you can blow her off the guest list next time....If it happens again, ask them to move or sit together AWAY from the music. Man, I understand how you feel, it is tough enough for me to play in front of others without distractions....lol.....by the way, that woman wasn't GG was it?....lol....[/quote']

 

No NO! It wasn't our Karen. In fact, when it was happening, what went through my mind was, next year Karen is coming to the BBQ and this woman is off the list! [cool]

 

If you have heard GG sing, you'll know she has a sweet delicate voice, nothing like that VAVOOM that this lady belted out!

 

eskimogood.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Something similar happen to me few days ago:

I was out of internet space for my holiday at the seaside (where I bring only my Yamaha sapele laminate)

And getting back home I find someone who had written on my facebook wall things that I dont accept...

What to do.

What????????????

In those situations I know one thing - I have to stand my own ground.

If a woman - jazz - singer knows the chord sequences of the song I play I'd suggest her to play it for me with the right chord sequence (but not before everyone - just for me - so I'll be able to know her right chord sequences).

......................................................................

The basic truth for me here is that:

There are a lot of people around me.

Some of them like me.

They are my fans.

The other half don't like me - one part of them will never like my performances and so they are out.

The other half may be some day will hear me - I SING EVERY TIME TO LET THEM HEAR.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My pal Frank Fotusky was playing a gig in Maine a few years back and some folks apparently decided that they were the show and he was the muzak. As he later said "I tried not to disturb them." Funny, though, I though you were setting up to talk about musicians dominating the jam. A whole other can of worms. J

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I don't see it as all that rude. We do these kinds of things several times a year and folks came over to eat, socialize and have some fun but not necessarily to attend a concert. There are always folks at our shindigs that just do not want to sit around the fire pit and sing Harvesy Moon.

 

Letting something like that incident get under your skin just isn't worth it. So don't invite her to the next hootenanny.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, that is downright Rude with a capital R. And she's a musician to boot? [love] She should know better than a non-musician that THAT is rude. I would have been stunned! Good for you for keeping on going.

 

Oh, and I agree with the idea of booting her out and inviting me! :- (Don't expect me to sing tho'..... <where's the 'vomit' smiley?>)

 

Edit: Doug, wasn't that moon last night absolutely gorgeous!!! I was driving home from the stable and I had the windows rolled down, the roof off my car, and the cassette player cranked. It was grand!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

drathbun, it seems clear to me this person was in the wrong, and I'm pretty sure you're aware of that. People like this exist, and unfortunately, we encounter them fairly regularly.

 

So why post this? Seems to me you're looking for support. If you're in the right (and I believe YOU ARE), why seek a chorus of approval? Why not just be content in the knowledge you were in the right? Did this episode really bother you that much that you need an internet forum to back you up?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

drathbun' date=' it seems clear to me this person was in the wrong, and I'm pretty sure you're aware of that. People like this exist, and unfortunately, we encounter them fairly regularly.

 

So why post this? Seems to me you're looking for support. If you're in the right (and I believe YOU ARE), why seek a chorus of approval? Why not just be content in the knowledge you were in the right? Did this episode really bother you that much that you need an internet forum to back you up?[/quote']

 

I guess it was the fact that the person being rude was a musican herself and that really irked me. It meant there was little if any respect for me as a fellow musicans. I guess I've been lucky that the musicians I have known and played with have all been generous, supportive and understanding people. My brother in law is a professional bluegrass mandolin player (Randall Hill of Streets and Hills for those of you that follow Bluegrass) an he is the most supportive and generous musican I've ever met. So I'm used to getting together with other musicans and having this wonderful camaraderie feeling happening. So when this happened it was rather shocking.

 

I consider this forum a community of generous and supportive musicans as well and I guess that's the main reason I shared my experience. Also, to elicit other similar experiences; which it has. :-

 

GG: The moon last night was stunning! I'm glad you saw it. Next year... closest Saturday to the 25th of July... save the date! [love]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess it was the fact that the person being rude was a musican herself and that really irked me. It meant there was little if any respect for me as a fellow musicans. I guess I've been lucky that the musicians I have known and played with have all been generous' date=' supportive and understanding people.[/quote']

 

And most are! But there's always that "one." I'm just surprised with our experience (i.e. our age), anyone would be surprised that "one" is out there.

 

Don't misunderstand - you have my support. I'm just a bit baffled why you're surprised by this behavior. It is fairly typical, even if many of us have been fortunate to not encounter it.

 

Cheers,

BKH

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And most are! But there's always that "one." I'm just surprised with our experience (i.e. our age)' date=' anyone would be surprised that "one" is out there.

 

Don't misunderstand - you have my support. I'm just a bit baffled why you're surprised by this behavior. It is fairly typical, even if many of us have been fortunate to not encounter it.

 

Cheers,

BKH[/quote']

 

I think BKH said what I was trying to utter far better. Yeah, I do understand what kinda aggravation this kinda stuff causes but anybody who has spent any time gigging - especially in the somewhat less than genteel places - deals with all kinds of nonsense. Certainly not all of the time but there are those moments. You not only have to have the chops but the temperment to deal with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think BKH said what I was trying to utter far better. Yeah' date=' I do understand what kinda aggravation this kinda stuff causes but anybody who has spent any time gigging - especially in the somewhat less than genteel places - deals with all kinds of nonsense. Certainly not all of the time but there are those moments. You not only have to have the chops but the temperment to deal with it. [/quote']

Which is why I will continue to play in my house with my friends who lie and tell me I'm good [cool]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Which is why I will continue to play in my house with my friends who lie and tell me I'm good [biggrin]

 

 

It has got to beat trying to get paid from a bar owner who feels he did not do enough business to warrent him paying the full amount he promised. Then again, there were those nights when it all fell together and the rush you got was like nothing else on the face of the planet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If the guests came over with the specific intent of listening to you perform, then yes I would say this was definitely rude and easily resolved by not inviting this particular guest back again. On the other hand, if folks were coming over primarily to party, converse and have a good time and you've casually broken out the guitar in the middle of such an atmosphere, then I'd still say this is still a bit rude, but not nearly as much. Bottom line: Unless your performance was one of the main reasons people were attending that night and as long as your guests had a good time and enjoyed the party, I'd hope that you don't let this bother you too much. Bear in mind that this view is coming from someone who much prefers very small (often impromptu) gatherings to large parties.

 

Flip-side comment: you can always share your music here, we'll gladly listen!

 

All the best,

Guth

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If the guests came over with the specific intent of listening to you perform' date=' then yes I would say this was definitely rude and easily resolved by not inviting this particular guest back again. On the other hand, if folks were coming over primarily to party, converse and have a good time and you've casually broken out the guitar in the middle of such an atmosphere, then I'd still say this is still a bit rude, but not nearly as much. Bottom line: Unless your performance was one of the main reasons people were attending that night and as long as your guests had a good time and enjoyed the party, I'd hope that you don't let this bother you too much. Bear in mind that this view is coming from someone who much prefers very small (often impromptu) gatherings to large parties.

 

Flip-side comment: you can always share your music here, we'll gladly listen!

 

All the best,

Guth

 

[/quote']

 

Diplomatic and well-considered, Guth. Well done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A few months ago Mrs AJ and I were invited to dinner by some friends who we had not seen socially for a couple of years. There were about 5 couples all of who used to have children at the same Primary School. You know the drill.

 

The host's son play the guitar and his mother thought it would be a great idea to cart his PRS and Marshall from downstairs and set it up.................................for me! The copious amounts of Gin and Tonic and Cab Sauv had nothing to do with this you understand.

 

Well I had a great time. But when asked to play a few songs, which would normally be acoustic, it came out all wrong. I think most people had a good little sing-song but one guest thought a discussion about his forthcoming bonus from his employer (recently bailed out by our Government to the tune of several £Billion) was far more interesting.

 

Since then I avoid these situations. If people want to come to one of my gigs to have a good time then great. If not, that's fine too. But sometimes it's hard to compete with people who have to be the centre of attention.............and have big gobs!

 

Sorry to ramble, but this is a common problem it seems.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not having read other responses:

 

If, as I gathered from your post, you didn't intend for this to be a performance, rather an informal backgroundish music, then let it go.

 

Yes, this is your HOME but from the jazz singer's point of view, this is NOT a pub, i.e. an entertainment gig where that kind of next to the performer's chair, loud talking is not usually acceptable. ie. to her it was informal. In my opinion, it was poor judgment on her part to try to continue her conversation in a chair next to you and probably should have taken her conversation partner a comfortable distance away.

 

If you miss a line or such, vamp through it and end it until she gets a tired back side and heads for the hors-dourves table or another klatch on the other side of the back yard, then pick up where you left off.

 

You might be surprised. Some of your other guests may shush her.

 

While it is Your house, Your party, YOU are the host. You have to put up with this kind of thing. Unless a guest commits an egregious insult or behavior worthy of being picked up by the scruff of the neck and back-of-the-pants belt loop and tossed out on his / her keister,... you have to smile [cool] and be the good host.

 

However... for her to critique your chord progression and missed lyrics was either the result of too much likker or just lack of good up bringing. Black List her. Had she been male she'd likely fall into the keister tossing category. Actually, for the sake of the other guests, I'd have pulled her aside and asked if you could call her a cab. Or... let your wife do the keister tossing.... out of view of the other guests.

 

If the evening ended on a beautiful note, forget the whole, minute, sordid part of the evening and remember the good stuff.... and be sure to edit the guest list.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Interesting responses! Again, my purpose for posting this was partly to vent and partly to share the experience and hear others. This IS a community where we share our guitar experiences correct? I felt the post was appropriate for the foum. And, yes, I'm mature enough to handle the situation, just not polished enough a performer to do with without flinching while being deafened in my right ear.

 

This is for Guth: [biggrin]

 

Harvest Moon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...