livemusic Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 EDIT: Disregard this post, just let the thread die for now, please. My apologies, I'd been drinking and reacted as if a couple of people were 'messing with me' with their posts. Whiskey made me do it. === Here is a song I need feedback on. I don't think I have posted here, I can't find it. HELP ME OUT! (Please comment, good or bad.) Please be honest, I am a serious songwriter and need honest feedback, as I am choosing songs for an album. This is one of my Gibson Gospels. I recorded this in too low a key for my voice, needs bumped up a half step. Let me know how this song works for you or if you have any comments whatsoever. The song, not the recording, it's a rough demo. It's an 'edgy' song, an unusual storyline. And a little bit of unusual structure. AUDIO HERE: http://www.ttmbandroom.com/index.php?t=audio_player&song_id=1186 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tman Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 I love it on many levels. I can hear this as a completed song including bass, percussion etc. guitar - great chords, great transitions I think the chorus and bridge fit perfectly. vocals - great for this song. To me Jack Johnson meets Johnny Cash meets Jackie Green (I mean that as a compliment). Words and story line: Great take on the classic good versus evil and you even keep people guessing as to whose side you're on with the gambling and drinking scenario including a good understanding of the subtlties of each. I had the feeling there were metaphorical references throughout: . Did I way over analyze? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livemusic Posted December 19, 2011 Author Share Posted December 19, 2011 I love it on many levels. I can hear this as a completed song including bass, percussion etc. guitar - great chords, great transitions I think the chorus and bridge fit perfectly. vocals - great for this song. To me Jack Johnson meets Johnny Cash meets Jackie Green (I mean that as a compliment). Words and story line: Great take on the classic good versus evil and you even keep people guessing as to whose side you're on with the gambling and drinking scenario including a good understanding of the subtlties of each. I had the feeling there were metaphorical references throughout: . Did I way over analyze? Well, I kinda like your analysis! See, yours is the kind of response I hoped to get for such a song 'on the edge.' Yet, I truly don't know, that's why I need more people to respond with whether it works or not. I mean, a song about a guy drinking too much and having a dream about Jesus and Satan playing a game of World Championship Poker is not exactly mainstream. Yet, edgy songs can do great. Because they're edgy. I'll say this... it wasn't easy to write that story. It was hard as the dickens to make those verses work to come up with those card hands. But, difficulty doesn't matter. All that matters is whether it resonates with people. Like, hey, cool song! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
larryp58 Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 Bill, good songwriting and playing. I can see where you were going with this song and what you're trying to get across. BUT, I figured that out in the first 5-10 seconds. Left me waiting on something to keep me in the song. A good song, just don't think it'll be the big hit on your CD. (and I'm saying this in a very positive, constructive critisizing way! You asked!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buc McMaster Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 .....I figured that out in the first 5-10 seconds. I'm with Larry here. The whole hand is played in the first verse, there's no further mystery about who's involved, what's going on and even the outcome is revealed (no one's gonna figure Satan to come up a winner against Jesus!). Fine job of working the cards dealt into the rhyme and meter, and I think it's an excellent premise for a song. But hold something back early on, e.i. don't reveal who the players are, or the stakes, quite so soon in the story. Setup the poker game as you did, maybe describe an unsavory character or two watching from the sideline, or spend a line or two painting a picture of the room...........draw the listener into the tale with little photographs, what they might see it they were there. Save the punch line for later in the game. Great idea for a song! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
retrorod Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 Your song works for me, Bill. Very clever bit of song-crafting. Great guitar and vocal sound... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livemusic Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 Bill, good songwriting and playing. I can see where you were going with this song and what you're trying to get across. BUT, I figured that out in the first 5-10 seconds. I don't believe you. Tell me what you really mean. And Buc. C'mon, tell me where you're coming from. No way did you get that in 5 to 10 seconds. EDIT: See apology below. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livemusic Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 I'm with Larry here. The whole hand is played in the first verse, there's no further mystery about who's involved... Bullshit. I am not being defensive. Really. But that comment is bullshit. Come back at me. EDIT: See apology below. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j45nick Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 Bullshit. I am not being defensive. Really. But that comment is bullshit. Come back at me. Sorry, but I agree with the others. It's a good tune, but it's pretty obvious where it's going right away. There's nothing wrong with that. Songs like this are about telling tales, and making the listener want to hear, even though he knows how it's going to come out. After all, you're still around to tell the tale, and you do a good job of it. Let's face it: is Jesus going to lose a game played for a man's soul? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livemusic Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 Sorry, but I agree with the others. It's a good tune, but it's pretty obvious where it's going right away. There's nothing wrong with that. Songs like this are about telling tales, and making the listener want to hear, even though he knows how it's going to come out. After all, you're still around to tell the tale, and you do a good job of it. Let's face it: is Jesus going to lose a game played for a man's soul? So, did you want to hear more? Thanks for your time. And all you others, thanks for your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buc McMaster Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 HELP ME OUT! (Please comment, good or bad.) Please be honest, I am a serious songwriter and need honest feedback.... Let me know how this song works for you or if you have any comments whatsoever. EDIT: By the way, if you don't care for it, please say so. Need to know if this song works. I have plenty of songs, be honest Really? You present your song for critique.....no, you ask for critique and then you react like that?. Apparently you weren't ready for anything other than unconditional praise. I praised what I think is praise-worthy and gave you honest feedback for a serious songwriter otherwise. Seems "any comments whatsoever" is not what you really wanted to hear. Sorry to offend, but you asked for an honest appraisal........the above is mine. Geez. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisA83 Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 "Three sixes beats eights paired to aces" Jesus actually had a full house - sixes full of eights! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livemusic Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 Really? You present your song for critique.....no, you ask for critique and then you react like that?. Apparently you weren't ready for anything other than unconditional praise. I praised what I think is praise-worthy and gave you honest feedback for a serious songwriter otherwise. Seems "any comments whatsoever" is not what you really wanted to hear. Sorry to offend, but you asked for an honest appraisal........the above is mine. Geez. All I can do is apologize. That was whiskey talking. The song being autobiographical. Going through some tough times, sweet thang left, served as pallbearer for a too-young-to-die friend couple of days ago. I know everybody has plenty of troubles, but the holidays kind of got to me. I would never react like that sober. You're a fine musician. My apologies to you and others in this thread, I'm embarrassed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j45nick Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 All I can do is apologize. That was whiskey talking. The song being autobiographical. Going through some tough times, sweet thang left, served as pallbearer for a too-young-to-die friend couple of days ago. I know everybody has plenty of troubles, but the holidays kind of got to me. I would never react like that sober. You're a fine musician. My apologies to you and others in this thread, I'm embarrassed. Being an artist means taking risks. We all get invested in our work--sometimes too invested to see the forest for the trees. Keep writing, and keep singing. There are many, many singer/songwriters on this forum, representing every possible level of competence and artistic talent. It's a supportive community, but like every artistic community, honest criticism is part of the process of growth. Don't take artistic criticism as a personal attack, because it's not. Look at it as an opportunity for development. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
larryp58 Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 Don't take artistic criticism as a personal attack, because it's not. Exactly, J45nick! Like I said before, you asked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tman Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 All I can do is apologize. That was whiskey talking. The song being autobiographical. Going through some tough times, sweet thang left, served as pallbearer for a too-young-to-die friend couple of days ago. I know everybody has plenty of troubles, but the holidays kind of got to me. I would never react like that sober. You're a fine musician. My apologies to you and others in this thread, I'm embarrassed. Hey onward and upward, been there with a drunk post before. I once thought I'd made a mistake.........but was mistaken. I like the song and thought it was catchy, would like to hear it produced. It's funny how those things go but of the 20 or so songs I've written and have played to friends and family, the ones I thought were sure hits turned out to be mediocre hits to those who heard it and one song called "No Instructions" (about not being given a life handbook) that I thought was so-so, they all love. Go figure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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