BluesKing777 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Tools Explained 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. 2. WIRE WHEEL:Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****!' 3. SKILL SAW:A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short or electical cords a smaller length. Name does not necessarily imply the intellect of the operator. 4. PLIERS:Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. 5. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. 6. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. 7. VISE-GRIPS:Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 8. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. 9. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 10. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 11. BAND SAW:A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 12. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 13. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 14. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. 15. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 16. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. 17. HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. 18. UTILITY KNIFE:Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes or appendages, but only while in use. 19. SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Hope you found this informative.
retrorod Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Thats too funny, BK. A lot of truth and irony there. Very clever... RRod
j45nick Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Skill saw: an effective tool for removing fingers from the hand holding the object being cut.
DanvillRob Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Skill saw: an effective tool for removing fingers from the hand holding the object being cut. My greatest fear!
pfox14 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 That's a great way to start my day - LMFAO. I've done everyone of those things with everyone of those tools.
j45nick Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 My greatest fear! Didn't seem to slow him down, did it Bob?
DanvillRob Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Didn't seem to slow him down, did it Bob? No...he seemed to do okay for hisself! Last year a the dog show I help put on, (Woofstock), we had a drawing for an original photo of Jerry at Madison Square Garden, by MSG's 'house photographer'. We asked Jerry's wife, Debbie to present the award to the winner! That's Debbie in the white hat.
DanvillRob Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 "Woofstock"? I'm dyin' here! HEY! It's a big deal here..... we've been putting on this show since 2008....and already we've been nominated for "show of the year' twice! Last year, we didn't win....we'll find out next week, (the award ceremony is during the Westminister show!). It's based on Woodstock, so the exhibitors normally dress in 60's garb! (of course, I do all the music for the show).
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