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Have you got any good bass player jokes?

Homz

By Homz
in Gibson USA

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SRV-Zeppelin

SRV-Zeppelin

Posted
Posted

Q - How do you confuse a bassist?

 

A - Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him which one!

 

 

 

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A - Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice

 

 

 

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A - One, but the guitarist has to show him first

 

 

 

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A - Six, one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light

 

 

 

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A - One. Five. One. Five.

 

 

 

Q - Why do bands have bass players?

 

A - To translate for the drummer.

 

 

 

Q - Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?

 

A - It took two hours to get the drummer out.

 

 

 

Q - Why did the bass player get angry with the lead guitarist?

 

A - The lead guitarist turned a string and wouldn't say which one.

 

 

 

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

 

A - None, The Lead player can do it with his teeth.

 

 

 

Q - What's the definition of a bass player?

 

A - Halfway between a drummer and a musician.

 

 

 

Q - Why do bands have bass players?

 

A - To translate for the drummer.

 

 

 

Q - How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?

 

A - Pay for the pizza.

 

 

 

Q - What's the difference between a Bassist and a rhino that's just eaten a tin of baked beans?

 

A - One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is a rhino.

 

 

 

Q - What's the difference between a bass player and a Duracell battery?

 

A - The Duracell battery has a good life.

 

 

 

Q - Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?

 

A - Even a virus has some pride

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SRV-Zeppelin

SRV-Zeppelin

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Q: What's the difference between a professional bass player and a medium sized pizza?

A: A medium sized pizza can feed a family.

 

I prefer my version:

 

Q: What's the difference between a professional bass player and a medium sized pizza?

 

A: A medium sized pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven.

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hgs

hgs

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I prefer my version:

 

Q: What's the difference between a professional bass player and a medium sized pizza?

 

A: A medium sized pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven.

 

 

i logged in to this forum specifically to respond to you. maybe you are not up on history (or worse, maybe you are), but the concept of putting people in ovens is related to the holocaust. the germans burned jews in ovens by the thousands. i heard this joke when i was a kid (with "jew" used instead of "bass player"), and being jewish, it didn't have the best impact on me then, and still doesn't now. i thought i'd let you know, as when i was a kid, i didn't know how to handle racism.

 

if i am unaware of some reason to think bass players were put into ovens, and my sensitivity to this being related to a jewish joke is out of line - please correct me.

 

greg

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Thundergod

Thundergod

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Posted

 

 

i logged in to this forum specifically to respond to you. maybe you are not up on history (or worse' date=' maybe you are), but the concept of putting people in ovens is related to the holocaust. the germans burned jews in ovens by the thousands. i heard this joke when i was a kid (with "jew" used instead of "bass player"), and being jewish, it didn't have the best impact on me then, and still doesn't now. i thought i'd let you know, as when i was a kid, i didn't know how to handle racism.

 

if i am unaware of some reason to think bass players were put into ovens, and my sensitivity to this being related to a jewish joke is out of line - please correct me.

 

greg

[/quote']

 

You are totally out of line mister... logging in to a forum because there is a section for jokes about bassmen and someone mentioned putting them into ovens? You think they really are baking bass players? Really?

 

C'mon... you were surfing the net for "baking a bassman" recipies? It's the only way I think you could have ended up in this forum, and even then, that doesnt mean we were baking any bassmen... not even bass shaped cookies... :)

 

Of course I could be lying... and maybe we were actually baking jew bass players here... or black bass players... or yellow black players... and why not, south american bass players...

 

 

----- ----- ------ ----- -----

 

 

 

I don't even want to think what would had happened if I had made this one:

 

A jew, a bassplayer and a woman are thrown from a 30 story building...

Q: who crashes first?

A: who cares?

 

 

...wait... I just did... eusa_whistle.gif (let them come...)

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hgs

hgs

Posted
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You are totally out of line mister... logging in to a forum because there is a section for jokes about bassmen and someone mentioned putting them into ovens? You think they really are baking bass players? Really?

 

C'mon... you were surfing the net for "baking a bassman" recipies? It's the only way I think you could have ended up in this forum' date=' and even then, that doesnt mean we were baking any bassmen... not even bass shaped cookies... :)

 

Of course I could be lying... and maybe we were actually baking jew bass players here... or black bass players... or yellow black players... and why not, south american bass players...

 

 

----- ----- ------ ----- -----

 

 

 

I don't even want to think what would had happened if I had made this one:

 

A jew, a bassplayer and a woman are thrown from a 30 story building...

Q: who crashes first?

A: who cares?

 

 

...wait... I just did... [img']http://forum.gibson.com/public/style_emoticons/default/eusa_whistle.gif[/img] (let them come...)

 

well... your avitar already says you're an a-hole... so i don't have to repeat ... wait... i just did.... but dumb and racist? nice combo (and i'm not talking about an ampeg combo). do i think they are baking bass players. of course not. like i said - this is a joke i know, it did not originate about bass players. it originated about jews.

 

but just to clarify and i'll leave this forum for you guys to have at it, i was searching for bass player jokes - being a bass player and gibson owner since about 1980. if this were the racist forum, i would have had no reason to say anything. but like i said, i was here for the jokes... so here's my contribution:

 

Q. If a drummer and a bassist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?

A. The cab driver.

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Thundergod

Thundergod

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Who says I'm racist boy? Now one can't make a joke that includes race things because that makes one a racist? and dumb also? This is too much... I'm going to jump off a bridge or something now...

 

Welcome to the forum by the way... you seem like a total waste of time, but hey, the forum is free...

 

About the bass-drummer joke... good one LMFAO actually... but... I have a question...

 

Should we asume they are white drumer and bassist? or are they any other flavor (jew? latino? mongol? indian?)? If they are white you are under risk of being considered racist because you only mentioned white people... (or maybe you have something about caucasoids and that's why you made that joke). If one of them (or both) is not white... then you are a racist because you are joking about them.

 

No doubt about the cab driver: he surely is from india.

 

That, is stupid isnt it? We are joking about BASSmen, it doesnt matter if they are black, green or yellow... really... what matters is that they are bass players.

 

That is the thing with anti-racism people... they will say one is racist either way.

 

I'm not a racist (not always at least :P ), mayb we started with the wrong foot here, I admit I jumped in to kick but and take names... but you gotta admit your comment could be easily interpreted as if you entered here with the intention of pissing us off.

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rocketman

rocketman

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Q - Why do bands have bass players?

 

A - To translate for the drummer.

 

OK, there is a funny story here. My brother played bass in our high school jazz ensemble. Our drummer couldn't read a note of music. But he only needed to hear the chart once and then he had every cut down perfectly. For the first time through my brother would read both the bass and drum music, helping our drummer out when he was about to have a solo or something. We had our instructor fooled for a good while. But one day my brother messed up badly. Our instructor asks our drummer "what the hell do you have on measure 25?" To which our drummer responds "um, two squiggly lines and another that looks like a T with a line going through it." Of course he had the wrong chart out and the chart that he did have out was upside down (what did it matter to him??). I almost fell out of my seat...

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myspace.com/jessenoah

myspace.com/jessenoah

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political correctness= bull $#it for people to complain about things

personally (having relatives who are black, who are jewish, who are disabled) im pretty sure that i have the right to see things as offensive as the next guy

 

 

BUT I DONT

you dont like something, grow up

 

nothing personal hgs, but i have no tolerance for people who complain about stuff that is easily overcome

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tominator

tominator

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I found some pretty good ones:

 

Q- What's the difference between a bass guitarist and God?

A- God doesn't think he's a bass guitarist.

 

Q- How do you get a bass player to stop playing?

A- Put a sheet of music in front of him.

 

Q- What do a vacuum cleaner and an bass guitar have in common?

A- Both suck when you plug them in.

 

Q What are the three most difficult years in a bass player's life?

A Second grade.

 

 

 

There was a poor ragged bass guitarist panhandling for spare change on a street corner. One day someone came by and threw a brass lamp into his guitar case.

 

Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared and offered the bass player three wishes. "I wish I was a better musician", said the bass man. Next thing he knew he was in a band that was cutting its first CD and had a loyal following.

 

He was pretty happy, but he wanted more. "I wish I was an even better musician", said the bassist. Before long he was playing on an extended world tour in front of tens of thousands of adoring fans. He was ecstatic, but he wanted even more.

 

"Genie", he said, "make me an even BETTER musician!" Poof! He found himself standing on his old street corner . . . playing guitar.

 

 

 

A couple, who's relationship was on the rocks, went to a marriage counselor who could not get them to discuss anything. The communication block was so heavy that nothing he suggested could make them open up and talk.

 

Finally after several sessions of non-communication, the counselor stands up, walks to the corner of the room and produces a bass guitar. He brings it to the couple, plugs it into a small practice amp and begins to play fervently. Gradually their barriers break down and they begin to discuss their problems and little things that always bothered them that they never felt encouraged to bring up before.

 

At the end of the session, they were smiling and laughing just like old times. They paid their bill and before leaving, the couple asked the counselor, "What did you do? How did that song help make everything work out?"

 

He answered simply, "Everybody talks during the bass solo."

 

 

And in the tradition of brutalizing the Bassist

 

Q What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?

A You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

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Homz

Homz

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Three musicians and a bass player walk into a bar.

 

Legal point so as not to offend anyone who might read the preceding joke.

*The bar was a milk bar which also offered soy milk (for the lactose intolerant)

*The three musicians were of the following ethnicity: 1)white, 2)black, 3)asian (do not presume the oder of the musicians is an indication of preference, it is not)

*The three musicians were of the following religions: 1)Jewish, 2)Christian, 3)Muslim (do not presume the oder of the musicans is an indication of preference, it is not)

*The ethnicity and religion of the bass player are as follows: Mixed white, black, and asian ; atheist

*There are no known safety hazards in the bar such as loose floor boards, rakes, or open oven doors

 

Note:The writer of this joke has made every attempt preserve a level respect for all humans, plant life, insects, and animals; excluding bass players, of coarse

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hgs

hgs

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ok ok... i'm usually not one to start flame wars, and yes, if i was motivated to do so, that's my issue. bad jokes in bad taste are still jokes. i get it. it's all about perspective.... you guys don't have mine, and i don't have yours. if i could start my post off differently, i probably would. =D> (that's playing just for me).

 

but back to bass jokes:

 

As a birthday gift, a father decided to get his son a bass guitar and some lessons. After the first lesson, the boy's father asked him how his lesson went. "It went great, Dad. I learned to play on the first 5 frets on the top string!" The father praised his son's efforts. The next week, his father asked about the second lesson. "It was cool, Dad. Today, I learned to play the first 5 frets on the second string!" His father once again applauded his son. The following week, his father again asked about the lesson. "I'm sorry Dad, I blew it off... I had a gig!"

 

greg

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Thundergod

Thundergod

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Posted
political correctness= bull $#it for people to complain about things

personally (having relatives who are black' date=' who are jewish, who are disabled) im pretty sure that i have the right to see things as offensive as the next guy

 

 

BUT I DONT[/quote']

 

 

 

+1

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zachd33

zachd33

Posted
Posted
Three musicians and a bass player walk into a bar.

 

Legal point so as not to offend anyone who might read the preceding joke.

*The bar was a milk bar which also offered soy milk (for the lactose intolerant)

*The three musicians were of the following ethnicity: 1)white' date=' 2)black, 3)asian (do not presume the oder of the musicians is an indication of preference, it is not)

*The three musicians were of the following religions: 1)Jewish, 2)Christian, 3)Muslim (do not presume the oder of the musicans is an indication of preference, it is not)

*The ethnicity and religion of the bass player are as follows: Mixed white, black, and asian ; atheist

*There are no known safety hazards in the bar such as loose floor boards, rakes, or open oven doors

 

Note:The writer of this joke has made every attempt preserve a level respect for all humans, plant life, insects, and animals; excluding bass players, of coarse [/quote']

 

I think you forgot latinos and american indians lol.

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Thundergod

Thundergod

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Hey yes... (thanks for bringing it forward zach!) I am from south A and though I wouldn't be considered as "latin", it pisses me off that you wouldn't mention us in that joke... do you have anything against latin people???

 

 

You know I'm kidding right... damn if everyone was like that the world would be a worst place (yeah even worst)... hopefuly we have the guys at the gibson forum!

 

Cheers mates!

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Homz

Homz

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*additions to the legal notes of previous nonoffensive joke: insert ethnicity of choice for any of the four people mentioned in joke. Also religious preferences can be altered (except Druids; I hate those basterds).

*If "people" is offensive you may substitute "animal, insect, or aliens (space type / not border crossing ones).

*The previous mention of aliens was not ment as an insult to either space type or illegal aliens.

 

*Special note: You may not substitute drummer for bass player as this would be a violation of the American's with Disabilities Act (section 42, subsection 13, paragraph 6) which clearly states "People who hit things with sticks and call it music are to be considered disabled".

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