Classic Insults…..lol

[onewilyfool]

I know there are some who consider themselves quite good at insulting others on this forum….lol……but nothing as clever as these guys!!!

 

When Insults Had Class  

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

 

 

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 

 

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 

 

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

 

 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

 

 

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

 

 

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

 

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

 

 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

 

 

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

 

 

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

 

 

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

 

 

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

 

 

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

 

 

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

 

 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

 

 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

 

 

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

 

 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

 

 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

 

 

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

 

 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

 

 

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[GuitarLight]

Great list! And let's not forget this old classic snide remark!

..."Fasten your seat belts, It's going to be a Bumpy Night!" ...Bette Davis ...All About Eve ...1950's era

[zombywoof]

You can run a whole page with just Churchill alone.

 

Some of my favorites:

 

"Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member" - Groucho Marx

 

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally." W.C. Fields.

 

I have heard your Disraeli quote also attributed to John Wilkes. John Montague to Wlikes, "Sir I don't know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox." To which Wilkes replied, "That would depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

[zombywoof]

Here is one I used in a program I put together last year on Moses Harman. Harman was a late 19th century "free thinker" who at one point was charged with over 400 counts of obscenity for refusing the edit or censor articles published in his newspaper and for speaking out against state and church sanctioned marriage and on topics such as birth control While in his late 70s, Harman was sentenced to one year at hard labor in Leavenworth. In explaining why he would not come to America, George Bernard Shaw wrote: "If the brigands can, without any remonstrance from public opinion seize a man of Mr. Harman's advanced age, and imprison him for a year under conditions which amount to an indirect attempt to kill him, simply because he agrees with the opinion...that 'marriage is the most licentious of human institutions,' what chance should I have of escaping."

[milod]

One of my favorites was the punch line of a long "shaggy dog" joke - but it works regardless. The purveyor of the joke was an Anglican bishop, by the way.

 

"Sir, I am forbidden from use of strong language, but I do hope that when you go home, your mother comes out from under the back porch and bites you."

 

m