Jump to content
Gibson Brands Forums

post your best jokes

Diego the guy

By Diego the guy
in The Gibson Lounge

Recommended Posts

crazyhair

crazyhair

Posted
Posted

A woman walks into the produce department of a grocery store and says to the produce manager, sir do you have any lettuce? He said no mam we are fresh out! A couple of minutes later the same woman walks up to the same produce manager and asks again sir do you have any lettuce. He looked at her and said no mam we are fresh out! A couple of minutes later the same woman asks the same produce manager sir do you have any lettuce? This time he says mam what do you get when you take the T out of tomato? She said omato! He said Good! Now what do you get when you take the B out of beet? She said eat! Good Good he replied! now he asked what do you get when you take the F. u. c k out of lettuce!!! She responded, there is no f. u. c. k. in lettuce!

 

He responded back, That's what I am trying to tell you lady!

 

There is no f. u. c. k. in lettuce!!

 

 

 

A man is driving down the road speeding about 85 mph when suddenly flashing lights appeared behind him so he floored the pedal and hits 90 mph but the red flashing lights stay right there. Soon he couldn't get the car to do any faster and gave up and pulled over. After they pulled over a cop walked up to his window and motioned the driver to roll his window down. The cop rubbed his face and said buddy its been a long day! I'll tell you what, if you can give me an excuse that I have never heard before I'm going to tear this ticket up and walk away! The driver looked at the cop and said, officer, two weeks ago a cop who looked exactly like you, left town and ran away with my wife!

 

And as God as my witness I thought you were the same cop trying to bring her back to me!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
jaxson50

jaxson50

Posted
Posted

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

 

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
jaxson50

jaxson50

Posted
Posted

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

 

The new wine will be marketed as

*

*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PINO MORE

Link to comment
Share on other sites
TommyK

TommyK

Posted
Posted

So, back in the day a newly wed man and wife had left the church and were heading back to their new home on the farmstead. As they were poor farmers, a 'honeymoon' to some far off place was not about to happen.

 

As the new husband drove the team of horses home, one of them stumbled. "That's one!" said the farmer to the horse. His new bride was puzzled by the remark. A ways down the road the same horse stumbled again, "That's TWO!" said the farmer. His new wife made no comment. A little farther down the road the horse stumbled a third time, "WOAH!" said the farmer to the team, stopping the buckboard. Where upon he alighted from his spring seat with rifle in hand, "THAT! was THREE!," he said, and shot the horse dead where he stood.

 

His wife was flabbergasted. "What in the world did you do that for? The horse only stumbled! Now we're going to have to get another horse to replace it. I cannot believe you did that!"

 

When she finished the husband looked at the ground and said, "Are you done?" "Yes, for now," said the wife. The husband then looked at his wife and said, "That's one."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
stevef

stevef

Posted
Posted

From a friend..

 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

 

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief.

 

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

 

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

 

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
TommyK

TommyK

Posted
Posted

True story:

 

My son was about 5 or 6. We shied away from euphemisms for body parts as they began asking questions. Having recently been to the doctor's office for a check up, he remembered the doctor rapping just below his knee to check my son's reflexes. A few days later we were in the Farm and Fleet, mostly hardware but also clothing and such. My son and I wandered down the hand tools aisle. He stopped at the little hammers as I continued down the aisle without him. I next heard him say, "hey Dad, my testicles work.". Not fully understanding what he said as he rapped his knee again, I said, "What?" A split second later I pieced together what he had said, just in time for him to shout from 50 feet away "I SAID!... MY TESTICLES WORK!" [cool]

 

"PATELLA! son, Patella!" [cool]

Link to comment
Share on other sites
TommyK

TommyK

Posted
Posted

A SEQUEL to the THree Strikes Farmer in my previous joke.

 

The newlyweds continue home in silence. When they get home, the husband helps his new wife from the buckboard. After he carries her over the threshold, he kisses her and welcomes her home and introduces her to her kitchen. He then procedes to explain how married life works.

 

My dear, when I come back to the house from working all day, I expect a hot meal, followed by a sweet desert. Then I will retire to my chair where I expect my un-read paper to be waiting and you to fetch my slippers to put on my tired feet. My pipe will be full next to where I sit. After I finish my paper you will draw me a warm bath so that I can relax. You can scrub my back. Then after I towel off do you know who will dress me, shave me and comb my hair?"

 

The wife replied, "Why yes I do, sweet heart, the mortician."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...