New Song "Cellophane Love" - Feedback Wanted

[MimingMinds]

Hey all,

 

I've written a new song recently, recorded and produced it in my dorm room, and all on my Gibson Hummingbird Pro! I'm asking for honest feedback on how I can improve whether it be song construction, lyrical twists, whatever you think I need to work on.

 

The song is called "Cellophane Love," and can be found here. The lyrics are there as well for viewing. If anyone cares for an explanation to the lyrics, I will gladly provide the few that I have. The overarching ideas come from reading Nietzsche, Heidegger, and Sartre this semester as well as Parmenides. All philosophy intertwined with my girlfriend and a rough experience we had.

 

Thanks in advance and, as always, I hope this warms ears and hearts - I also hope everyone finds themselves in good health around this gloomy time of year.

[BenG76]

Well I am no expert but I thought it was an excellent song. Thanks for sharing it.

[livemusic]

Well, it would take a long time for me to really critique this song, as it's a bit unusual for the type of songs I write and listen to. Just a couple of things.

 

First, your voice is very pleasing, although pitchy. Whatever you can do to improve pitch control would be a plus. I fight that, too. If you figure it out, let me know, haha.

 

Your guitar sound and playing is very good. The overall sound and production are very good.

 

Here is a for instance of how you can improve. I noticed (at least) two phrases that are awkward. Phrases are always best in the manner that people speak. These two do not make the mark:

 

she looks, up with sad eyes

it sets you up for the fall

 

I know the first one is right, I think the second is right, going off memory here. Anyway, people, when speaking, would not pause between "looks" and "up." I think you did the same thing for phrase 2.

 

Another thing we generally want to do is set apart the chorus or bridge from the verse. Make it different somehow. Phrasing, melody or production but preferably, phrasing AND melody, at least. Your song runs together just a bit.

 

As for who the heck do I think I am... well, a nobody, haha... but I have written over 300 songs, am getting ready to record my first studio record. And I have studied the craft of songwriting DAILY for ten years and have written professionally outside music for 25 years.

 

Good luck, read every book on songwriting you can, go to workshops, join songwriting groups, etc. You have a talent to nurture there.

[MimingMinds]

Thanks livemusic! that's some helpful advice and I will be sure, when writing future lyrics, to be more careful about the rhythm as well as the realism in singing vs speaking them. Much appreciated.

[retrorod]

Overall, better sound and quality than I could do....probably. But not not my 'cup of tea' lyrically....

[MimingMinds]

thanks for the compliments on sound. i recorded it on limited equipment in my college dorm room so if you listen hard enough, i'm sure you can hear some interesting stuff in the background.

[EuroAussie]

I enjoyed this song very much. You have a fine voice and i liked the groove and feel of the track.

Personally i also enjoyed how the verse and chorus merged, it gave it a nice, flowing qulity.

Although i agree with livemusic that it makes sense to break it up there or add some dynamics as near the end it was starting to sound a bit monotnous.

 

What did bother me was the sound of the guitar. Im not sure if its just the recording or mike placement but that Gibby sounded very muffled and unclear. Is that how the HB Pro normally sounds ?

 

I would rerecord and try to add some sparkle in there, just a tad, maybe try some brighter strings ?

 

Other than that i thought you did a great job, keep it up !

 

cheers.