Backpain and lyrics

[Lars68]

I'm laid up in bed due to backpain. So thought I should use the time to write some new song lyrics. I came up with the lyrics below. I have no melody, chords or guitar parts yet. I need to get well enough to sit up again before I can use a guitar.

 

The lyrics are intentionally Springsteenesque in his narative style, and inspired by, not one particular song of his, but from listening to his music for thirty plus years and watching what is going on in the world around me. I'd like to point out that I have not placed the lyrics geographically. Since, English is my second language, I would feel fake doing so. I want to keep it in general terms. In the songs I do in Swedish, it is more natural using names and places around me. So, please don't misinterpret the song as being from an American point of view. I just use English to be understood

 

Please tell me if you think bits are over the top, pretentious, silly, and give suggestions for improvements, or whatever.

I know very little about rhyme or meter, but hope I can make it work with a melody...

 

Lars

 

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The Invisible Hand:

 

I'm driving home from work late, on a Friday night

putting miles between me

and the city light

 

I'm so tired and weary, but soon to be free

for my loved ones a'waiting

off exit forty-three

 

There's roadwork ahead, warns a flashing sign

The detour's through another town

ways away from mine

 

I'm stopping downtown by a light, turning to red

Here is a wasteland

All broken and dead

 

Houses sit deserted by a winding, railroad track

Folks here packed up and left

never to come back

 

'Caus their factory's shut down, shutdown n' black

Leaving town I read "Drive Safely

and Welcome Back"

 

Was it the wrath of some god, or an invisible hand

tearing a town down to nothing

but dust and sand

 

When I'm back home on my street, in my drive-way

I kiss my wife n' my sweet boy

after a long day

 

No one looks beyond the fence, in my neighborhood

We're washing cars on Sundays

denying what's afoot

[MissouriPicker]

Lars, I admire your continuous and dedicated writing. I sincerely do. I haven't written that much in the last two months. I'll try to get back later with you with detailed comments, but like you, I'm feeling like I'm at the bottom-of-the-barrel today. Think I've got a touch of the flu...............Anyway, briefly-----too many unnecessary words. For example, you don't need "big city lights." "City lights" will do. Don't need "right up by exit forty-three. "Near exit forty-three" tells us all we need to know. I understand the need to show the details, but you need to let the reader/listener fill in the blank spots. We're writing songs, not short stories. Also, just what is The Invisible Hand? Is it the blight of an old neighborhood, the passing of time? Also, I think you're giving us too much detail in regards to the old neighborhood you're driving through. Look at everything you've written on this and question how much of it you actually need to convey your message.

 

"A deserted factory's in the distance, with its giant smokestack, all covered in black

Then a crooked sign reads, "Drive Safely, and Welcome Back"-----------------We don't need to know that it's a giant smokestack. Once we know the factory is deserted we can figure out that it's a dirty place.

 

"Faded houses pass me by, chiping paint, weeds and mortar cracks"----Sounds like the houses are moving and passing you. Also, if he houses are faded, we kind of get the idea they are older, maybe in disrepair, vacant, etc......so, chipping paint, weeks, and mortar cracks are part of old, vacant houses.....Just trying to point-out all the words I see as unnecessary.

 

Also, lots of convenient rhymes that don't really add anything to the song. Sign and line. Red and dead. I get the idea the words are used because they are convenient rhymes. I'll try to add a few more ideas a bit later in day. Keep writing. You have a dedication and passion for it that I've kind of lost over the years. You are a good inspiration. And PLEASE, do not take any of what I said personal....lol....just giving my view from the perspective of what I've tried to learn over the years. All of these comments are simply my opinion. It doesn't automatically make me right and someone else wrong. Write a song with a brush and paint a picture with words.

 

BTW----you may already have this link, but if not it can be very helpful. If give you words that kind of rhyme and sound good together. It's easy to use.

http://www.b-rhymes.com/

[Lars68]

Thanks so much, MP. Very helpful! I did some rough editing above, partially as you suggested, this time with a specific rythm in mind. I also broke the lines into more rows and added commas to indicate how I hear the rythm.

 

The invisible hand is a term (by 18th century economist Adam Smith) often used when describing how a market economy works. I used it here to show that there are always two sides to the same coin (by the way, I'm not trying to be political here, just saying... )

See here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invisible_hand

 

I see what you are mean about too many words. I'll see if I can clean it up even more when trying to put it to a melody. Some lines need to be shorter, and some perhaps longer to get the rythm of the words right eventually. I like it when the melody reveals itself from the sound and rythm of the words.

 

Thanks also for the link. Very useful.

 

Lars

['Scales]

Hiya Lars. Sorry about the back – I know the way that can be. Some nice ideas there. I realise you are writing a narrative song, but would agree that brevity/poetry has a lot of power in song if you can manage it. There are ways to break up long lines though - again by way of example, here is a song I wrote sometime back (on and for acoustic, but recorded here live at a gig in band arrangement). There are only 2 lines per verse over 5 simple chords, but each line broken into a pattern of A-B-C-D-E where A, B and E rhyme but C and D follow same beat and end in a specifically non-rhyming word of the same structure (alliteration?) such as longer/linger…shore/share…etc. The idea being to break up a long line whilst giving a recurring ‘vibe’.

 

Again – this one was thematic (passing of time/growing older) rather than narrative/story as you are attempting, but I’m sharing more for the idea of dealing with long trains of thought and prose. Performance certainly not great, but hope it gives you some food for thought. Keep at it mate!

 

https://soundcloud.com/itiswhatitis-5/third-song

[Lars68]

Hiya Lars. Sorry about the back – I know the way that can be. Some nice ideas there. I realise you are writing a narrative song, but would agree that brevity/poetry has a lot of power in song if you can manage it. There are ways to break up long lines though - again by way of example, here is a song I wrote sometime back (on and for acoustic, but recorded here live at a gig in band arrangement). There are only 2 lines per verse over 5 simple chords, but each line broken into a pattern of A-B-C-D-E where A, B and E rhyme but C and D follow same beat and end in a specifically non-rhyming word of the same structure (alliteration?) such as longer/linger…shore/share…etc. The idea being to break up a long line whilst giving a recurring ‘vibe’.

 

Again – this one was thematic (passing of time/growing older) rather than narrative/story as you are attempting, but I’m sharing more for the idea of dealing with long trains of thought and prose. Performance certainly not great, but hope it gives you some food for thought. Keep at it mate!

 

https://soundcloud.com/itiswhatitis-5/third-song

 

My back is even worse today. I've been lying in bed now for three and a half days. I can hardly move. Oh well, gives me time to read the forum and work on my lyrics. I got out the knife and cut the original lyrics down quite a bit and rewrote A LOT, as you can se in my original post above. I have also been breaking the lines up according to where I want a pause.

 

I like your song very much, and see your point about how to break up longer lines. I'll see if I can figure out how to incorporate it to my lyrics.

I always write lyrics before putting them to music. How do you do it?

 

Thanks,

Lars