Buc McMaster Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Paul Simon once said, paraphrasing, that good songs are not written, they are rewritten. Some of you have viewed my home video of Stones of Circumstance, and while I liked the lyric myself, the last two lines seemed weak to me. Not convincing enough, not in keeping with the rest of the song. The last verse, as originally written: When I was young I did not heed the lessons Along the road 'twixt the darkness and the light The world is cruel and does not play at favorites I carry on the best I can to see the right Weak, me thinks. Dark, but not dark enough. So as the Sunday studio session approaches, I have been scratching my head and pushing the pencil in an effort to improve things. This morning, as I sipped coffee here at the office, the fog lifted and a more conclusive, wrap-it-up kind of ending shot through my head like a rocket......... When I was young I did not heed the lessons Along the road 'twixt the darkness and the light Can it be that I've squandered my redemption A trail of tears marks the path of a wasted life Much darker and much more descriptive of a hopeless state of mind, which is what I wanted to convey in the first place. I guess my point is that nothing is done until it's done, particularly when it comes to songwriting. What say yes? An improvement? Too depressing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scratch47 Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Paul Simon once said, paraphrasing, that good songs are not written, they are rewritten. Some of you have viewed my home video of Stones of Circumstance, and while I liked the lyric myself, the last two lines seemed weak to me. Not convincing enough, not in keeping with the rest of the song. The last verse, as originally written: When I was young I did not heed the lessons Along the road 'twixt the darkness and the light The world is cruel and does not play at favorites I carry on the best I can to see the right Weak, me thinks. Dark, but not dark enough. So as the Sunday studio session approaches, I have been scratching my head and pushing the pencil in an effort to improve things. This morning, as I sipped coffee here at the office, the fog lifted and a more conclusive, wrap-it-up kind of ending shot through my head like a rocket......... When I was young I did not heed the lessons Along the road 'twixt the darkness and the light Can it be that I've squandered my redemption A trail of tears marks the path of a wasted life Much darker and much more descriptive of a hopeless state of mind, which is what I wanted to convey in the first place. I guess my point is that nothing is done until it's done, particularly when it comes to songwriting. What say yes? An improvement? Too depressing? I like the rewrite, Buc. But then, I write a lot of somber stuff. Good transition from youth to maturity and the expected reflection of "Did I take the right path, and was it too late to matter?" Leaves the listener to decide... Nice... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I like the rewrite better. I think it says more. Instead of putting part of the blame on the world, you put it on yourself. You set a dark atmosphere to the song. I usually write from the same place. The somber and dark make it real, because even the happy times in life are tied to the sad...........Rewrites are done all the time. By world-famous songwriters and songwriters like us. Quite often, after we've been performing a song for maybe a few months, or a year or so, we come-up with a better way to say what we're trying to express...........Anyway, I like your lyrics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livemusic Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Hello Buc, I think it's very good but I definitely would not use the word "twixt." Nobody says that anymore. And I am unaware of your melody, but it appears to me that it could be tightened more. Such as this if meter is acceptable... When I was young I did not heed the didn't heed lessons Along the road 'twixt the darkness and the between darkness and light Can it be that I've squandered my redemption A trail of tears marks the path of a wasted life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buc McMaster Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I think it's very good but I definitely would not use the word "twixt." Nobody says that anymore. And I am unaware of your melody..... Your are correct, nobody says that anymore, which is why it's perfect for this use. A song need not be conversational in nature and it's little things like using the word 'twixt that can make a lyric unique. In addition, the word works with the old bluegrass feel of the song. The edit of the rest, as you presented it, strips the lyric of all of it's character and destroys the meter. The same applies: a lyric does not have to roll like a conversation on the street might, and edited this way it becomes a conversation. While a speech should be cleaned of all "extra" words for clarity, a lyric is a different animal that must fit a ryhme as well as a meter. Thanks for taking a look and I do appreciate the discussion! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stein Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I guess I am against the grain here. I very much prefer the first version. Although I appreciate the artistic qualities of the second version. The reason why is that I felt the song had a message, a point to it. What I heard when I heard it was a song of hope, a song of teaching, and presented in a way it could almost be an anthem similar to gospel. I don't think all songs need to have a message or a point, and that isn't what makes a song a good one or a bad one. But this song I thought was genius the first time the way you were able to present it. I has the hook, the rhythm and melody (which makes it something to want to JAM to) the STYLE, and the feeling. It was the last line that took all that and made it sink in and leave me with something. All that together is what made me want to play it over and over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guth Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I would encourage you to go with your gut — not just with how the words strike you on paper, but how they move you when you're actually singing them. There is no denying the importance of the words chosen, but how convincingly they're delivered also comes into play here. I look forward to hearing the end result, whichever direction the song takes you in the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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