Murph Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Everybody's getting ready for winter and it's slowing down in here. Time to cheer it up ! I'll kick it off...... Spellcheck is my worst enema. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 Ole was in a job interview: Interviewer, "what about this 7 year gap in your employment history on your resume?" Ole," I was at Yale." Interviewer," Great, you're hired! Start Monday at 8:00 AM." Ole," Thanks! Thanks for giving me a yob!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the **** is that on the balcony with Dave?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EuroAussie Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 We had here a superb summer, september was just brilliant with almost sunshine the whole month and temperatures in the 20's. Im for one actually looking forward to Autumn (or fall a you boys say) and the punters getting back into pubs so at least i have somebody in the audience to play to .... ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman pull up stools at the pub and order beers. Simultaneously, flys fly into each beer. The Engishman pushes his beer away and orders another. The American plucks the fly out and continues to drink his beer. The Irishman grabs the fly and yells, "Spit it out, spit it out!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience. When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight " Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 The Coach - At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the little boy. " Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, Curse, attack the umpire, or call him an arshole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative. The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb arse decision or that the coach is a sh**head is it?" "No, coach." "Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kidblast Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 great jokes as usual Murph,, the pope joke killed it!! that was great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorrisrownSal Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again." If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress? - A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbiii Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I once entered a pun contest. I wrote ten really great puns, hoping one would win. But no pun in ten did. Just sayin'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbiii Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 A short poem from my sister. It is called Sometime I Miss Him. Yesterday I ran into my Ex. Then I backed up and ran into him again. Sometime I miss him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scriv58 Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 if you've ever been to an asian restaurant, you know that the menu items have numbers to avoid awkward pronunciation efforts- so... thw asian restaurant owner awakens his wife at 2 a.m. and says "wake up i want 69!" to which she replies "you want beef and broccoli NOW?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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