Notes_Norton Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Musician's Dictionary: AGENT: a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary. ARRANGER: a guy who writes to support a drinking habit. BALLET: an art form for people with eating disorders BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet BIG BAND: nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians. BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig. CABARET: a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town. CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: god's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.... CATERER: a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled. CHANTEUSE: a singer with an accent and no time. CLASSICAL COMPOSER: a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent. CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough. CLUB DATE LEADER: someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye. CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: a guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest . CONTRACTOR: a man whose funeral nobody goes to. CRUISE SHIP WORK: a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up. DJ: the guy your son would rather have play his Bar Mitzvah D-MINOR: a rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer. DOUBLEBASS: the instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary. DOWNBEAT: the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working. ELECTRIC PIANO: the instrument that enables it's player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it. HOTEL PIANIST: a guy who looks good in a tux. JAZZ: the only true American art form beloved by Europeans. JAZZ FESTIVAL: an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad. LYRIC: that part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals. MELLOPHONE: an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp. METRONOME: the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors. MOVIE COMPOSER: someone who can write like anyone except himself. NEW AGE : a musical substitute for Valium. NEW YEARS EVE: the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise. ORCHESTRATOR: the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it . PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing. PERFECT PITCH: the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune. PIANIST: an archaic term for a keyboard player. PRODIGY: a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series. RAGA: the official music of New York 's Taxi and Limousine Commission. RARE VIOLIN: a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven. SIDEMAN: the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich. STAFF MUSICIAN: harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family. STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.'' 247: the time signature of the national anthem of India . UNION REP: a guy who thinks big bands are coming back. VERSE: the part of a tune that's disposable, except to it's composer. VIOLA D'AMORE: a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to. WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos. YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Notes_Norton Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 A friend and fellow sax player e-mailed it to me. ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeoConMan Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Yeah! Good stuff! Of course, most of it is from a world I've only glimpsed. The cruise ship thing is certainly an odd industry, I've spoken with a few of those guys. PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milod Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Yupper... good stuff... m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChanMan Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Thanks for sharing!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witmer Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet This made me laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimmiJAMM Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 NEW WAVE: grew up in the eighties and still there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milod Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 highwaynine That's why I've got a looooong extension cord in my "carry out" amp. <grin> m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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