NEW ORIGINAL song

[livemusic]

Deleted until rewritten.

[duluthdan]

Honest opinion? In my head the lyric line doesn't fit the contemplative sound in the guitar. Perhaps a bit more tempo, a bit of a higher key? I kept anticipating a major chord resolution. I'm not sure., this is tough. I hate trying to modify the music, I've always found it a bit easier to modify the lyric? The message is good, but I hear this with a bouncier delivery. Where's the "hook", or better stated, what did you intend the "hook" to be? I've gotta listen to this again.

[duluthdan]

Ok, on second listen here is what I might suggest - modify the perspective of the lyric from the first person "I" to the third person "they". Not "I saw my life..." But "Why do people see life..." etc. Hope this makes sense - I like the song from that delivery perspective. Makes it more of an observation, than a confession.

[Dave F]

first of all it's great to write a song and put it out there like that. I've never had the nerve to do that plus you're asking for opinions.

I agree with duluthdan. The entire song seemed monotone, the music, verses and singing and needs something else or a hook like Dan mentioned.

It definitely needs to be higher and a tad quicker. I have a dear friend who writes a lot of songs and gets me to work on them with him.

I think it would help to get someone else to either play along, or sing along to see if it livens it up.

[flatbaroque]

As you said..a working tape...but I kinda liked it...especially the guitar...I also enjoyed the deep vocals...probably only needs a but more of a change between verse and chorus...otherwise something good there. I like Dan's idea of making it more of an observation than a confession lyrically.

[JohnnyReb]

I think the lyrics are great. I could slow that down and make a fine country song out of it

 

I'm not a fan of fingerpicking much. To me some good solid strumming with full chords would do it some justice. Faster speed.....or slow it down and add some space between the words. I think either way would be interesting. Honestly I felt like you were rushing through it. I would try slowing down and stretching it out some.

[ol fred]

EDIT: PLEASE DISREGARD THIS POST. I STEPPED AWAY FROM IT FOR AWHILE AND, UPON RETURN, I SEE SOMETHING THAT WILL TAKE AWHILE TO REWRITE.

 

I hope some will do me a favor and check this out and give me feedback. I have no idea if it has merit. I may speed it up, sing it in higher key, change the chorus melody, change the lyric, who knows. First time, I did it too fast; I am thinking this is a tad slower than should be. And I'll sing it smoother as I learn my own song!

 

This is Goodall baritone tuned C to C, heavy strings on.

 

https://soundcloud.c...ure-is-real-v-2

 

It's just a work tape.

 

I'll just sit right here and wait for the edit.

[blindboygrunt]

lambchop !!

[retrorod]

I guess he was driven back into his shell????

[Dave F]

first of all it's great to write a song and put it out there like that. I've never had the nerve to do that plus you're asking for opinions.

I agree with duluthdan. The entire song seemed monotone, the music, verses and singing and needs something else or a hook like Dan mentioned.

It definitely needs to be higher and a tad quicker. I have a dear friend who writes a lot of songs and gets me to work on them with him.

I think it would help to get someone else to either play along, or sing along to see if it livens it up.

 

I'll retract my opinions until the edited version is available.