jameswithesg Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 why do christians wear crosses around there neck? do you think when jesus comes back he ever wants to see a cross again? thats kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little rifle pendant.... "just thinkin of john jackie" - mr bill hicks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChanMan Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 What did the little fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilliangirl Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Two cannibals sitting around, eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" What's white and runs up your leg? Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. How do you get a duck to sing the blues? Put it in the oven until its bill withers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cruznolfart Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few hits. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got so stoned he fell into the riverwhile taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing the joint. He looks up and says, "hey!" The Monkey looks down and says, "man, just how damn much water did you drink?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockin365 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? 'The wife replied, 'The ****in' funeral director would be my first guess.'.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichCI Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's ****. (Please don't hurt me, ladies!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilliangirl Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's ****. (Please don't hurt me' date=' ladies!) [/quote'] Boo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichCI Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Boo I keed! I keed! (Again - please don't hurt me!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockin365 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 The Dark fire will be shipping again soon... Bwahahahahaha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flight959 Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 The Dark fire will be shipping again soon...:- Bwahahahahaha. LMFAO!!!! Flight959 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tuckomf Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 A Polish Coyote was walking around and suddenly felt a trap snap shut around his foot. He knew that his only option for escape was to chew his foot off. Hours later, he had chewed three of his feet off, and was still caught in the trap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tuckomf Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 A fella decides to do something to let his wife know that she's the only one for him, so he decides to get her name tattooed on his member. One day he's in a public bathroom, when a large dreadlocked man steps up to the urinal next to him. The guy glances down and sees a tattoo on the dreadlocked man's unit. He says "So, your lady's name is 'Wanda', huh?" The dreadlocked man looks at him, puzzled, so the guy shows him his tattoo "See? My wife's name is betty, I see that yours must be Wanda." The dreadlocked fella laughs and says "I can't get it up right now, mon, but when I do it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, Have a Nice Day!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockin365 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Winnie the pooh and piglet wandered through the snow on their way home, Piglet grinned to himself thinking how lucky he was to have a best friend like pooh. Pooh thought to himself 'if the pig sneezes he's ******* dead'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cruznolfart Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 A Polish Coyote was walking around and suddenly felt a trap snap shut around his foot. He knew that his only option for escape was to chew his foot off. Hours later' date=' he had chewed three of his feet off, and was still caught in the trap.[/quote'] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Hand Grenade Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 why do christians wear crosses around there neck? do you think when jesus comes back he ever wants to see a cross again? thats kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little rifle pendant.... "just thinkin of john jackie" - mr bill hicks Christians that kill? We are about all out of ideas in this planet now aren't we? Because i am pretty sure when Jesus comes back he will have a ****ing uzi on him. - Bill Hicks Christians with guns? What a great deal of faith - Bill Hicks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamienAzrael Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Hmmm....I don't know any "clean" jokes....Eh...oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockin365 Posted May 3, 2009 Author Share Posted May 3, 2009 Why Underwear is Important Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flight959 Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 Why Underwear is Important Always wear clean underwear in public' date=' especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. [/quote'] Ha ha ha ha ha! Flight959 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TommyK Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 A couple years ago, I'm at my brother's house. The whole extended family was there. I ascended to the upstairs to use the bathroom. Having finished my 'business', I hollered down the stairs, "Hey [ brother's name]!" Brother, "WHat?" I, "Where do you keep the plunger?" He comes bounding up the stairs 3 at a time, eyes all bugged out. He looks in said bathroom, and nothing is amiss. He gives me that, "What the?" look. I said, "Oh there's nothing wrong, I just wanted to know where you kept your plunger." [-(/ My brother had a better one. When his brother-in-law got married, the photographer who photographed the ceremonies was different than the one who took pictures at the reception. The reception's photographer, comes up to the groom's best man and asks, "Which one is the groom?" The Best man, let's call him Clovis, said, "That would be me." . . . . . Mother of the bride, a week later, gets the proofs. Says, the mother to her newly wed daughter, "Why are there all these photos of Clovis and you? .... and all the Aunts and Uncles.?" . . . . . I think Clovis is persona-non-grata at his best friend's home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corrosion of conformity Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 3 men walk into a bar, the 4th one ducks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thundergod Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 I don't have a "best" but if I did, it would be a Kurt Cobain joke... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tuckomf Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 How can you tell if a house was built by lesbians? There aren't any studs anywhere, and everything is tongue-in-groove. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockin365 Posted May 6, 2009 Author Share Posted May 6, 2009 The Night Of April the 1st Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ninety1vee Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's ****. :o ROFLMFAO! =D> how do you know when it's gonna be a good day at work? when your boss is on the side of the milk carton (clean jokes aren't my expertise...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TommyK Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Judge: "Good morning ma'am, state your name and age for the court record." Prospective Juror: States her name and indicate she is 86 years old. Judge: "Thank you. Do you have children?" Juror: "Why yes. I've had 6." Judge: "That's wonderful. This case is about one person saying one thing and another who says something else happened. I suppose while you were raising your children, you undoubtedly had one of your children accuse another of something and the other denied it, didn't you? Juror: "Thinks a bit. "Well, your honor, I rightly don't remember." Not a joke I heard it in court. But funny none-the-less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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